I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't understand what to do with life, what I want to do in life, what it is I really what or what I am actually good at. I guess the simple term is "I don't know" which is an answer I give to people so many times in life because I honestly just do not know. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that, I'm not looking for don't kill yourself because I am not suicidal, I'm just frustrated and I guess I am just looking to vent.
I'm only 21 years old, and yes I know I am still young, I know that I still have a lot to learn in life and I know that there is a lot more to my future and that life is hard and that we have to get by the hard parts just to get to the good parts of our life and I understand that, but honestly does it have to be this hard? I graduated in 2012, and immediately went straight to college for something that I didn't want to do in the end, it's just something my father had talked me into because in the end it is a good paying job. I guess I had problems with FASFA that they never told me until the end of my first semester and I pretty much went to college my first semester for free, which because of that I was not allowed back or anything. Since I was not going to college anymore I had the decision to move to another state, where I could possibly get a better paying job without a degree or anything that my family could help me out with. At the same time my mother was moving to a different part of the state to be with other family members.
After the move and working at a complete different job, I ended up not getting the job because the manager said I need more "life expierence" which because of that I quit my current job, but I also had an interview for this job in a factory for better pay. Because I had quit my current job my father kicked me out of the place I was living, even though he didn't live there. My mother had asked me to come live with her to help take care of her since she has always been sick so I did and got a job down where she had lived.
I've never been attractive or at least to me I never have. Girls like tall guys...i'm 5'2-5'3. Girls like fit guys and skinny guys and I'm fat due to growth hormone that I took when I was younger. So being short, as well as being fat that isn't something girls like to see and in our day of age, making an opinion of someone based on appearance is like breathing air. It's natural now to people and everyone does it, they judge everyone they see even if they say they don't or try not to. Any relationship that I have has never lasted long, and in my opinion honestly it was a pity relationship on the girls end. It's never lasted or anything and to be honest the only times that I have had sex, the girl and I have been drunk, all times with all girls that I have had sex with.
To me, i'm just an ugly 21 year old guy that still lives with his mom, with a shit job and a 5000 college debt who will never have a real lasting relationship. I don't know where to turn, where to go or even what to do in life and I honestly just want to give up but I never do because of that small hope that it will get better. No matter what I do to better myself, in the end it is worthless and I just don't ever see this life turning up for me. So there you have it. Me venting. Thanks for reading if you did and just comment anything you'd like to.