How to deal with self inflicted loneliness
I have a lot of things going on that I haven't talked to anyone about for years and this is the first time so it feels weird which one to pick. So I'll just go with the most dominating feeling I have at the moment.
I fell for my bestfriend three years ago. We used to talk all the frikkin time. We fought last year and I never confessed to her that I liked her. We've stopped talking since (I still like her) and I feel horribly lonely now. I do have people that I can talk to but the connection I make is just not on the same level, and I just find myself forcing a very dry conversation with everyone. It just doesn't feel the same as it did with her and in the end, I end up ignoring everyone.
This is worsened by the fact that I've been suffering from chronic depression since the past two years that I have only told my parents about (which wasn't much help either) due to other issues I don't want to talk about right now. I'm at the stage where I've lost interest in everything that I used to love: Music (My favorite band doesn't appeal to me anymore), listening to people's issues (I loved helping people) and generally just even trying to participate in conversations at time.
Right now, I feel like I have absolutely no one that I can talk to whenever I want to, about whatever I want to, like it was with her. I have to bottle up everything and keep it all in.
I don't know if I can help but I'll try.
The chronic depression is a tough one...I don't know if you're already seeing a therapist, but that would be a good place to start.
Was the fight with your best friend so ugly that you can't resume contact? Perhaps write her a letter to tell her how you feel?
More generally it seems you're stuck in a place you can't get out of. I find that sometimes when you feel that you've lost interest in the things you used to like you tend to beat yourself up about it. Why can't I just enjoy things like I used to!? And then it gets even harder to enjoy them. Perhaps you need to make a bigger change to get new inspiration...move to a new place, get a new job, plan a lengthy travel somewhere. Even if you dont entirely feel like doing it (being depressed I guess you don't feel like doing anything) you might just need to relocate yourself mentally and physically to get a new perspective on things. At least I don't thing bottling things up is the way to go.
I wish you all the best!
Thankyou so much for taking out the time to reply REVILODE. I think you're right about finding new inspirations and seeking a therapist. I should really get to that. I did move to a new place recently (College), and I think the failure of finding a really close friend left me disappointed.
No, the fight wasn't that bad. We are sort of on good terms but just never talk. She'll be moving abroad very soon and is probably planning to start a new life as well. I think it's a bit too late for me to do that and extremely awkward as well.