Is this what being married is?
HAYEE - Jan 2 2016 at 21:36
I don't know if I had unrealistic expectations or I'm being naive. Been married for 7 months, and my husband has turned into an inconsiderate, selfish, child. He works very long hours and has been very stressed on a new project for the last 4 months. I try to be understanding, and patient. I've been doing everything on my own, both because of his lack of time, as well as lack of energy..it all blew up tonight. I've been sick for 3 days but I still made an effort to make dinner. I got him his favourite chocolate, prepared a hot back for his neck, all with loving notes. He came home, looked at everything and said 'nah, I don't feel like it'..I blew up, threw away everything in the trash and screamed how inconsiderate he is amongst other things. Now he's in the living room watching TV, with no sign of coming to apologise...and if its anything like usual, he will say that I'm not a good partner for getting angry at him! is this what being a wife is?! Trying to make your spouse happy all the time? Not even getting a thank you for being indipendent and not nagging him? I feel so taken for granted I just want to pack and leave.
How long were you together before you married? Did you live together?
The first year of marriage (for me) was one of the worst. It was an adjustment period where we were learning about each other still. We hadn't been together long before we married so if this is the case for you aswell, know that I it does get better.
If you have been together for a few years already, the change in your partner's behaviour is likely to be circumstantial. Something's going on at work and he's taking it out on you. When men get depressed, they get irritable and aggressive. He sounds pretty miserable. You sound supportive enough but he might need more help. Will he see a doctor?
I'm sure he's just stressed out and feeling down about it. He's being horrible to you, yes. Make sure he knows you won't take his abuse but continue to support him. When the project is over, things should get better. If not, book him a doctors appointment.
Firstly, it's not so much of having to make your spouse happy all the the time, it's about sharing the load together. You don't have to do what you do to welcome him home and make him feel comfortable, but it should be a given that you do these things without overdoing it. That's what marriage is all about, you both do things for each other and you both appreciate each others input. However, if your husband just takes these things for granted and doesn't return the effort in his way, then after 7 months, your marriage is becoming a one way street instead of flowing both ways. It would take very little effort for your husband to bring you a small treat home to show his consideration and, regardless of working long hours, plenty of husbands come home and just cook for their spouse whether she's been sick or not. That's a true marriage/relationship...sharing everything and looking out for one another..and it's done without thinking about it.
Secondly,after 7 months, you're still a bride and really need to step back and have a look at your husband because if he is/was a sharing, caring man who put you on a pedestal, then the chances are, you wouldn't be here. You need to sit him down and discuss this issue with him. Speak you mind, after all, you are his wife and he is your husband. If he's overdoing it at work, and it's changing his behavior, then tell him in plain English how you feel about it. It's not so much about having unrealistic expectations, it's about having respect and appreciation for one another and both working together to keep it together..and communication is one thing that allows this to happen.
Thirdly, regardless of the vows, your marriage should be a NEED, not a want.
Thanks to both for your replies, and both of you make sense. This new job/project started right after we got married, and we lived together for 3 years before that, so I really saw a difference. It used to be balanced and equal, now it is turning to be one sided. Thing is whenever I tried to approach the subject, however calmly, he gets upset at me for asking things of him, how he feels I am never happy, how he cannot take my pressure on top of what he has at work, and how he should not have to come home to 'this'..just yesterday he said that he would rather me not do anything for him, then have me waiting to get a thank you. And that hurt a lot..I am finding it really difficult to balance between sticking it out and being there for him, and not being a push over. I don't think that it's a lot to ask to feel appreciated, and I know if I took his approach to the relationship we wouldn't have a future together. It would last until we both find other people who appreciate us. But he can't see that right now cause his work has taken over everything. He is miserable at work and under a lot of pressure, and job prospects are very low in his field of work right now. But a thankyou every once in a while does not cost anything.
Btw, our sex life has gone from bad to worse.. I always had a higher libido and physical intimacy is one of the top must haves for me, though not for him. Although frequency has declined over the years, now its down to once a week if I'm lucky, and once every 2 weeks is normal for him (I'm 32, he's 30). When I approached the subject he said the usual..he cannot have me ask for sex as well and put more pressure on him on top of everything else.
I take care of myself, of him, of the house as best as I can, with a full time job as well. I deserve more than this!
Maybe you need to take some time away from him. Maybe go to a friends house and stay for a while? Or take time off work and visit your family? Maybe he just needs to be alone to figure out what he wants out of the marriage. And maybe you should really contemplate the issues -- figure out why you love him. And if you come back and you talk to him again about the issues and there is no understanding ---- you both got to figure out if you want to be real effort into the marriage or just divorce.