Proposal went wrong - sent me into a downwards spiral
Hi guys. I'm looking for a bit of advice...
I'm a 30 year old guy and for 7 years I have been in a relationship with a girl, that I have always loved very very much. She's beautiful smart and sweet. My soul mate, I felt.
She suffers from anxiety which have made life complicated - generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder. Also suffers a lot from migraines. She's a real trooper though. She's done everything I could ask of her to combat the anxiety. And I've always supported her.
Well - I asked her to marry me last year and she said no. It was quite a shock. We were in a park, I brought chanpagne, got down on my knees. And instead of accepting she started crying. She was planning to tell me that she had slept with another guy. She went to he mothers for a couple of days and I went home.
A couple of days later we talked. She was not ready to make a family. She felt to dependent of me and needed to go her own ways for a while to become stronger. She had relied heavily on me for help and comfort with all her anxiety issues, and it had made our spark fade a little. Sex life had becoe doll. We both knew that.
Whilst the failed proposal was a pretty tough blow for me, I accepted. She moved abroad, got an internship and did her own things for a while.
So we decided to give each other some space for the six months she was there. I really needed the space as I felt my dreams had collapsed-
Then I met someone else. An extremely beautiful 22 year old girl. I wanted it to only be for fun. A little dating to pass time and then get back with my ex when she came back. But slowly I developed feelings for her. I almost chose to go into a relationship with her. But at the last minute I freaked out. I couldn't let go of my ex girlfriend. How could I leave the girl that I have loved for 7 years and almost married for some girl I only knew for 4-5 months. I broke it off but it left me frustrated that I didn't take the chance.
My ex came back in august. She says she feels ready. She doesn't want to live in our apartment though. Too many routines that could make her snap back in to a bad anxiety spiral. So now she lives at a friends house.
But I have become hesitant now. I've asked myself many questions this past year. Can she really be a mother? Will she be able to keep a job? Will I end up as the sole provider of the family taking care of the kids and my wife as well? I am very much in love but the sexual tension is practically non-existent now. I think all the emotional stuff we've been going through and the relationship where I have ”taken care of her” has made the spark fade somewhat.
She's been home for five months now and the whole thing is draining us both. I know that she loves me a lot. But I lost some devotion because of what has happened. And the fact that she doesn't want to move in to my apartment makes it further difficult. I have no money to buy a new place and she hasn't either. Now she's going abroad again for 3 months to finish her thesis because the emotional turmoil at home with me was too much. So she will be back in May and then we have to take it from there. I really love her and she's practically the only real relationship I had. So I don't have a lot to compare with either.
Should I stick and fight despite everything - infidelity, anxiety, depression, complications, but a lot of love...how difficult should love really be.
Your actions are speaking when you decided to let someone else in your life(rebound)regardless of if your marriage proposal was knocked back. "A little dating to pass time and then get back with my ex when she came back" are infamous words spoken a million times by different people of both genders in different circumstances. You can't possibly achieve another successful relationship until you are well and truly over your last one and it applies to everyone as you found out first hand.
If you were in love with your 'soul mate', and she with you, you wouldn't need to question the future with her or what you would have to do to maintain it...you would just do it without a doubt. In reality, you didn't almost marry her, because she wasn't ready and still isn't ready and whether she realises it or not, is another matter. She basically gave you guys a chance to start to move on by relocating overseas and in some ways you 'waited' for her but then you became involved with someone to pass the time?
Was it all OK to do this because she slept with someone else when you were preparing to propose to her? Did/does 7 years mean anything to her at the time?
You need to be true to yourself and ask yourself why you have doubts about your relationship with her because if you do have doubts, then it's your instinct that is telling you that all is not well(hence your post)and it's best to move on from her properly. If you follow your heart, then after 7 years, love will continue to be difficult for you. It's not so much about having something to compare your relationship with, it's about whether you know deep down if there's any future for it. True love will overcome anything but when you question it and the circumstances, it basically never was.
You're absolutely right when you say that "You can't possibly achieve another successful relationship until you are well and truly over your last one" - and I really did hurt this other girl, which was quite immature and selfish of me.
I think I chose my words badly when I said I dated to "pass time". It was more that because I had only had very few intimate experiences before my girlfriend I thought I would try it out now that we were broken up. So I wouldn't regret it one day. But well - I guess how I frame it doesn't really make a difference. I got involved with someone else and that speaks for itself, right?
I think that the " If you were in love with your 'soul mate', and she with you, you wouldn't need to question the future with her" is a bit more complicated. I had really made up my mind before I proposed. There was not a shred of doubt back then. Really. But all the time we've been away from each other and the stuff we've been through has made me thinking. And living with all the anxiety and depression is really tough, and I try to get my head around if I can cope with it again. We are not in a good place now, and with her going abroad for 3 months again now, our living situation unresolved and the absent "spark" I'm wondering if sticking in there for another half year will only make things worse and just postpone the decision that I'm struggling to make. we've already been a mess for 1,5 year.
I guess you're right that "it's your instinct that is telling you that all is not well and it's best to move on from her properly"
You're most correct when you state that your relationship is a bit more complicated and it's a personal story between you and your girl. Only you and her get a look in to resolve your situation together.
Your relationship is 7 years long and it's a fair chunk of your 'young' years which are one of life's many learning curves. There's a lot of history there and it's a difficult decision to make whichever way you go, but rest assured, whatever decision you make will go a long way to being the correct one if you listen to your gut first rather than your heart.
Thanks! I value the advice. You get so confused when you think too much and too long about things