Desperately need advice
(I apologize in advance my writing and explanation skills are awful)
I am 17 almost 18 years old and in college i haven't had a bad upbringing at all my parents split up when i was around 2 years old so i dont really remember it and i live sometimes with my mum and sometimes with my dad. Both my parents get along and have always tried their best for me but due to my mothers awful personality and somewhat hatred towards me we find it almost impossible to get on constantly arguing and although i lived with my mother for the majority of my younger years, we have never really had a proper relationship and most of the time its like living with a complete stranger who you have to attempt to be civil with because your around them constantly.
My father on the other hand is my absolute idol and best friend, he has made me into the person i am and has heavily influenced me throughout my life and pushed me to do the things i was good at when growing up but due to his personality also i find it almost impossible to speak to him about my problems or things that worry me because he is a very self absorbed person and wont pay much attention to my problems if they don't concern him in any way.
(My parents arnt the main subject of this post i just thought itd be important to explain that i cant really talk to them about anything.)
I am a very mature person for my age my parents expected me to grow up very quickly i think i was constantly surrounded by people older than me due to having older brothers and such so i think i felt like i needed to be able to join in and understand more intellectual and maturer conversations and topics.
Ive always found it very easy to make friends because im able to talk to people of any age and from any walk of life and i used to have a lot of friends when i was younger but a select couple these days but what i used to find quite difficult is being friends with people who i had not much in common with or being friends with people who weren't on the same wave length as me for example when i was about 11 i was listening to all sorts of music (music is a very big passion of mine)from bands like black sabbath to jimi hendrix to INXS to eminem to the cure to faithless etc whilst everyone i was friends with was listening to what ever was on the charts (which dont get me wrong some of its okay) but friendship was never really an issue for me it wouldnt keep me up at night worrying about loosing friens or gaining friends as i was content to be around people or on my own.
I never really adapted well to the school environment for some reason i always hated school from a young age it just wasnt where i wanted to be which always puzzled me because im a humongous over thinker and i love delving into every bit of information i can sink my teeth into but over the years my time at school has gradually been getting worse and so have my grades with it to the point where now i barely go into college and im almost certainly going to be kicked out if i dont get myself out of this phase im in.
The way i feel now started when i started secondary school from what i remember i absolutely hated it and tried to avoid it at all costs when i first started i would cry almost every day for the first 4 - 5 months and have to be get sent home because of the states i would get into i then got taken to the doctor by my mother as she couldnt find a soultion and they put me on herbal remedy pills to try and calm me down which didnt really help so i stopped taking them.
After that phase kind of wore off i was doing pretty well with grades and such and doing the best i could to use the school to my advantage as my school was graded 3rd worst school in the UK and nearly got shut down 4 times over the years. anyway as the years went by at school i found myself becoming less and less interested and in a way kind of dumbing down on the academic front as my problems at home with my mum would usually over ride school completely and have me pretty emotionally drained and pretty depressed but me being the stubborn person i am i would completely hide how i was feeling from everyone and not talk to anyone because my way of dealing with problems is to think about them and anaylise them and try to understand why im feeling the way i am and then shove them to the back of my mind and forget about them which i think may be where i mite of gone wrong.
I met my boyfriend of 3 and a half years through one of my friends at the time at around 13 (he is 2 years older than me) and we completely fell head over heels in love with each other and he has tried hard to help me emotionally and academically over the years as much as he could whilst sitting his exams too. He is such an important person to me and he has taken care of me over the years when my family situations have been rough and throughout a manor of other things too. we've also had a very intense lustful relationship over the years and we regularly have sex.
Nothing really bad in my life has ever happened to me apart from my grandad dieing when i was younger which was quite difficult because i had to watch him slowly degrade from dementia infront of me as i was living at my dads often. I think what has made me the way i am now is my constant arguements with my mum which i wont go fully into but they were pretty bad i think that put me into a fragile state of mind and as the arguements with my mum get more intense and more vicious and more regular there seems to be more problems occuring from them.
The next real bad thing to happen to me from my grandad was getting pregnant last year. Me and my boyfriend used to have sex quite a lot and i ended up getting pregnant as we never really used to wear condoms often because i couldnt afford them as i dont have a job and he was too embarrased to buy them most of the time. Anyway i found out i was pregnant after doing a test as my period was late and i told my boyfriend and we sat down and spoke about it and said that obviously we were far too young to have a child and we wouldnt be able to financially afford it either so i decided it was best to obviously have an abortion but at the time i wasnt in a very good frame of mind i was pretty stressed out and constantly upset and crying and i put off going to the doctors as i was too scared to really if im honest and it was only a few weeks until me and my boyfriend were supose to go to Glastonbury Festival so i put it off for as long as i could until when we got to glastonburyi realised that i couldnt deal with being in the kind of enviroment in the state i was in so i had to go home after 3 days my dad came and picked me up and i couldnt tell him that i was coming home because i was pregnant and depressed and didnt want to be around drugs alcohol and loud people so i got taken home.
After glastonbury was a very tough time for me because my hormones were all over the place from being pregnant and i just wasnt in a good time in my life anyway and i still hadnt been to the doctors about being pregnant. anyway it got to about july i finally plucked up the courage and went to the doctors and then they referred me to an abortion clinic as i had no idea how pregnant i was. when i went for my first appointment at the abortion clinic i got an ultra sound and i found out i was 18 and a half weeks pregnant with twins which i saw on the ultra sound screen when i was getting my scan, after that they discussed my treatment with me and made another appointment for the procedure. i had to wait a week until my next appointment and if im honest at the time i wasnt phased by any of it at all i wasnt sad i wasnt happy i just knew that it needed to be done. the whole abortion experience itself was obviously not a nice one at all there was a lot of pain and a lot of being uncomfortable for a whole day untill i was aloud to go home.
