I feel the same way. Im not the same I was.
Just for starters (i.e. beginning at the beginning)...
"I apologize in advance my writing and explanation skills are awful"
No, they're not. Quite the opposite, in fact.
"i haven't had a bad upbringing at all my parents split up when i was around 2 years old "
Translation: I didn't have a bad upbringing at all although yes I did. (I agree.)
"so i dont really remember it"
Yes, you do. You merely can't recall it on the conscious level.
" i live sometimes with my mum and sometimes with my dad."
Sometimes meaning in a regular, structured way or do you mean completely ad-hoc thus pulled from pillar to post with too little warning?
"Both my parents get along and have always tried their best for me but due to my mothers awful personality and somewhat hatred towards me we find it almost impossible to get on constantly arguing and although i lived with my mother for the majority of my younger years, we have never really had a proper relationship and most of the time its like living with a complete stranger who you have to attempt to be civil with because your around them constantly."
What do you mean by awful personality?
Re the 'hatred': are you perhaps uncannily similar in personality, mannerisms *and* looks to your dad?
How do you know your parents truly get along, save for whenever they're in front of you? And how can your mother's 'hatred' towards you, or your father having abandoned the nest, or either parent not engaging with your EMOTIONAL needs qualify as 'always trying their best for you'? Is this why you're not happy yet in the dark about why, thus struggling with the fact (sensation) as now is affecting the workings of your life, all areas?
"My father on the other hand is my absolute idol and best friend"
Could that have anything to do with why your mother has 'hatred' towards you? Have a little thinkipoos about that and get back to me.
PS: INXS, The Cure and Eminem high five!
PPS: "Em-in-em! (doot-doooooo dee-doo-doot).....n-Em-in-em! (doot-doo-doot-doo).....n-Em-in-em! (doot-dooooo dee-doo-doot..dee-doo-doot..dee-doo-doot..de-doo-doot-doo-doot doot-doot-do-doot-doooo!)"
Sorry, couldn't resist - punch me later!
To make it up to you - try giving The Pixies and Love 'n Rockets a whirl (if you haven't already).
Sweetie, number one.... you need to know... It will all be ok. You are depressed and with good reason.. You said it yourself... You had to grow up fast.
You shouldn't have had to, but you thought you had to....... so you did.
No matter how numb to the abortion you thought you felt, you might have repressed the feelings in order to deal with the situation.
So here are your combined stressors that led you to where you are
Feeling unloved by your mother
Not close to either parent in a confidential way
Growing up before you were ready
Those issues culminated to where you are right now.
They are not small things and it's no wonder your mind/body has buckled at this point. You are not weak you have had to be tough for too long.
I wouldn't mind being a person for you to talk to, but you need someone. Are there free councillors in your area? You need not be ashamed to talk to one and don't be ashamed. You are not the first or the last to go though any of the troubles you've been through. It will be ok, but you have to unload some of your mental baggage, or it will never be better. Feel free to get in touch... [e-mail address removed]