Uncomfortable with fiance's behaviour and fixation on price of things
My fiance and I went to a cheap hot dog place yesterday. I found the place on the internet and they had $1 hot dogs every Tuesday so I suggested we check it out.
When we arrived, the place was busy and loud and there were no other tables around as they were all reserved and people who wanted to eat either had to stand around or just sit on a reserved table before the people who reserved comes in. He then starts commenting on the efficiency of things in the restaurant, e.g. they should make a long table instead of having scattered tables around the place. This would allow people to all sit. I said to him they wanted to have scattered tables to have more intimate settings.
My fiance was annoyed with the environment of the restaurant and its inefficiency and started be withdrawn..looking around and not really speaking to me or enjoying the moment. I looked around and saw other couples who were talking and laughing without caring about the logistics of the restaurant and the nuisance of having to stand and wait. We ordered the hot dogs and it turned out that we had to buy something on top of the 1 dollar hotdogs to get the deal and therefore bought the chips which cost $8. The waitress also said they can't do takeaway.
When he looks at people e.g. the waitress, it is very serious and I can feel they feel uncomfortable. I'm quite an intuitive person when it comes to other people's emotions.
We brought some bags and took the hot dogs with us. When we took the food out and started eating, he kept going on about how the advertising was misleading and how the $1 hot dogs were contingent upon buying another items which were mostly overpriced e.g. drinks cost $15 and small chips cost $8. This maybe true, however in the big picture of things, we spent $12 amongst two ppl ($6 each so its not a big deal or that expensive).
He went on about this for a while, talking about how expensive it was and that we were duped. He said it would be cheaper to make it at home as a comparison (not that we should make it at home).
The other day, we went to a fish and chips place and the fish and chips cost about $23 together for one person. He complained about how expensive it was, and how we can make it at home for cheaper. We tried it at home and he calculated the cost of all the materials e.g. fish, spice, sauce etc and it was about $5 to 6 per fish.
We have a mortgage however are making okay wages at the moment to cover it off, I make 97K and he 77k. I am an auditor and he is an IT support manager. If we put all our money in, which we mostly are, I think we can pay it off in like 5 years or under. We never go out and eat much, the above two examples are where we went twice in 1 year. Our total of going to restaurants is like 6 times this year (and not that fancy ones). We live with my parents to save money while renting out the apartment we have.
To me complaining about the price is okay, just once or twice but continuing harping on about it is quite annoying. He himself noted 'I'll stop bitching about prices now' after noticing himself going on about it.
I wouldn't say Im a spendthrift at all, Im a big saver too (Im Chinese but grew up in Australia). My fiance grew up in Ukraine and their family never had much money. However when I met with my fiance on dates in the beginning, he usually never harped on about cost of things and they were much more expensive than what we are spending now.
What do people think of this behaviour? Do you think it will get worse? Is this a red flag of something to come?
Is this behaviour personally to you annoying if you find someone close to you in your life is engaging in the above?
You are very observant, and it's interesting to read your account of anything. It's also better to read about your troubles than it is to think about mine.
The restaurant thing. I'd be hacked off too, if two $1 hotdogs cost $8. That's false advertising. I'd complain to the advertiser.
My wife and I went into a seafood restaurant and heard it might be high. What we did was, sat down at the table, looked at the menu, saw that it was outrageously high (we lived in another coastal town, and knew seafood wasn't that high), and we got up, and we walked out.
We should have asked for a menu at the front counter. But we did look at the menu first. Did you two look at the menu first?
When he complained about the layout of the restaurant, you commented, "I said to him they wanted to have scattered tables to have more intimate settings."
You added, "My fiance was annoyed with the environment of the restaurant and its inefficiency and started be withdrawn..looking around and not really speaking to me or enjoying the moment. I looked around and saw other couples who were talking and laughing without caring about the logistics of the restaurant and the nuisance of having to stand and wait."
One, it sounds like he's still a manager, even when he goes out to eat.
Two, it sounds like he ignores you, even, perhaps especially, when you have a good opinion, that opposes his, for you said he started, "looking around and not really speaking to me or enjoying the moment."
You said, "When he looks at people e.g. the waitress, it is very serious and I can feel they feel uncomfortable. I'm quite an intuitive person when it comes to other people's emotions."
I think you're complaining more about him than just the hotdogs. I'm observant, also, and that's what I observe about you. You should use this observation to decide what you want to do. I think you're wondering about if you should continue being with this guy. I am, also.
In some ways, I have no right to complain about this guy because I'm worse. I don't seek out social situations, but if I see someone on the street walking my dog, I can engage in conversation, and once started I can't seem to stop.
My dad was the same way; he had a good job, but no hobbies. I'm no job, all hobbies. Some jobs, but I had emotional problems. I was married to my avocation, my interests, my hobbies, not married to my wife, although I did make efforts, she did not like social, either, she was abused.
We occasionally went to restaurants, where I could engage in table talk, current events, opinions on things.
You said you go out to eat 6 times a year, one year went out twice that year. Who cooks when you two don't go out to restaurants? It's not him, right?
In addition, you put all your money into house payments, live with your parents.
I'm not a spendthrift either. You two are really saving money. But he is putting more into his house than he is into his marriage, emotionally and financially.
You are buying a house, but you're living with your parents. Where is the house? You say you are renting an apartment, is that the house? Is it a condo? You're buying a house, but you don't live in it. Do you have a car, but rent it out to somebody else to drive?
Living with your parents, is not good for you, or the parents.
If the house is in good shape but the marriage blows up from saving so much, was that a real gain?
What's going to happen when you get the house paid for and you're rich?
I don't think anything is going to happen. I think you two will just be miserable and rich. Especially you. He likes the money more than anything else, including his wife.
It's like you're holding out to get the house paid for, and then you two will be happy, but I don't think it's going to happen, and you don't either, that's why you're writing here, and I think you're correct to do so.
I was going to say, when he figures out that being single is cheaper, you're outa there. But then, you said you make 97k a year, and he makes 77k a year, so I don't he's going to let you go anywhere. You make too much money for him to let you go. At least you know why he married you. For your paycheck.
Except, you aren't married. Hello!!! A ray of hope. And you're it. Cancel everything. Thank your lucky stars you aren't married yet. And thank your lucky stars you don't have 4 children. You think you got it bad now, you don't have anything to complain about.
You're single. You have no children. Add your positive attitude and your intuition to that, you should be down on your knees in thanks, instead of worrying about $1 hotdogs. You're one of the luckiest people on the planet, and don't know it. Bail. Make sure he has a cheap lawyer, get yourself a good lawyer, and bail.