Frustrated and lost
ASIL - Jan 15 2016 at 03:35
I'm a 49 year old who female has been in a relationship with my fiancé for almost 11 years. We have lived together with my kids now ages 17 and 21 for 5 years. We have been engaged for 6 years. We are not intimate at all. We have never had sex and haven't touched each other intimately in years. I tried initiating things many, many times and there was always some excuse or he would just push me away. I finally just stopped trying. I got tired of being rejected. He keeps saying he's going to try to be more intimate but it never happens. We are like friends sharing a bed. If I were our cat or dog or his computer, phone or car I would get more attention. I feel like I am second to my pets and his toys. That all I am around for is cooking and cleaning. I work a 40 plus hour week and yet I do all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, getting up at 5 everyday to let the dog out. I have lost myself. At this point I don't know what to do. I love him. I want to be with him, but how much longer am I to be celibate and neglected?
He also has financial issues that have caused tension and it has been exacerbated by the fact that he lost his job this week.
I get home from work and all I want to do is sit on my bed or hide in the bathroom and cry.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Dear ASIL, really sorry to hear this. Sounds like you're doing a lot. I was wondering what would happen if you gradually start taking time for yourself to find ways to relax and enjoy. Life is too short and we need to look after ourselves. A lot of the time the change we want is already within us. Give it a go! You're worth it!!
That's not venting, ASIL. That's truth shoving itself in your face and out your mouth.
I'm sorry you're crying. And I'm glad you're crying.
"We are not intimate at all. We have never had sex and haven't touched each other intimately in years. I tried initiating things many, many times and there was always some excuse or he would just push me away. I finally just stopped trying."
Why did you finally stop trying, rather than, at whatever point of words having proven to be just hot air, stopping the relationship itself for its major 'incompatibility' issue?
"That all I am around for is cooking and cleaning."
Well done, gold star!
"I love him."
That's one element. The other is this: But WHAT do I love?
Your next question is this: So who *is* he having sex with?
Your next is: Who were you in love with before you met him?
And the answer to this question (statement), "but how much longer am I to be celibate and neglected?", is this: When you've had enough sh*t, and heed in-application the writing on the wall (, still).
Have you NOT yet? Answer: nearly.
What would you like to hear in order to be fast-tracked to your particular line in the sand?
You are a lady of a particular age and I would assume he is a man of a particular age... with age comes health issues. He could be suffering from erectile dysfunction or even low libido because testosterone levels drop with age. Think back to when you used to be intimate... did have have trouble getting or keeping an erection? If so erectile dysfunction may be the culprit for lack of sex. As women being turned away is confusing and hurtful when it happens.. just think back to when you last where having sex... what changed?