Lost in emotional pain
I'm writing this post just to be able to tell someone how I feel. I'm not writing this for attention or to sound like a little bitch. I just want to be able to vent and let my feelings out. A few months ago I wrote a post on here about a girl that took me on a huge emotional rollercoaster that ended on a very bad note. It was the first time I had been rejected by someone and it hurt me... a lot. Ever since then my life has just gone in a downward spiral. I completely bombed my last few weeks of college resulting in a 2.6 gpa for the semester. I returned home for the holidays feeling completely destroyed. Of course I had to lie to my mom about my grades. I have been spending my Christmas vacation sitting in my room eating junk food and watching Netflix/ playing video games. I know, I should probably go out and get a job or something but I just lack the motivation to do anything right now. My new sleeping schedule is pretty much stay up all night and sleep all day. My mom has picked up on this and I guess she got fed up with it. She stormed into my room one day and woke me up. She then began screaming at me " When are you going to get up and do something? Maybe you should try to do something useful and go jump of the Golden Gate Bride." She then left me alone to ponder what she had just said. I've been lacking motivation to do something and then out of nowhere my mother gives me motivation to go kill myself. This moment took me back to a time when I was 7 years old and I couldn't solve a math problem. My mother got very mad at me to the point where she told me to get out of her presence or else she would kill me. I had my first suicidal thought at 7 years old because I thought my mom hated me. Since then I thought about killing myself many times. But of course at 10 years old I just never had the guts to actually hang myself. Going back to the present moment, I feel like my life is going nowhere. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel disgusted. I hate everything that I am. I honestly hate that I have a warm bed to sleep in. I hate that I have food everyday to stuff my face with when there are kids in the world that would die for that piece of bread I threw away. If I could trade places with one of those kids I honestly would. I'm the one who deserves to be sleeping out in the cold without any fresh food or water. Killing myself just sounds like a way out of all this pain and guilt that I feel. But I'm scared of what is on the other side. Why go from one hell to an even worse one. I don't want heaven or hell I just want a place where I can be alone forever and ever. But I know it probably doesn't work like that. I know people will proabably tell me that my mother was just frustrated and she didn't actually mean what she said. But I feel like everything she said was the straight up truth. She has to worry about a whole bunch of other stuff why burdened her with my own shit. I've thought about dropping out of school and just going to live on my own working at some Mcdonalds somewhere, but that isn't exactly a direction I really want to go. I just don't know where to go. Im so lost in all of these emotions I'm feeling.
I don't know which post it is you wrote about the huge emotional rollercoaster : I don't know then if it's related
you seem to suffer from non-closure - you have been rejected and so maybe you have never had the occasion to "talk things out" so as to come to a conclusion
and so now you're hanging in there - in a world where things are not concluded : that's why suicide may seem to you as a way to "conclude"
but you know deep down as well as I that that is not a conclusion : it's just taking your unresolved stuff elsewhere
maybe all this is why you feel unworthy with no motivation to do anything - if now your mother comes and adds a layer to it - that is not going to help you now isn't it ?
if your mother speaks of "killing" that's maybe because she too needs to "kill" things inside her (find resolution - conclusion) that she manages to not - and then she transfers it onto you - for you to carry : if one is not aware of these tranferences - one can end up carrying a whole load of other people's unresolved issues
get back to you : where is it that YOU stand - regardless of anybody or anything else ? what is it that YOU want ? now - tomorrow - in one year ?
get clear on those things you can not actually do anything concrete about in a healthy, constructive way - and let them go - give up : not on your life but on those things you can not do anything about
I know - it's not always easy to let go because we feel "responsible" as in entangled - we have at that point identified with the issue to becoming the issue - which is not real : you are not your issues
so clean the slate in these still young days of 2016 and get on track with what it is you want to accomplish for yourself this year that will make you feel good about yourself and boost your self-esteem and self-respect
don't give up on your studies : they are many in the world who would love to be able to get a degree or something they can do something worthwhile with - not to make a career - not to fulfill the "American dream" - not to realize someone else's wishes but to be proud of yourself - happy and satisfied to live the life you live
start by making a list of those things you don't want anymore and those you do want - from there you get a blueprint on how to work it out : and one day after the other you realize something - even if only a small thing
I just joined this site because I'm going through my first rejection... I married my first girlfriend 10 years ago and she may end it very soon. I don't have much advice but I felt drawn to what you wrote. A friend of mine took his life last month. As sucky as our lives are here, it's still a miracle that we exist and draw breath. I remind myself of the wonder of life when I have similar thoughts.
And you needn't feel guilty about having such thoughts, or guilty about eating, or anything else. You are a human being, a singularly remarkable creature on this planet. Going to counseling might be great to work through the guilt and hatred you are feeling. I started counseling in December and it has been positive. I'm so sorry that your own mother is treating you this way. She seems like an unsafe person to be around. I wonder if there is a depression support group in your city that you might consider attending. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your feelings here.. may you soon be able to sleep easier friend.
A 2.6 is not THAT bad. Perhaps you know, deep down, that you could have done better.
Self-loathing is a downer and until you can learn how to deal with that, you are going to stay in neutral, really going nowhere. I encourage you to talk to a campus counselor or your Dr.
BTW - as most folks get older, their childhood becomes less important. You now know that your mother had her own issues and could not even deal with a child who needed her help. Understand her - and then let it go.