Should i take a break from this relationship?

Posted by
AKINOR14
on Jan 23 2016 at 20:43
Member since: 23 January 2016
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Hello,

I am 24 years old, my partner is a lot older (41). We have an 18 month old son together. We have been together for almost 4 years and the baby was planned and very, very much wanted.

I know, the age difference will be what most of you will see first, but trust me, in this case it is really not an issue as you will see.

I am a very driven person: I want to advance my career, I want to get a better house, a better job, earn more money, save more money so we can afford a better lifestyle.

My partner, however, is not. He does not want to advance, he says he is comfortable the way he is and just wants me happy and his family.

I lay down *all* the rules in the house (which makes me the bad guy with the kid, obviously):

Reply from
AKINOR14
on Jan 23 2016 at 20:56
Member since: 23 January 2016
Hi, Not sure what happened with the rest of this post, but here's the rest of it again.

I lay down *all* the rules in the house (which makes me the bad guy with the kid, obviously):

"Brush your teeth", "No, no chocolate before dinner", "You can't have that toy", "Bedtime now". NOTHING like that ever comes from him. He will paly with our child, and is a great dad otherwise, but I make all the rules.

And I make all the decisions. I have been trying to get him to save more money since we got serious, but I am the ONLY one who has a financial mindset. It is LITERALLY impossible to get the man to talk or think about money (r even the future in general). All I get out of him is:"I'd love a holiday this year" (yeah, great, with a toddler on a beach: yay...)

I am the only one trying to pull this relationship anywhere.

When I talk to him about the fact that I am unhappy with where we live now, he agrees with me and says he will try to help us get out of this apartment, but actions never follow. We live in a lovely apartment, but I would love to raise our child in a house with a garden. We live in a VERY high cost area, but he puts his foot down and absolutely, 100% will NOT (ever - absolutely never, ever, ever) move out of a 2 mile radius from where we are living now, which is an area where we can't afford to pay for a house. Well, we could... if he did not spend around 300 dollars a month on cigarettes. I never minded him smoking (he does not do it in the house or around our kid), and I never said anything. He's an adult, I'm not his mom. I did not feel like I needed to baby him and tell him to quit smoking. But now, with our child needing more space I think its not fair that he spends that much on unnecessary cigarettes.

I would love to move further out of town, to a cheaper area where we can afford a bigger place.But he is not having any of it.

About a month ago (before Christmas), I had reached my absolute breaking point, and we ha a long conversation, where I told him how I felt:

That I was the only one trying to make a better future (to which he said he was so happy with his life and he wanted me happy as well and he will try)

That I was sick and tired of pulling all the weight alone (all the decision making and planning) to which he said he understood and he will try better.

That I was sick of having to bring up finances all.the.time but that I had been telling him for 3 years to please start saving more, but that I was the only one ever saving anything (he earns a lot more than me). To this, he said that he will quit smoking after the new year. He promised.

I then gave him (kind of) an ultimatum. I said: In six months, I will be moving to a house. You can either come with me and we can live closer to this area, or I will be living in a house outside of town. You can come with me, if you want, but I will be living in a house in six months.

Since then, nothing has changed.

He used to help me out financially with the groceries or ad-hoc expenses but has not done so this month. He is still smoking just as much. And yesterday, when he could see that I was getting irritated again, and started to say to him "I just feel like I'm the only one pulling ..." He said that we had this conversation 2 weeks ago (it's been a month), and what did I expect, he can't change everything so fast.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have 2 kids, and one of them is 17 years older than me!!!

He was married before and they had a house, so he's done that bit, maybe he's just not keen on living in a house with a woman anymore? (if that's the case then what the hell). He won't marry me, either. I had hoped he would when we were planning to have our child - nope. Then I had hoped he would propose when we actually had our son - nope. Then I hoped he would after our son turned 1 - nope. When I bring it up, he says he needs time and that he'll marry me when I'm 28. (pretty sure that was meant to be a joke... but still).

I don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

Reply from
XO:)
on Jan 25 2016 at 01:47
Member since: 25 January 2016
I think its time for you to leave the relationship... To me it seems like you are the one doing all the work and it doesn't look like he's trying to change at all... Go ahead start a new life!!! Don't be afraid and it's a good thing that you didn't get married... Everything would have ben a whole lot harder:) good luck!
Reply from
SKINNYGIRL
on Jan 29 2016 at 09:34
Member since: 06 July 2015
You've been duped, Fooled you once Shame on him, Fooled you TEN TIMES SHAME ON YOU!

I would stick to your ultimatum and plan to leave with your child only. This man is not and will not be offering you any future. As the saying goes "YOU CAN DO BAD ALL BY YOURSELF". There is no future with this man so plan your exit. All he does is "promise to do nothing" so wise up and stop pretending that anything will change. Learn from this relationship "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN EMPTY PROMISES aka:(WORDS.)"

You need seek legal advice regarding support for you and your child. You can and will do better..

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?