Marriage slipping away!!!!!!
Hi, I m a guy 45 married10 years wife 36 with 2 great kids. My relationship has gone down hill for about a year now. Before Christmas during another row about lot of stuff mainly about us not being as close as I wanted anymore, her desire to want to be independent At the expense of us is killing me. She seems to have decided we are different people who want different things - this is news to me, there is not someone else (either of us). She said she needs space and is so stressed all the time. I can t leave it, want to talk, made nice gesture etc but it s not working and makes things worse. She says give her space but I m afraid if I give up trying all can it will not improve - I have said all I can over and over, seen he doctor, considering counselling but I m not sure I need it, can t seem to get to her heart she s just closed off to me - needs space!!!! How do I cope, carry on and give her space, we do live together etc with kids. What is space, why can t I get any real explanation or assurance so I can relax and move forward I m sad, confused and anxious all the time. Because I need to talk to her and want to - I do and it turns to a conversation that only hurts me more and stresses her more. Can t ignore her either.
"she seems to have decided" : that's maybe where the problem lies - in a relationship it's usually about two people handling things together
she needs space : ok - give her that because indeed the more you pressure her the more she will flee
but what does she need space for ? you are "entitled" to at least know what all this is about - if she doesn't know yet exactly - give her some time to find out but ask her to keep you informed (that's the least she can do)
she must understand that the more you don't know what's going on - the more you are going to stress out - the more you will put pressure on her to find out - the more she will get stressed out : so she has to be willing to be accountable for preventing that and to do that she needs to communicate
if communication gets stalled - it's bad news ..
Thanks, I'm not convinced she's made her mind up, when I don't press for answers and remind her in in turmoil we get on with stuff, kids etc. She's promised her parents she will do all she can to fix this but selfishly I don't see "trying" at all just ignoring the problem so I talk or do something to remind her I love her and am trying. She only says she is constantly stressed by all this and can't sleep etc. I've never been abusive toward her, always done my best and been normal. She wants space but I don't understand what that is although she says it the constant at her asking and talking about wanting to hear we will be ok together given time and effort. I shut up because I know I should but feel so anxious all the time. She says she loves me, kisses me goodnight and goodby each day, she won't mind if I cuddled her on the sofa watching tv. We are almost normal in front of everyone - she's more relaxed I guess when I'm not about in the fear I will try to bring up the subject of us and her feelings etc. We do stuff to help each other round the house, it's confusing and why I don't think it's the end. What is space, time to think and realise she does want us or does that simply allow her distance to tell me it's over.
Over Christmas she told me after a big row about us - I mean I pushed her to far with questions on what's up, why so cold, distant etc she didn't want this anymore - I got very upset (emotional) and would not accept it. She doesn't want me to leave the house as its my home too, we sleep in the same bed, civil to each other until I get frustrated by being ignored and us not speaking about this topic. She's not spoken to any friends to vent, just feels as though she's storing it all up as stress. Even if I talk about go out to dinner, calm and relaxed she sees that as stress so haven't done that. I sent her flowers, left a few notes around the house before she got up with words that remind me of her or have a meaning to us both. I'm told this is weird, I'm being weird, she doesn't understand why I did it.........just says I'm piling on stress. I asked directly if this is her way of trying to break me and I go, she says no!!!!!!
She says she wants me to get help from a doctor/counsellor - I saw a doctor who 3 months ago thought I was depressed but agrees that now I'm as I think very upset, emotional and anxious over it all. I don't need pills to make me come to terms with it as it is just need clarity and a way to move forward. She simply thinks I have lied to the doctor and I need help with my emotional state - I disagree as I always understood it's natural to feel anxious and upset in such circumstances. I said some hurtful things as did she during the Christmas period when things got very difficult for us both she now seems to be saying that she can't be sure I won't react that way again because it was so nasty - I however have to have to suck it up!!!! Having rows and saying things in the heat of the moment when angry or emotional is normal! She does not accept this a true statement and holds it over me now to. I have apologised many times but she won't give me a break - feels intentional!
If I understand this "It is' the constant at her asking and talking about wanting to hear "We" will be ok together given time and effort" This stresses her out because she must know that this is not what's going to happen. I think your wife says she wants "space" when she really wants out of the marriage, but is having a hard time getting you to hear what she means when she refuses to give you the answers you deserve.
So over Christmas she says "she did't want this anymore" this being the marriage. Your kind efforts, suggesting going out to dinner-stresses her out,giving her flowers she finds weird because she just wants you to hear and believe she no longer wants to be in this marriage. She then starts to make you the reason, you need help (not her), it's you (not her) that should suck it up- you have the right to express your emotions.
Time for you both to discuss how this "space aka :a legal separation will work. Stop being in denial and start dealing with your situation.
Thanks - she tells me she wants space (from all the talk) but also says I'm pushing, wanting to much to soon. I am a realist, just trying to understand "space". She doesn't want me to leave the house......