I'm unhappy in my relationship but we have children and I have nowhere to go
Hi, please excuse the bit of rant here!
I am unhappy in my relationship, but I have a son and a step son who I love dearly! I am 25 years old and currently live with my girlfriend and 2 children in her family home with her parents (I was kicked out by my adopted mother because of my girlfriend – but that was my mother’s issues). My stepson is nearly 6 years old and my son is 10 months old.
We have been together for 2 years now, and for the first part, it was great! It always is! She fell pregnant and we were happy, however, that’s when things started to go downhill. She started to base our relationship and our baby that was due on her previous relationship with my stepson’s dad (who is no longer around).
I work full time and she has just gone back to work after maternity, on a zero hour contract so doesn’t earn a lot, she tries to do 4 half days a week, and the rest is with our son (my stepson is at school full time). I am also going to night school to learn a trade to better my prospects and salary so that I can provide for my family.
My main points of concern are;
• I now have no friends because I am not ‘allowed’ to go and see anybody, any time outside of work has to be spent with her – which, I understand to a degree, however, everybody needs to have friends! It makes me feel alone, isolated from society.
• I have no other family (as previously mentioned, I was adopted and kicked out)
• I am in debt and every time I start to see improvements, she spends more and it gets worse.
• It feels like I have a ‘curfew’ – if I am 10 minutes late home from work, I get a call asking me where I am, it turns into an argument when I say that there was traffic, which is often the case!
• I feel like I cannot be a dad, if I was to pick my son up when I get home from work she shouts and swears at me saying he was happy where he was, or when he wakes up in the morning and I say good morning then I get it in the ear because I’ve spoken to him – it’s as if I need to have permission to talk to or hold my own son.
• My son does not even have my name, he has her maiden name, which always upsets me every time I think about it – my gut churns.
• If I do anything to help off my own back then it turns into an argument, for example if I make bottles up or feed the animals on my own – you know, being helpful so she doesn’t have to do it (she has 3 horses and some smaller animals) then we get into an argument because ‘she was going to do it’ and then ignores me for the rest of the evening – like literally ignores me when I talk to her – yet she says that I do nothing unless asked to (contradictive?)
• I can’t just do anything without her say so, if I do then I’m in the wrong – as an example, I want to have a quick shower, but that is the wrong thing to do because it means an argument is on the way because ‘I don’t want to spend any time with her’
• We sleep in separate bedrooms (I sleep in her sister’s old room) and our intimacy levels have decreased dramatically, maybe once or twice a month, if that?!
I feel like I am going through the motions of a relationship without the drive for it. she talks about having more kids, and if I show anything other than agreement then she threatens to leave me because all she wants is a big family – don’t get me wrong I would love more kids, but not just yet, I want to enjoy my son for a couple of years before another baby, but she wants to be pregnant within the next 10 months!
I have learned to discover the wonders of her mouth, by that I mean that it is very foul and language used is just unnecessary, everybody swears, I’m not saying I don’t swear, but within reason! Every other word is a swear word! And name calling is one of her favourite hobbies, she loves to call me names and say I am useless at whatever it may be!
I am unhappy because I feel like I have no life of my own, I have to live by what rules is set to me and if I go outside of those boundaries then it is time for an argument. I have lost my family (that I grew up with), I have lost my friends, I have lost my confidence and I feel like I am losing myself as a person! And if I do leave, I have nowhere to go other than sleep in my car!
Does anybody have any similar experiences and/or advice that they can share with me?
Sorry for the long post, but I just need to let it out (with no family or friends, I have no-one to vent to!)
Thank you in advance……..
I am unhappy that you are going through this pain. I did read all of your words, but my reply is brief. It begins with soul-searching, as all things should.
Do you want out, or do you want to fix it?
Both paths will take work, but we do know one thing: your current path must change. If you want to walk away, get ready in advance with a place to go. A friend or hotel or apartment. If you want to fix things, you will only do it through communication. You have to tell her how bad she is making you feel.
wow ! looks like there's some real selfish, controlling, abusive (narcissistic ?) behavior going on here on the part of your girlfriend : this is not to be accepted
it looks like now that she has a baby - you are "all hers" - as in obliged now to be there for her now and forever - obligation entails duty coming from orders that come from a boss : obviously she's playing the boss here with you having no say whatsoever in the game - it's a unilateral game
she can not rob you of your life, not allowing you this and that (and basically nothing) - not even be a father : this is not acceptable
why does the child not carry your name ? this too is a way to withhold power you could have for her to increase her power and control
anything you do is wrong - you just can not do anything right : she is bullying you and reducing you to being nothing - less even then her dog that she maybe treats better : this too is not acceptable
she is taking away your power, reducing you to not being anymore "someone" : it seems she wants you to become her shadow and even that wouldn't be enough
she wants more children because maybe she wants more power as a woman and mother - the one who is at the helm of it all : in this scenario you have no place other then the one to scream upon : this is not acceptable
name calling, swearing, foul mouth : lots of anger inside her that she puts in your hands - stuff she holds you accountable for and responsible for handling - she transfers her sh*t on you so you become the piece of sh*t she refuses to acknowledge she carries inside her : not acceptable
you are in no ways responsible for anything she puts on you that you know is not of your doing : refuse to carry her responsibilities
I'm sad to say it seems you're in a bad position - if she doesn't change and/or is willing to look at all this and/or go and see a counselor/therapist as well as talk this over with you in an objective factual realistic "harsh but calm and poised" way so as to seek actual solutions that work - concrete steps to implement - then I do not see another solution then you opting out - leaving to get yourself a more decent life elsewhere
hard news but real facts to deal with : get yourself together and decide what you want for yourself - yourself ONLY to start with - consider the rest after only
let me know how this goes : I wish you strength and power :)