A growing problem with my wife
this is my first post but I am looking some genuine advice. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and consider ourselves quite content and happy. Our sex life has been just ok with sex happening every 3-8 weeks depending on work, children, etc. She is often not wishing to have sex which is fine as I respect she doesn't have to "perform" for me. When we do have sex she mostly always orgasms (she doesn't fake it and tells me to stop if it is not going to happen). I also work hard to satisfy her and put her orgasm before mine, so I am not making sex a martial chore but something enjoyable for her (sex is also done to meet her preferences, time (mornings), the way it is done (things she likes), etc etc).
This was all fine until about 6 months ago. I started to get woken up in the middle of the night with the bed gently shaking and I soon worked out she was masturbating discreetly while I slept. She has done this a few times since we wed and I guessed if she needs an orgasm she needs it. She told me when we first dated that she masturbated alot as a teenager but didn't really do it now we were married.
However, this noctural activity has been rapidly increasing from a few times a year to nearly every night. This week alone she has woken me up 5 times (up from once a week a few months ago), and this is only what she does at night, she may be doing it during the day too.
I always pretend not to have woken and if I move at all she stops and pretends to be asleep. I take it from this that one of two things is happening, she has been masturbating loads over the years and just hid it well (but still isn't into a lot of sex), or something has changed (she is becoming menopausal over this last while although I read that reduces libido) and her sex drive has gone way up however she still isn't into sex (I would expect our sex life to maybe get more frequent not increasingly worse).
I am pretty sure she is not having an affair (she really isn't the type and I have seen no evidence), I believe she loves me and our family although whether she is still attracted to me I am not sure. I also know the best thing to do is talk to her about it but she would just get very embarrassed, perhaps deny it, avoids for days, and then continue doing it more subtly.
I feel hurt, rejected, unattractive and feel I have perhaps been lied to all these years. I don't get enough intimacy with her at the moment and she seems to prefer her our satisfaction than with me which really hurts.
Any advice is welcome as I feel myself really detaching emotionally and fear we could end up drifting apart permanently.
Hi Gav - does she use sex toys when masturbating ? because sometimes those things work so darn well that a woman may prefer the toy to actual fingers and penis - and develop some addiction to it : speaking of which - one can also get addicted to sex - and masturbation
that said - do you know if she masturbates basically the "bud" of the clitoris or does she also stimulate the vulva & vagina ? - does she like it when you penetrate her ? when having sex - do you pay more attention to stimulating the tip of the clitoris with your fingers then penetrating with your penis ? I ask those questions wondering whether she actually likes penetration
next time she masturbates with you sleeping next to her in the bed - why not propose to participate in any way ? this would make the whole thing no longer "secret" (which can also be a turn-on psychologically : find out if she likes doing "secret" stuff)
do talk about it with her : the longer you keep it all to yourself - the more you will feel bad about the whole thing - and yourself
and no - in my experience menopause does not reduce libido - it can maybe lessen the "wetness" but any lube will easily compensate - a woman of a certain age can even have a better sex life because she knows herself so much better - and you seem to be a fine partner
so please do "take the bull by the horns" and talk to her to find out what's going on : tell her your relation is (I hope) based on honesty and trust - and so you want a real and open discussion - to see what can be done to make everybody happy
She doesnt use any sex toys of any kind. She does masturbate the clitoris, this is what i do too when having sex, infact our sex is mostly mutual masturbation and oral sex. I dont mind her masturbating occasionally and dont mind her doing it in bed, but the frequency is concerning me and that fact that it is killing what basic sex life we had and making me feel upset and angry is really getting to me. I don't think i could 'offer to join in' as she would pretend to be asleep and then go even more secretive.
I may need to address it head on in the near future but i really would prefer not to as it may fix things superficially but make things worse overall. I know it is difficult to offer advice but i am out of my depth on this one.
Hello as a newlywed woman I have sometimes thought about this happening as well. Sometimes woman may become Asexual. She still loves you, if she didn't she would be out having sex with another man. It may be her hormones as for the frequency of the masturbation, just be open and talk to her about it
Yes, it could be anything. But I want more data.
So, Gavin-Gavin, she wants to play by herself and *not* with you, which has remained the case, increasingly, for 6 long months, now having reached a peak. The question is, why.
[a] Unbeknownst to you, she's recently gone and got HRT from her GP. Her libido's correspondingly shot up with all that extra oestrogen, etc., but her menopausal-induced exhaustion hasn't yet eased off, meaning, a fairly short, effort-free self-service is easier than the (reading between the lines) huge production (tick!) you like it to be. Marathon session versus quickie - no contest for someone who needs 7-8hrs sleep instead of 6 or less. The masturbation might even be her do-it-yourself version of Nitol, in that it helps her blot out her stress enough to drop off to sleep more rapidly?
Has she genuinely got too much on her plate, especially now that her energy levels have lowered and what scarcity starts out available gets depleted by the time it's bedtime?
(Have you read up on all the effects of menopause and of hormone replacement therapy?)
[b] You've somehow drip-drip p*ssed her off (outside of the bedroom), the drips of resentment now having amassed into a fairly significant bucketful. Not enough to completely block libido or the need to counter 'ovary ache' (if she suffers it...which is likely if she's been put on HRT) but certainly enough to demotivate her against wanting to 'share' what in that marital context is a love-affirming and -reinforcing/regenerating act.
