My life is embarrassing to live
Since I could remember, my life has always been pretty bad. I've had some good moments that never seemed to last. My father used to physically abuse me when I was little and my mother did nothing. She used to call me rubbish and useless and let the landladys son bully me. I did well in school but my self esteem never reached that level. I also never bothered learning my language and recieved constant ridicule.
Later in my life I became the first one in my family to go to University. Its there that I first started smoking weed drinking and dating. I had my first abortion at 18. I then started cheating on all my boyfriends then engaged in casual sex and would come home at odd hours. This led me to fail a subject twice as I was always bunking my Monday classes because of all the partying. I then started sleeping with men who were not very attractive at all. On one occassion two brothers attempted to rape me, the police never believed me. The landladys son told his mother I was a liar.
I was hurt. So I decided to run away to an older man who seemed caring though not very attractive. When people saw us together they would laugh or mock us.Later he abused me, isolated me from my friends made me quit uni and even told his kids that I was mentally unstable. His daughter even said I was just an object. I also fell pregnant and it was the most horrible experience of my life. Afterwards I had postpartum pyschosis, I never wanted children and here I was stuck with an abusive man and his hateful kids. The landlady at my mothers place also decided to ban me from her property upon hearing that I was pregnant.
My mother still has lovely chats with her to this day taking special care not to mention my name. I initialy wanted to have my son adopted but my ex insisted on keeping him. I don't want to be a mother , I dont want my life. And I dont know why I bother living it. All my peers are happy, have graduated, gotten married and have good jobs. At 22 , I have absolutely nothing to be happy about.
I don't want to date or have sex or go out . I have no curiousity about the future because I keep screwing my life up. I am trying to find comfort in the possibility of me leaving the city but it doesnt matter how far you run. I am also always fantasising about killing my ex and his whole family and everymnne who hurt Me.
I don't think I'm sane anymore. All I feel is pain and anger
One thing you should realize is that you are a very strong person. To go through what you have is beyond hard. It is difficult to share all of this with other people. Be happy that there is always tomorrow. Don’t focus on the people who hurt you because they will continue to hurt you in your mind if you let them. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. I am sure we have all been guilty of that at one time or another. All you can do is try to move forward as much as you can. Try to live your life in ways that are better than what you have experienced in the past. Don’t become those people you hate. Be true to yourself, and do the best you can.
I agree you're incredibly strong!
Question: Pretend I'm your Fairy Godmother with a magic wand, granting you three wishes. What, in order of priority, are they?
insanity is irrationality - thus meaning the incapacity to rationally think, ponder, consider and decide - which lead people to repeating the same thinking patterns, attitudes, actions and behaviors and as Tiles says - expecting different results
the fact you can tell your story in a rather objective factual way proves you're not - you may have suffered or are still suffering from severe trauma which can induce more or less temporary "disorders" which if unattended to - can of course turn into real and permanent (integrated & ingrained) personality disorders - which we do not wish for you
where are you living now ? are you in a place of your own ? is your son with you ? how old is he ? yes - it's is a good idea of changing scenery completely and go and live somewhere else - start over - turn a new leaf - do you have any financial revenue or otherwise social/legal help-support of any kind ? if not go looking for anyone who can help you get your life back on track
as for killing all those who hurt you - yes - I can imagine you hold some anger which is causing you pain - but it is not your pain : it's the carrying of what is not yours that causes you pain - people do mean things to one another - to hurt physically or not but mostly for others to feel THEIR pain : then the other gets to carry the load - this is the way people transfer responsibility
you don't need to do this - once you see it's not yours - let it go - consider it's not yours - what you've experienced is yours but not what the others want you to be responsible for with you knowing deep down you're not : so push it to the side and get on with what concerns you
the past is the past : you can not change that - what you can do is work at you future - your future is not your past : the past is the compost on which you can seed new life
you are what you are now : anything else is a projection of a possible future or a reflection of the past
start printing out a blueprint of what you want that can be the best for you - make a list of pro and con : be realistic - do something constructive each day and get all the help you can get
let me know