My dad is dying and I am falling apart
Ok so my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness the weekend before thanksgiving, they said he had at most provably 8 months back then. However, before this diagnosis he was diagnosed with an illness similar to alzhiemers.
The purpose of this post is to be able to explain in depth my situation and possibly find some answers on how to cope with what is going on. I appreciate your time and attention.
I will start off with saying that I am only 16, and since my dad has had his mental illness since about 2000, I haven't known him very well, or, at least not sure what about him was illness or the real him, something I struggled with given the absense of a true father.
I always hoped things could change, now I've come to the realization that it won't, I, a normally very good student, can barely focus on school, I regress to video games or sometimes watch netflix to hide from the terrible emotions I'm feeling, because I know that I don't have the strength to do this anymore.
I'm going to get into more detail here, I don't want to be blunt with this but if you have a weak stomach you should maybe stop reading.
So my dad's neurological control of muscles (bowel movements, standing, using the bathroom) can be inconsitant(meaning he needs diapers for this at times) he can create, well, a huge mess, and guess who gets to clean it up? Me and my mom. Its horrible. Its so hard to see my dad degraded like that. Unthinkable just 3 years ago. I have to help him walk, sometimes he needs a wheelchair, and thats when I have to go through that thing where someone I haven't told about my dad sees whats going on, and I'm not sure to feel embarrased or self pity, and they usually don't ever ask about it.
Anyway with all of this the man I barely knew who I see everyday, who my mom loves, who I've helped for so long is dying of a terrible cancer. My question is this, HOW DOES ANYONE PYCHOLOGICALLY COPE WITH A SITUATION THIS BAD? Am I just supposed to accept it? With everyone else comparatively living easy lives, as this isn't my only life problem, I can't see why God sees fit to throw all of this at me at this point in my life. It doesn't make sense.
I don't have much emotional support, my siblings, although they try, live far away as they are older and have since moved out. My mom only talks to me rarely, she is very private even to me about all this. I have a few close friends, which I have told, but fortunately for them they can't relate to something like this. And I've never had a girlfriend at all (probably because I'm too distracted by everything else going on to ever be noticed/I'm unattractive?) so I can't find much of anything to counter all of the bad stuff.
I know I probably seem like a person with low self esteem with identity and confidence issues to be posting like this here, but when you go through hell like I am, you become broken, thats what I am, broken.
This is just a (probably) vain attempt to help find a solution to an unfixable problem.
Please any advice?
I have been working in houses for elderly, handicapped and Alzheimer people and yes - sometimes the situations you find yourself in can be quite "messy" - but that's where any "spiritual mindset" comes in handy : when you can see through the sick and broken bodies and see the soul - because the "person" is always there - somehow somewhere - even when they can not speak anymore or make themselves understood - someone is there inside those bodies
what counts when all else falls away is feelings and emotion - respect and dignity : when the physical situation is bad - a person is all the more sensitive to how he's is treated and kindness in presence and gestures is key - as well as patience
as for the "mess" the body makes - well - that's the body - not the person : one needs to be able in those situations to separate these factors and deal with the body on one hand and the person on the other : the person is not sick - his body is
and when articulating oneself becomes no longer possible - what's left is sharing moments of loving emotions and good feelings : what counts is to feel ok - even if it's all a mess - when one can manage to reach this state in perspective - one can even laugh with the sick or dying person about it all
spirituality is the knowing we are not "that" - we are not a body who will inevitably at one point one way or another age and die : we are souls coming from spirit and our beings are eternal - time and space are but relative factors
it's too bad you and your mother don't talk - that she doesn't share with you and leaves you to deal with the psychological and emotional situation as you can : she should make an effort to reach out and talk to you - we all need to "get things out of our system" one way or another : you can always come to this forum and write about it if it makes you feel good
as for the others - the people around you - they usually feel embarrassed when looking at the situation because they are not concerned (then they will of course be happy to not ask any questions) - then embarrassment turns to pity which can be a way to hide the fact that they are maybe appalled and basically afraid of sickness and death - and secretly happy to not be concerned - which enforces feelings of pity (which are basically there for self-justification because they should feel concerned but do not wish to) which cause YOU to feel embarrassed : you have NO reason to feel embarrassed for them feeling embarrassed - that's there problem - not yours - your job is to stay in dignity with yourself and for yourself - with your father and for your father and how the situation is
you are not unattractive because you happen to be in a situation that might seem or is unattractive : you are not the situation - separate and compartmentalize the facts : that will help you to not be what you are not and get it all mixed up in one mess
please allow yourself a maximum of moments of healthy (sports) and constructive activities to feel good - do things for yourself that will make you feel good about yourself (take good care of your body - make yourself look good) and activities that will allow for some perspective (if it's gaming or Netflix - then so be it) : this is very important if you don't want to simply break down - participate in social events, parties and happy things : you need to boost up your mental, emotional and psychological state as well as your physical state : sports boost serotonin and dopamine and will contribute to make you feel dynamic and good
feel free to come here and express yourself anytime - sending you my warm feelings of support
My dad died two yrs bak he was diagnosed heart failure but i thnk he had alzeimer too ... U r lucky one becoz u have time, wat i ll recomend is SPend max tym
Wid ur dad love him as much as u can , give him time
Make tea for him and realise him that he is imp for ur life... I couldnt get time to spnd wid my father and now i cry every night, my conscience is killing me, pls do it befr its lAte