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What to do need help.

Posted by
MADMARS39
on Nov 30 2010 at 10:15
Member since: 30 November 2010
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Hello, you will have to excuse the spelling in not good with it.

My story starts about 13 months ago, i had come out of a reationship that was messy with my partner at the time cheeting on me, the fact that all my relationships have ended this way just made me really paranoid.

I met a lovely lady with 4 teenage kids who herself was going through a tuff time.

But i still thought I love her and would help out, at the same time i was being made redundant from my long term job and started having money problems.

Now she new this but still wanted me and together we helped out each other, her life were she lived was coming to an end and the selling of her home with her ex ( who used to beet her and the kids ) Now this was a messy time but together we survide found a new home for her and the kids payed for by her and a morgage. She asked me to move in permanatly so i did, took my life from where i lived and moved in. Now thats was working out fine, money was still a strugle but we coped.

Now dont get me wronge it was hard trying to ajust to living in a new place trying to find work and getting use to living with 4 teenaged kids from her first marrage. But I pulled out all the stops and did what i could for her and the kids.

Work came and went so money had its up's and downs but we managed.

About 5 weeks ago we went on a family holiday payed for by her dad and the first few days were great, everyone having fun and relaxing, but then it happened. It felt that i was pushed away by her and the kids, when ever we went to a pub i was always the one in the corner being ignored and having to listen about there storys about the last relationship and there dad and there holidays and when ever i said anything i was just ignored.

I felt really pee'd off, so went into a quite mode for which i paid for, my partner ignored me for the rest of the holiday and did not speek to me, i tried to talk but just hit a brick wall of silence. When i walked into a room the conversations stoped the whispering started and she just got up and went for a walk with her 18 year old son........

But the holiday came to an end and she told me she wanted me out of the home, so we got back and got my stuff and left not really knowing what had happened, we kept in touch and she came and talked to me, she was saying that she still loved me and wanted me but due to the money she could not have me in the house, this confused me as i have just spent 7 and a half months living like that but now all of a sudern its not good enough. I asked why she never said anything before and she said that its a feeling thats always been there but never said anything, I think differant, I think she had something else going on deep down but was just useing the money as an excuse.

But she still wanted me, so i came up with a workable plan and went back home with her. It was hard but i tried, but it was not the same and her temper just went through the roof in arguments and every time she kicked me out, over the next few weeks i was in and out 2 times, which i did in haste. due to her temper.

The last time i went back i nuckeled down and tried my hardest, it was so hard cause its not just her it was the kids they looked at me as if i was a piece of s!!t. But i still took care of things as best as possible cooking cleaning ect.

Then one day I was in bed and she was in the shower and my paranoia took hold and i looked at her phone, to my horra I found text from some man she new and they were all about sex and how he wanted to come over and spend the week with her in bed doing the bizz, to which she was repling that she wanted the same, lots of kisses and sexual talk over and over, i found about 8 of these text. I was in shock...

I said nothing and spent the day in thought, realiseing when she had sent them, she is always on facebook cating, you get the picture...

That night i talked to my folks and they were in shock too. Saying that if i was in trouble just to come home as to confront her and the way she got angry would result in another argument and possible harm to me..

So the next day when she was at work i packed my begs and left......

I left her a note about what i had found and the reason for going and that i still loved her but cant handle cheeting due to my past relationships......

I had a call that night, and she said she had done it on purpose to pee me off so i would leave, ( even though only 5 days before she rushed over to my home and pleaded for me to come home to her) . But over the next few days she added more stuff to the argument, even more about the money more about the text now saying that she loves the titervation and kick from texting sexual messages from men. This hurt me. But she dont get it.

This has now gone on for a few weeks now, with her saying that she loves me and wants me but does not want me in the home because of what has happened and that she wants a distance relationship, me here her there, but i struggle with that after what she has done. My trust in her has gone, and now she wants a relsionship where she could be over there doing whatever she like and i know nothing about it. IS THIS FAIR !!!!

But over the last few weeks when i have been trying to fix things she has just been going about her things, I have said to her on several occasions that I need to talk so i can get some form of plan together as to what i have to do with my life over her and she ignores me and goes shopping or says oh cant speek now going out for a drink with friends, IS THIS RIGHT !!! My life is slipping away waiting for her to sort something out, Its been 4 and a half weeks with no work cause i dont know to get it her or there !!!! But she just wants to do her own thing but keep me on a piece of string for when she wants to talk IS THIS RIGHT!!!

There have been times when she says I will talk to you today, only for me to sit and wait for hours with no contact so when i start to phone up and she dont pick up i phoned the home and spoke to her 18 year old who told me she was out and that its none of my business and that im a stupid fool and well the rest i wont put up here as its very rude, this conversation with the son made me think what she up too is she with a man ?????

Ive talked to her since and she said she went out with a couple to a party, did she, is she being truthfull, has she slept with someone ??? When ever i ask her she says not and then gets angry, WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU...

All in all im totally screwed up and dont know what to do, I still love he and she still says she loves me, but its just as if she not bothering to try and just having fun, maybe even cheeting on me whilst im sat here waiting, now she is 43 and 4 kids, yes of coures you should still have fun in your life but at the expence of the one your ament to be in love with !!!!!!!! AM I WRONG, WHAT TO DO??????

Need help need advice, am i going totally mad, am i out of order is this all my fault ?????

