When I was a kid, I was abused physically and verbally by my then stepfather. I was bullied in my school years, from primary and in secondary it gradually stopped. I got into a hostel till I was 18, I now have a job, my own place and a whole life ahead of me if I don't die first.
Suicide, it always plays on my mind but I distract myself with work, I try to think of all the things I should be grateful for but it doesn't work, I plan it in my head and prepare myself. This isn't a cry for attention or a phase, I understand life is tough and shit happens, but this dark feeling always hits me.
I wear coloured contacts, everyday, I hate the eyes I have and lie to my colleagues. I've never known why the will to put them in everyday is so strong, maybe it's the association with my "father" I deny my heritage whole heartedly, I deny the me that used to be hurt and thrown aside, so maybe that contributes to the fact I want to create a new character. It's my coping mechanism, it gives me courage to face everything, and this shouldn't be the case but now it's become a routine and without it I'd fall apart.
I feel alone, very lonely, very ugly, I know on the scale of attractive features I don't hit below a 2 but it isn't about looks it's about who I am and how much I want to end the continuous struggle to not feel worthless lost and hopeless in such a huge cold world that my be filled with some warmth. Every night when I get home the urge to end it just becomes stronger and stronger. My common sense and self awareness is there, I realise the seemingly obscure nature of this random thread, but I guess it's just a way for me to communicate with anyone out there willing to listen.
I know - there is nothing more unpleasant then to have to face those things in us or about us that we dislike because our ego then thinks we're no good which then in turn activates the desire to put an end to it : but this is a vicious toxic circle that can only end badly at one point
you have to get over the disgust and consider yourself to be more then an ego who embodies a personality who needs to uphold an image : an image for the world to see - even if this image is a fake one
you soul and spirit know you're lying to yourself : that's why you live in dichotomy - a rift inside you that tears you apart
you can not feel positively wholesome as long as you don't accept to see those parts in you that you don't like : to do that - you have to observe yourself "from a distance" - not identifying with the matter at hand but looking at it the way a doctor would for a diagnosis or a scientist for a study
then you can determine with cold logic the facts and how they interact - see the dynamics at play and decide how it is you're going to change that - look at "it" as a computer program you want to re-configure : the brain and chemical/hormonal structures can be re-programmed through the implementation of new habits, new ways of thinking - the body is susceptible to conditioning : you are the one at the helm - not your coping mechanisms
you can change these "habits" - not by doing "as if" because your soul will know it's fake but by taking the bull by the horns and determining how it is you want to be and feel and then implementing concrete simple steps to take one day at the time - day after day - and do it : those can be small and seemingly unimportant things but the aim is to build a better self-esteem which will lead to better self-respect
do positive things - remember how it is to laugh - for nothing : true happiness usually has no reason nor justification and that's the sheer joy to be found in happiness - it has no purpose but itself
take good care of you body - treat yourself well with the aim to feel good, healthy and dynamic - get involved in outdoor activities : go walk the dog - be in nature - do things that make you feel useful to other people : it will boost your feeling good about yourself
you can not be ugly - the body is what it is but you are not the body : you are that soul that you KNOW can shine - if you know what darkness is, it's because you know what light is : don't tell yourself you've forgotten about the light - that's lying to yourself - when a soul shines, any-body becomes beautiful
you can produce the "warmth" you need : learn how to love yourself - it's a journey of discovery and a nice one when each day you discover you like yourself a little more
That's why I have to remind myself to believe, all the time, that the whole can be greater than the sum of its parts. Lots of things make us who we are. I may hate my own DNA sometimes, but DNA isn't the only thing that turned me into me. Find something that you know is just yours. Your opinion on global warming, maybe, or the way your hair falls. There's something of you that doesn't come from anyone else. Start looking for those things, and you'll find them. Put all those things together, and they outweigh anything that you may have been born with or were burdened with during childhood. Focus on those parts of yourself, and focus on adding more stuff to yourself that you discover just for yourself.
And you CAN find something attractive about yourself, or find something to change about yourself. I despair at the shape of my jaw and the size of my shoulders, and I can't change that. But I have very pretty feet. Sure I'd rather have a breathtakingly gorgeous face, but lots of women with pretty faces are walking around with the ugliest feet you'd ever want to see. So it's something, at least. Find your something pretty and focus on it and feel good about it and even be snobby about it, if you like. I can name 6 Hollywood starlets with feet uglier than mine. Does it make me mean and judgey? Not really, because they don't care. But it makes ME feel better to foot-shame them when I see them on the red carpet. It doesn't hurt anyone when you privately celebrate a pretty thing about yourself.
You can also change some things you may not like. I'm very fair-skinned naturally, ghostly pale really, and can't tan under the sun. I just turn red. So I put tanning lotion on every day and now I have a lovely golden glow. It's a small change but it makes a big difference in how I feel, and it makes me feel more in control to know that some things, at least, I DON'T have to live with. You can dye your hair and tan your skin. Tattoo something. Pierce something. If you don't like your look, control it. Change the things you can change. You've already started doing that with the contacts. There's nothing wrong with that. Change something, and then focus on how great that change looks when you look in the mirror. I can skim over my jawline and shoulders, and admire my fake tan, when those things start to bother me. Try it. It works.
Take control of how you look at yourself and how you feel about yourself. You can find small victories, even when you feel that you weren't given a whole lot to work with in the first place. If you don't seize control of how you feel about yourself, then those people who hurt you are the ones in control of how you feel about yourself. Don't let them have that. They've taken enough from you. So follow my advice or don't, but take the control back. YOU decide how you feel about yourself, so they don't do it for you. And decide to find the good things, because they're there. I already like you and I'm not even trying. So you try, too, a little. I know you'll find all sorts of good things.
The world is cold and dark and lonely, you're right. I feel the sting of it, too. I look out at it with rage and disappointment, too. And then I read forums like this one and find people like you, someone introspective and outrospective who thinks about what's going on in their own head and what's going on in the world. I find warmth in people who think, people who have the courage to wonder and question and not just go through the motions without a single original thought. There are people out there who do that, and flit around thinking whatever they're told to think. I feel lonely in that world. But that's not the whole world, because there are people like you here, too. And you give me hope. So for me, you are a little bit of brightness in the dark. It's in those flashes that we get to see something great. So just wait. Just wait a little while longer, and you'll find a little flash as well. Keep waiting for the next one and the next one and the next one. And remember that you aren't always in the dark alone.
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