hi, i am seeking some advice on if i am over-reacting and considering that divorce is the best soultion. i really would appreciate some input and any advice, or help, i mayt get.
im 44, been married for 7 or 8 yrs now. wife and i dated 4 or 5 yrs before marriage. i have 2 and she has 5, so it was a big committment. currently there are 4 of her kids still living at home. the boys are 15, 20, 21, and a girl 18. there has been trouble in our marriage for a few years now. i take ownership for 50%, but my wife doesnt accept any ownership at all. i feel i left our marriage open for problems since the beginning. i was a work acholic, amongnst other things, and feel i wasnt around enough to prevent things from happening. in trying to give all the kids a life better than what they knew, and what i had as a child, i lost my wife or at the very least, lost myself.
three years ago i found out my wife was talking with someone she knew before, and during apparently, we got married. she mentioned this person would have been someone she would have pursued a life with had i nt come back into the picture. he had recently been released from prison and by "chance", she ran into him one evening at a walmart. i was away for work as usual and stumbled across a deleted picture of this person she had sent to her daughter. i waited a week before confronting her, all the while asking certain questions and bring up things in hopes of getting a truthful answer. when i confronted her with the picture, she denied knowing who it was and anything else having to do with it. she swore on kids graves, their and her lives, and as well as the bible. unsatisfied with the answers i kept to myself for a week , trying to figure things out. finally she comes clean as to who it was but insisted it was no more than friendly conversation. for the next couple weeks i struggled with finding out the absolute truth about the situation. it turns out they had been keeping in contact, while he was in prison, by letters that were being sent and recieved using her dads address. which was her previous address before moving with me. along with the letters, there were numerous texts between them while i was at work, out of town and even while we were together at home. we had gotten into a bad arguement some time back about me not giving her "her privacy" and she was getting angry about it. so unwillingly agreed to trust and believe her hoping i was making a decision for the better of our marriage.
we eventually decided to stay together and agreed, i was over reacting. this caused strife between us for several months. six to seven months later, my grandmother passsed away. i was completely devastated. i was raised by my gma and gpa since the age of 3. it affected more like my mother had passed. her passing happened 1 day before our anniversary and 2 days before my birthday. needless to say, niether of them were filled with any type of comfort or happiness.
trying to deal with everything was becoming overwhelming. a month and a half after my gma passing, i was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. i had to undergo surgery and treatment immediately. the dr's gave me a 15% chance to live and i would have to do radiation and chemo. for the next 3 to 4 months i went through what only i can discribe as hell! i had to put all the unresolved issues on hold, while i tried to get through the battle. i still worked as much as i could during this period. there were days i laid in bed unable to get up, wishing i would die and get put out of my misery. my wife helped some in the beginning, but a third of the way through, she informed me i was being to difficult to cope with and all but left me to myself. in the end, i completed my treatment and was offically deemed in remission. although the news was great to hear, it only meant i now had to deal with the problems that were put a side.
i returned to work, full time, immediately after treatments ended. i was in as good spirits as i could be and debated with, the only answer i could come up with, divorce. six months after returning to work, i suffered an on the job near fatal injury. a high voltage electrocution would almost put me down, but for some reason, i was spared and left to wonder as why. i have had, and seen, friends lose their life encountering a situation as mine. i just cant see a reason as to why it didnt take me.
now as to date, its been a year and a half since my accident, i struggle with "ptsd', depression, suicide and a lack of feeling anything. things between my wife and i are steadily declining. as a result of the accident, i no longer can work, i no longer see myself as a man or able husband. theres constant problems with some of the kids not wanting to work or put forth any effort to help out. my wife doesnt want to make them move out or enforce certain rules that would help in my recovery from the accident and our marriage. but the last starw, so to say, is the fact that i have to accept being isplated and left alone because i dont agree about my wife caring for an infant child. i can only assume divorce should be the next step. does any of this make any sense to anyone? am i being too stubborn not wanting to compromise knowing it would definately be problems for me? ive been placed in a corner i can not get out of. is there a lawyer willing to help me out with a divorce need be?
Have you tried marriage counseling? I am not a counselor or a lawyer. This is a lot of life history here. Based on what I have read, it would be difficult for me to tell you what the “right step” is. I would leave that decision to you and your wife. In your opinion, is the marriage past the point of no return? Is your marriage worth fighting for, or do you feel it has run its course? My opinion is that those are things you will need to answer yourself. I have no marriage experience, so telling you to go one way or the other would not be good for me to do.
(Sorry for the delay, Rico.)
Let me just give it to you straight (because you've wasted enough time already).
This woman sounds completely and utterly depraved, selfish, immature, irresponsible (as a person and mother), egotistical, selfish, short-sighted, selfish, cold-hearted, selfish,...oh, and, in case I forgot to mention - selfish. Albeit that your 'workaholism' obviously wouldn't have helped matters, I fail to see what real difference it would or could have made when with a woman like your wife, had you NOT been! Do you? And anyway, how is a man supposed NOT to be a workaholic with a family that huge? So stop trying to blame yourself as if it accordingly puts you in the driver's seat. It does NOT.
Going by all of the above (which I read three times, btw, just to be absolutely certain), she in actual fact sounds grossly, repeat, GROSSLY narcissistic. To the point of 'chocolate teapot' on-legs. And NOT just in temporary fashion due to her affair triggering a need to demonize you and the entire relationship (like most cheaters are apt to do to the spousal victim in order to put paid to any guilt or/and protect and preserve their 'nice person' public image). But as her default character as pre-dated the actual affair - AS EVENTS PLAINLY SHOW.