Reply from
TILES
on Dec 1 2010 at 00:38
Member since: 22 July 2010
Maybe you are attracted to a certain type of lady and that may be why your relationships end in the same way. I don't know your relationship history, so this is just speculation. The woman you are talking about is no longer interested in you. It is not right at all how she treats you, and for that reason you should just leave her alone, whether she wants to work something out with you or not. She does not care how you feel, and she has made that clear through her actions. She knows what she is doing and at this point it looks like she is using you. It is very likely that she has slept with someone else, in fact it is even more likely that she has slept with other men. I'm not saying this to be insulting toward her, I just want you to think about what she might be doing and how her actions say a lot. I don't want you to waste more time being mad at her because she doesn't deserve your time. So, my advice would be to go on with your life and not worry about what she is doing. The way she is acting is not your fault, you can only be responsible for your actions. Her actions are her own, so when she insults you, that's what she really feels about you. Her children's opinions of you come from how she treats you and what she is doing that you may or may not know about. At one time, everything was okay between you two, but now it's not, and you don't need her in your life. Don't go insane over someone who treats you like garbage. RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: As I indicated in the beginning, maybe you like to be involved with a certain type of woman. Look at your relationship choices in the past. The women you have been involved with may all have something in common as far as personality, or similar events might have occurred during the relationships (for instance, everything goes fine, and then they start treating you badly for some reason). For every relationship you have had, if you can say that you did everything you could to make them work, then just think of them as learning experiences and have hope that you will have better luck next time. I wish you much luck, and if you want to, you can let me know if I have been helpful. TILES
Reply from
MADMARS39
on Dec 1 2010 at 12:53
Member since: 30 November 2010
Hello Tiles.

Thank you so much for your words.

I do really feel at the end of my tether, and just dont think i can go on any more.

Its just to hard and I am trying but every time I take step forward It feels like im pushed two steps back....

Like last night i managed to get hold of her after many emails sent, and i asked about stuff and the responce was so so.

I said if she was to ask me if i still wanted to be with her I would not take a second to reply YES, i know deep down some work needs to be done with the problems that are there ( like my lack of money and pending bankrupcy ) but I can say yes I dont want to lose her. When I asked her the question she just pawsed and said yeeer in a (( well if i have to )) sort of voice, I said that if she does not want me any more then just to tell me and I would walk away and never darken her doorstep ever aagin, but she said that she does not want that....

Im being pushed and pulled and I cant do it any more.....

Last night I asked her about the party she went to and she told me some of the things that were there and what it was like......

After we finished our conversation i went on facebook her wall and found out that the party is not till this coming weekend !!!!

I thought the worst and sent her a email, saying whats this i dont understand can you please explain, ????

To wich this morning I found out that i have now been taken off her friends list, so i tried to call and she ignored the calls, she then sent me an email saying that she did go but did not know the host had cancilled it due to his girlfriend running out on him, but my partner did not know this and still went with " her friends " and spent the night talking to him with a bunch of other people....

So so basically said I was wrong again and I have been removed from her facebook page because she does not want me tralling through her frinds......

What can i make of this, she says that if i looked on the host facebook i would see the party was cancilled last min, but im not friends with him,,,

Why did she say about the things at the party when that was not the case,

she swore on her kids lives that she was not out with a man that night but she fibed to me about what happened that night, she could of told me but she chose not to, what does that say to you ,,,,

She seems so gutted for what the host is going through and rushes to her friends aid (the host of the party ) ( a ritch man ) but when i try and explain Im hurting and a brinks end she just fobbs me off and tells me its all my fault and because i have no money and going bankrupt that we are were we are, but then she says she loves me and dont want to lose me....

I have tried to explain my plan for getting out of this, i have made some progress in the work front and trying to sort out this bankrupcy ( which i think is bringing me right down ) but she still insist on giving me more pain and treating me like a lepper, christ sake she's going out tomorrow to go and have tea with the host to consoll him but me I have not seen her in 2 weeks and I cant even talked to her without her kicking me into touch...

I really cant do this any more and just want out now.......

She has made my life over the last few weeks hell, i know what your saying but i still love her and cant see a future witout her, i now she is taking the pee out of me but, dont know how to cope anymore......

Thanks for your words of advice , the only true words i have heard over the last few weeks, Thank you .

Reply from
TILES
on Dec 3 2010 at 01:32
Member since: 22 July 2010
I know this is very painful. I know you love her very much. But money problems are not an excuse to act the way she is acting. Things are the way they are. She needs to decide, either you guys need some space from each other or you don't. But she does not control your life, so if she does not make a decision, you need to make one for yourself. Tell her what you decide and stick with it. For instance, you can tell her you can't take how she is acting and when she finds out what she wants, she can let you know, until then you two can be apart. Or, you can say that there is no "maybe" in your relationship, so she needs to mean what she says. You know how she is treating you, and at this point you need to do what is best for you. She has already indicated that she wants a more distanced relationship, and she is already doing what she wants to do without any concern for your feelings. I mean, she is just trying to be sneaky about it so she won't have to hear anything from you. If you don't want to live like this anymore, you need to separate yourself from her, or at least consider taking some time (away from her) to figure out what you want to do. You should continue making plans and acting on them so that you can make life better, because if you are trying and you make progress, that is what matters. You are actually trying to do something about your monetary issues (which is great!), while she is trying to run away from them (but she is not the only one who is having difficulties, you are too). TILES

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