[c] Whatever percentage of both?
[d] She's having an affair IN HER HEAD (which fantasy films run after lights out)? A "one that got away"? Hence finding herself turned on every night? If so, then how could it be that he's able to compete with you in her mind, where before he couldn't? Have you reached a point where you've hit a critical quantum of having relaxed off that bit too far, in terms of still continuing to woo her, as well in all the rooms of the house *other* than the bedroom, so to speak?
What I find interesting is the fact that she's above-average honest and courageous enough to give you true feedback without worrying about denting your ego when it comes to the 'ins and outs', and yet, suddenly she's the distinct opposite when it comes to making the admission of self-servicing...to the point of abject denial (pretending to be asleep the minute she feels you stir).
Guilty conscience. But she might be the type that's a sucker for guilt, ergo whatever her reason(s) for feeling guilty wouldn't be ones that would bother you, were you her?
How the hell are you meant to be able to get to the bottom of this if neither of you is behaving or talking like would a fully-cooperative TEAM, and instead like completely separate entities with 'own business' to suit? You're going to have to just come out with it, what you know to be a fact, and refuse to entertain or even engage any denial attempts (in which case, pre-emptively take a matter-of-fact - or that come amused/playful - approach). And then take it from there. But, personally I can't relate to being in that situation and not calling out, most probably in a sing-songy voice, knowing me, 'Weee knoww what ye'r doo-innnng!'. I mean, how can you claim to be married to someone, with all the high-level intimacy that conveys, and feel AWKWARD about asking, 'Why are you resorting to self-servicing when it's completely unnecessary and avoidable?' or GET EMBARRASSED if you're the one being 'confronted' about it? What's THAT all about? Is that a measure of how far you and missus have managed to wander to far free of each other over the last however many years?
So doesn't that suggest that there's a much deeper issue afoot, with this self-servicing just one of its many symptoms, but where this one bothers you in particular (due to your being, I suspect, what I call a 'heart lives in his knickers' merchant)?
What are the other symptoms? What other changes in patterns of hers have you noticed?
Hi soulmate, thanks for your reply. I am certain shes not on hrt, she wouldnt hide that. The drip-drip is true and i am guilty of pssing her off in lots of little things (she is highly strung and has high standards) although part of this is differing opinions on how to spend money, how quickly dishes need washed, etc, but this is a fair point i will address.
I suspect the affair in her head is very possibly true, she wouldnt cheat on me physically but im sure she has a fantasy world like most of us.
She is really shy about masturbation and the like as her mom is strict religious and brought her up that it is dirty (although she used to masturbate daily at home in the bathroom).
I havent noticed any other changes in her, she is pretty much the same as she has been for years. I dont know if she has been doing this for all our married life and i am only starting to realise it, or if there has been an increase in frequency of masturbation.
I think that if i raise the subject then she will stop doing it in bed but do it just as often (or more) elsewhere and we will still have the same lack of intimacy. It does annoy me that someone else in her head may be getting the affectionate energy that we should be sharing, i want her to desire to do it with me but dont want her to do it out of martial duty.
How do you know for a fact she wouldn't hide it? What if she didn't want an outward symbol of her having begun her entry into 'granny' territory because, say, of already feeling un-wooing-worthy, lately?
She has high standards? You mean, female standards. Is she genuinely highly-strung or only whenever her standards are for too long getting ignored or ridden roughshod? That would make anyone highly-strung, don't you imagine?
She ain't so shy about/brainwashed against masturbation that she STILL does it behind the locked bathroom door, now, is she. Actions! So REALLY, she's only HALF-hiding it (think about it). Does she want you to cotton on but without anything having to be brought above-table, vocalisations-wise? Is she using s*x as a weapon or prodding stick?
You've got two choices:
1. You can start behaving towards her like you did back when she chose/accepted you (easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy), because, that IS, in fact, the 'advertisement' based on which she 'bought' (and purred), right?
2. Or you can write her a letter, to avoid the Red faces, telling her that you know something's wrong because you've got the evidence to prove it, and that you'd appreciate a conversation, either alone or together in front of a counsellor.
3. Do nothing and wait for things to [scuse pun] come to a much less-easily dealt-with head.
[Dan-dan-DAAAN!...] Which do you choose?
Met my girlfriend 9 months ago, sex was awesome on a regular basis. Rite about 3 month ago(when i got hurt at work amd found out she "gets off on talking to men on craigslist" sending's pics and so on, that's stopped...) she stopped having sex with me and only masterbaitig when I left the room and house shortly or fell asleep. It's somewhat of a problem for me because like you said(ifell hurt, rejected, unattractive and feel I have perhaps been lied to all these years. I don't get enough intimacy with her at the moment and she seems to prefer her own satisfaction than with me which really hurts.) I've tried to talk to her and tell her how I feel she jist says I'm a drama queen and want sex, its been month fyi, I feel as if I almost need it somewhere else if she won't give it to me. Like I love the women she makes my day. But sex is important in a relationship rite????
NONEGUEST, would you like to start a thread of your own so that you can get advice and feedback about this?