This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance. This is a letter to my ex-best friend. I'd appreciate feedback on how I can move on and whether or not I should send this. This is really personal, so please don't be too harsh.
Hi XXX. This is XXX. I don’t know if you ever think of me, but I still think of you. I’m not totally sure why I’m writing this, but I guess its just because I never had any closure over our friendship ending. I guess I was hard to be around during senior year. I might have been mean or rude. I guess I kinda stopped being friends with YYY before our friendship ended. I think that’s what caused it. I know you don’t care, and I still don’t know why I’m writing all this, but senior year was the worst time of my life. I was really depressed and nothing ever really helped. I stopped going to school because I was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts abut it. I finished the year at home and now I’m in college. I guess you and YYY formed your own opinions about what was happening. You knew I was planning on ending my friendship with YYY because we had talked about it. But I meant for it to end slowly, gently. It ended the way it did because her mom called me and left a voicemail. She was screaming, saying that I dropped out of school and that I’d never amount to anything. She said she never wanted me to see or hangout with YYY again and that she definitely wouldn’t let YYY go on a Beach Week trip with me. It honestly hurt so much. I don’t know why but I guess it’s because I knew everything was over. I don’t know if you knew about this call. I don’t even know if YYY knew. I heard her mom passed away a couple months ago, so I knew I could never even ask YYY about this or even try to say sorry. I shouldn’t have ended things the way I did, but how was I supposed to act after an attack like that?
And then you stopped talking to me. I guess it’s because you chose YYY over me. And I guess I understand why. You guys had been friends practically since birth. And you only knew me for a few years. It was probably also because I seemed mean or like I didn’t care. I’m sorry if I hurt you through my actions or behavior. You were the last person I ever meant to hurt. When I realized you had chosen YYY over me, I was so upset. I was angry, confused, and hurt. Angry because I couldn’t understand why you liked her so much more than me. Confused because it didn’t make any sense why we couldn’t stay friends even if YYY and I weren’t . And hurt because I had never had a friend like you. I considered you my best friend. And I thought you felt the same. I couldn’t help but think back to all the times we sat in Barnes and Noble, talking about how we felt we could talk about anything. But I guess that wasn’t true because I never talked to you about how I was feeling or about what happened. And you never talked to me about why you didn’t want to be friends anymore.
I don’t know why I still think about this. Honestly, it’s probably because I’ve never felt so hurt and so sad in my life. I still feel that way when I think back to what happened. I still don’t totally understand everything that happened and I still cry about it sometimes. Hopefully writing this helps me with closure. I honestly don’t know how it will make you feel. Part of me hopes you’re still sad about the way things ended. Another part of me hopes you never even cared. I think I cared too much. And that’s why it hurt so much. I truly hope your life is going well. I hope you’re enjoying school. And I hope YYY is okay (but I hope you don’t share any of this with her). Please don’t feel obligated to reply to this. I know this was really, really long but I guess I had a lot to say. If you read all this, thanks.