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Online Dating advice Hello, my name is Anthony and I'm a 16 year old Male. I have recently met this girl, we started talking on Facebook. (I'll call her "C" because I don't want to give out her personal details).

I started talking to this girl on Facebook, she's everything I've ever wanted: Smart, Beautiful, Friendly, Nice, and alot more. I have been to the point where I wanted to stop living before, however, I decided to not do anything stupid. When I met C she made my life so much better, we spoke everyday and for roughly 8+ hours a day. We were talking just like normal friends would, however, 3 weeks in I noticed she would call me "Honey, Babe", and send me Love hearts.

One day were were both feeling down so she asked me if I would like to talk about life, I agreed to it and told her everything that I had experienced in my life, after that we waited roughly 13 minutes. C then proceeded telling me about everything that she had experienced, I never expected it to happen but what she told me scarred me.

She told me that when she was younger, she was raped by her older brother. She then started cutting herself but didn't receive any help, no one knew about it, she bottled it up for 2 and a half years until people at her school started figuring that something was wrong, alot of the time she missed classes and the majority of the time when she attended she didn't pay any attention, her friends confronted her and asked if everything was alight, she responded saying "yes" because she didn't want anyone to know. They could sense that something was wrong and they told the school counsellor about what they had witnessed. When she went to the counsellor she confessed to everything and got professional help, the counsellor asked if she could tell her parents and C agreed.

Ever since she's told me I've been emotionally scarred, I couldn't imagine what she's been through and what she would've felt. I slept no more than 6 hours most nights and struggle doing most things I could've done beforehand.

We continued talking for another 6 weeks at least without any problems, nothing changed however, about a week later we stopped talking for some reason, and even when we did talk it was only for a few minutes, at most. I've tried to ask her why but I don't get very reliable responses. Some responses made me mad e.g. "I don't understand why you want to be my friend". She says she's over depression, but who could just get over something that horrific. It will stick with her for a long time and I want to be with her when she needs help most, I've told her this.

Can anyone please give me some advice? I would be very appreciative.

- Anthony

P.S - Sorry about any grammatical errors. I'm not very good when it comes to these sorts of things.

Online girlfriend

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Hi Anthony - it looks like you may have met someone who does the "come-here-go-away" thing - this might be due to not wanting or being afraid of emotional connection - as longs as you are online "friends" - everything's ok but as soon as it gets too personal and/or too "involved" - gone she is

besides - she did or does still harms herself : people who harm themselves generally do it because they feel so awful and can not for one reason or another "take it out" on another - as in saying what's on their mind and how they feel - discuss the topic and find a solution - that they turn it onto themselves in a self-destructive way

this is toxic behavior : you shouldn't jump into wanting to be her savior - it seems she has maybe used you as such when she wasn't feeling so good and now that she says she's over her depression she doesn't need you anymore : this is a relation based on need and making use of another - not advisable

there seem to be traits of excess and unbalancedness - being ok and then not - up & down - high & low : she will take you for a ride if you let her

the cutting off the relation so suddenly is also typical of a rejection she deals with internally - with feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth - that she projects on you because she has it internalized

if I were you I would stop this relation that doesn't seem very much representative of real friendship or love : this is going to hurt you (and it does already)

she has to deal with her hurt first and foremost and seek therapy or counseling : otherwise she will just hurt other people over and over again

and you must stop playing the savior : what is this need in you ? what does it account for ? does it make you feel more important - recognized - validated ? does it boost your self-esteem and if it does - why ? what are your "shadows" : the things you don't really own up to ? those things get played out in relations sooner or later when someone doesn't deal with it on his/her own and for him or herself : codependency and toxic emotionally enmeshed relations come out of that and they never last because the foundations aren't healthy

let her go - don't live the life of someone else but yours : you're young and the world is big :)

Online girlfriend

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Thank you for the response.

However, I just can't. Something just won't bring me to doing it, I'm too attached to her to just end it, even if she's just playing me. I'm going to speak to her this afternoon, I'll let you know how it goes if you're still interested.

Online girlfriend

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sure Anthony : let me know :)

Online girlfriend

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When I read about her being sexually abused, it reminded me of a condition I read about years ago, borderline personality disorder, which causes that. The trauma causes their egos to divide, with a small version of themselves on one side, and the trauma on the other side. Here below is what one website (National Health Association?), the first one when I typed in the name of the condition, said about the condition;

"Adults with borderline personality disorder are considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes."


Signs & Symptoms

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

Suicide and Self-harm

Self-injurious behavior includes suicide and suicide attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors, described below.

Unlike suicide attempts, self-harming behaviors do not stem from a desire to die. However, some self-harming behaviors may be life threatening. Self-harming behaviors linked with BPD include cutting, burning, hitting, head banging, hair pulling, and other harmful acts. People with BPD may self-harm to help regulate their emotions, to punish themselves, or to express their pain. They do not always see these behaviors as harmful.

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So, there is a lot of mention of the things you said about your friend, sexually abused, self harming, in this talk of borderline. I know there is a desire to help these people, I have that same feeling, but with these borderline people, you have to watch it. I'm not saying you can't help them, but you have to watch it.

They can be very nice, and draw you in, but on their other side, they can be a monster. You don't want to get married to them or have a child or buy a house, any legal or emotional dies can do you in. I should know, I married such a person, and it was a huge mistake, for both of us, and for the child, who will also pay for it.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3