Go google why cheaters demonize the spouse. In your case, all this adulterer's psychology did was EXACERBATE her wholly apparent pre-existing lack of moral compass and empathy.
Tell me again why you're not relieved to be getting rid of her? I mean, how on earth could the relationship have been any good for you or your kids with a woman like that? How could it still?
Sorry about your "mum", by the way, and your cancer.
Do you realise that, as we speak, you have a female counterpart posting in the almost exact same vein as you right now? Go check it out, it's called, 'Hurting after split with boyfriend after 11 years'... and then tell me what you think?
I think you should cease trying to hold back the inevitable tide as is driving you (ref accident) to distraction, depressing the pants off of you and increasingly chipping away your confidence, and just go get that divorce, in order to finally meet huge relief and release. As Whitney put it: "I'd rather be a-lone [for a while] than un-ha-ppy"...Wouldn't you at this point? With a woman like that, with an intrinsic attitude and behaviour to suit, I can't see what on earth there is TO save, even if you could. Can you?
...Or would you rather wait until a grand piano gets 'chucked' out of an upstairs apartment window onto your head? (Take Fate's desperate and exasperated hints to cease holding onto *nothing* with your very stubborn and fearful fingertips, in other words!)
If THIS is what's holding you back...
"as a result of the accident, i no longer can work, i no longer see myself as a man or able husband."
...then you are wrong-wrong-WRONG with a capital W! You're out of touch, viewing things as if still single and in your 20s. Plus, you were *always* supposed to marry only a woman who would love you for you, not how much money you've got or anything else...and LEAST of all, because you were better than singledom or a bid to make her more attractive to this jailbird through being 'stolen fruit'! So there was your original mistake.
Granted, women who've yet to bear kids do have a cast-iron, sensible and pragmatic reason for seeking a decent provider behind them in addition to being their special someone, but - not now, not at your age and stage. There are more women out there than you can COUNT whom, having divorced and received a one-off or ongoing annual settlement, enough to consider themselves financially self-sufficient or near-as-damnit, can nowadays choose a man based purely and solely on selfish criteria. And I'm talking EARNED selfishness, HEALTHY selfishness...not your so-called wife's sort. I.e. wanting AND COMMONLY *SAYING* (PRAYING), 'I just want a good heart and sod the rest!'. And quite a few of them *love* being needed and getting to play nursie... particularly when they love the very bones of you and consider it a privilege.
Repeat - YOU. Consider it a female version of regular bunches of flowers for the one they adore. You, meantime, can 'provide' the things they nowadays actually NEED and more often than not actually wanted all along (if only they'd had the means to pander to that human psychological hunger): time and attention, emotional support, stimulating conversation,....A ROCK. Well, with you they'll get a rock AND a limpet to-boot! THAT'S more like it!, they'll shout.
So - nice excuse, but...not nice enough.
PS: What's this about an infant child?
PPS: Are there any divorced or divorcing men and women in your present or past circle and general locale whom you could ask to recommend a good family lawyer to you?
Rico, after reading your thread, I think you need to cut your losses and get out of this marriage. This woman has done nothing but take from you, she had 5 children and needed someone to raise them, while she has been sneaking around behind your back having contact with a past friend. She was having contact with this man, before you married her and has continued since you married. The letters were being sent to her fathers house, so she knew very well what she was doing was wrong. I ask you this if the conversations between her and this man were only friendly, as she put it, then why would she have to lie about them. I have experience with the past good friend, it wasn't me with the good friend, it was my ex, and when I expressed my concerns, I was tossed aside like I was nothing as well, I was told that the TRUST was gone, for something I had no control over. He destroyed our friendship of 40 years for a no class barfly. You say that you are a workaholic, how could you not be, you took on the care of 6 people besides your own, that was a huge commitment for you to make. I would have most likely ran the other way. While you were out working to support a family of 9, your poor lonely neglected wife, found comfort in the letters and texts from her prison pal. I find this repulsive, she is not worthy of you, because you sir are to good for her. I am truly sorry for your loss of your grandmother and your bout with cancer, and your life changing accident. All I can say is that someone pretty powerful is watching over you and it is not your time to go. During this time your wife, (I would say this thing that poses to be a wife, turned her back on you in your time of need), seems pretty obvious to me unless you are doing for her and her kids, she wants nothing to do with you, its all about her and her needs and wants. She is purely a selfish, self-centered, and extremely narcissistic in every way. I hate to tell you but this woman will never change everything is about her, and will always be about her. You basically caught her cheating, whether it was physical or not. That is why she is turning the tables on you when you discovered her deceit. This is how she shows the man that stepped up and took on the job of caring for her and her lazy brood. Yes they are lazy, the 18, 20, and 21 year olds are adults and should be out supporting themselves unless they are in college. Which I doubt they are. Instead they are laying around waiting for you, to continue to take care of them. This is how they show thanks to the man that stepped up and gave them a better life. They should be at your side helping you now. You have a choice you can pack your stuff and leave or tell them to pack theirs and get out of the house you worked to pay for. Cut your losses and move on there are a lot of women out there that would love to have a man like yourself for just the companionship and who would treat you with the love and respect you deserve. One thing is certain this woman didn't marry you for love she married you for what you could give her, and when the giving stopped, she turned her back on you and let you feel like the worlds biggest loser, and less of a man. Get a phone book and find you a good lawyer, and let this self centered bunch you call a family, go take care of themselves.