When i got home my mum when absolutely mad at me for being gone all day and not phoning her to let her know i wasnt back for dinner because i didnt know how long the abortion would take, but she was completely un aware of me being pregnant and me just having major surgery and to this day either my mum or my dad still have no clue about the abortion or me even being pregnant.
Obviously what i went through was quite traumatic considering i had to go through my 17th birthday and glastonbury being quite pregnant and being able to feel my stomach moving on its own and things, but i dont think its affected me as badly as i thought it would obviously i cried about it with my boyfriend a few days after it happened but apart from that ive tried to just not think about it and get on with my life and college to the best of my abilities.
This past year has been the hardest year of my entire life due to the way im feeling and the way my head is right now. I feel completely numb on a day to day basis and feel like i deserve to be so upset and so tormented by my own emotions, i feel also like ive been on this planet far too long which is a silly thing to say i know as im only 17 but i feel like ive mentally been through a lot through my life even more than most adults i know have.
My emotions are now starting to effect my day to day life by making it almost impossible for me to put any mental effort into nearly anything especially college which im now completely failing due to my me being all over the place most of the time some days i dont even feel like i have the mental capacity to pull it together and make a cup of tea. Im also always on the edge of crying for some reason and my moods completely flit from euphoric to depressed within seconds ive also started becoming really agressive towards my boyfriend for some unknown reason which is absolutely horrible because he dosnt deserve it at all.
i barely sleep anymore hence why im writing this at 3:30 in the morning and im just not the person i used to be anymore i dont do anything i rarely go out i dont enjoy music or any of my hobbies anymore at all and when i try to get interested and engaged in things it just dosnt seem to work at all, i feel like im a complete robot with no personality no feelings who dosnt feel pain and is just merely existing for no reason what so ever apart from to be used and its got to the stage now where im in need of help so much so ive attempted to come onto the internet to talk to complete strangers
Im sorry that this is so stupidly long and and so badly written but i'm very confused and angry and upset with where i am right now and i just need some kind of advice from someone, anything will do thanks.
I feel the same way. Im not the same I was.
Just for starters (i.e. beginning at the beginning)...
"I apologize in advance my writing and explanation skills are awful"
No, they're not. Quite the opposite, in fact.
"i haven't had a bad upbringing at all my parents split up when i was around 2 years old "
Translation: I didn't have a bad upbringing at all although yes I did. (I agree.)
"so i dont really remember it"
Yes, you do. You merely can't recall it on the conscious level.
" i live sometimes with my mum and sometimes with my dad."
Sometimes meaning in a regular, structured way or do you mean completely ad-hoc thus pulled from pillar to post with too little warning?
"Both my parents get along and have always tried their best for me but due to my mothers awful personality and somewhat hatred towards me we find it almost impossible to get on constantly arguing and although i lived with my mother for the majority of my younger years, we have never really had a proper relationship and most of the time its like living with a complete stranger who you have to attempt to be civil with because your around them constantly."
What do you mean by awful personality?
Re the 'hatred': are you perhaps uncannily similar in personality, mannerisms *and* looks to your dad?
How do you know your parents truly get along, save for whenever they're in front of you? And how can your mother's 'hatred' towards you, or your father having abandoned the nest, or either parent not engaging with your EMOTIONAL needs qualify as 'always trying their best for you'? Is this why you're not happy yet in the dark about why, thus struggling with the fact (sensation) as now is affecting the workings of your life, all areas?
"My father on the other hand is my absolute idol and best friend"
Could that have anything to do with why your mother has 'hatred' towards you? Have a little thinkipoos about that and get back to me.
PS: INXS, The Cure and Eminem high five!
PPS: "Em-in-em! (doot-doooooo dee-doo-doot).....n-Em-in-em! (doot-doo-doot-doo).....n-Em-in-em! (doot-dooooo dee-doo-doot..dee-doo-doot..dee-doo-doot..de-doo-doot-doo-doot doot-doot-do-doot-doooo!)"
Sorry, couldn't resist - punch me later!
To make it up to you - try giving The Pixies and Love 'n Rockets a whirl (if you haven't already).
Thanks for sharing all your thoughts and feelings in this post! It is not always easy to share so many details, even online. I think sharing is a big step! It sounds to me like you have a LOT that you are dealing with internally right now. That might explain a lot of the physical symptoms you are feeling. Have you ever considered just making a list of the physical things you feel? It might help you to see if written down to start working on feeling better.
I remember going through some hard times early on in my college experience as well, the mental stress definitely affected me physically as well. I had the chance to visit a counselor at the school for no charge. It was completely confidential and really helpful to me as I sorted everything out.
I hope that you begin feeling like yourself again! I hope its okay, but I'm going to add you to my prayers today.
Sweetie, number one.... you need to know... It will all be ok. You are depressed and with good reason.. You said it yourself... You had to grow up fast.
You shouldn't have had to, but you thought you had to....... so you did.
No matter how numb to the abortion you thought you felt, you might have repressed the feelings in order to deal with the situation.
So here are your combined stressors that led you to where you are
Feeling unloved by your mother
Not close to either parent in a confidential way
Growing up before you were ready
Those issues culminated to where you are right now.
They are not small things and it's no wonder your mind/body has buckled at this point. You are not weak you have had to be tough for too long.
I wouldn't mind being a person for you to talk to, but you need someone. Are there free councillors in your area? You need not be ashamed to talk to one and don't be ashamed. You are not the first or the last to go though any of the troubles you've been through. It will be ok, but you have to unload some of your mental baggage, or it will never be better. Feel free to get in touch... [e-mail address removed]