It's hard to let go
Hi everyone , I wanted to come on here to talk a out my feelings cause im tired of dragging it out on my family and friends. Here it goes....
I was in a relationship for about 2 years but during the second year it got a little rough. I met my boyfrien on a online dating site, typically I dont use those but when I was single and didnt have much dating experience I thought I'd give it a try. So the guy I met, we both fell in love and it was so amazing like ive never been treated so good the way he did. But on the first date I had explained everything to him telling him to always be honest with me and direct with me, cause thats how I am. No bullshit straight forward. I also told him i had male friends and they are like family and i want him to be a part of my friends lives too! He said okay! So everything was great until i started noiticing things like he told me he smoked pot i was totally okay witth it at first im like whatever... We couldnt leave the house without him being high, he always had to have it and asked me for money to get it or drive him to get it. If he didnt have it , he would be throwing up all the time or if he would eat , he would throw it up constantly. So that started bothering me and then he would say im gonna quit i promise. Well he didnt have a job and begged me to help him, so i did. I got him a job with my company that i work for but at a different store. It wasnt much but its a job and money in his pocket. Then his insercurites started to kick in. Always accused me of sleeping with my friends and that bothered me, cause i would never do such a thing! So i started to to back off like not be around much or call etc... He pushed me away. Then we patch things up things were fine and the pot and his lying about it started to kick in again , i know pot isnt a big thing to some ppl or a big deal but it was too me. If he didnt have money for it he came to me cause he was embarrassed to ask his mom for money when she had already helped him quite a bit. So i backed off again this time for like three months , i just told him i didnt know what i wanted but we still saw each other and talked etc. told
Me he loves me and wants to be with me. So the last few weeks have really rough cause i do love him and i guess me pushing him away made him go back online to find another girl , he says her name is one thing and then its another , then he said he loves me and wants me but he cant... Then he came out and said shes two weeks pregnant, wtf! You barely know someone and you go and do that! I kept telling him that i wanted to fix us before he told me she was pregnant , he said he needed time to think and that he told me he loved me before they made it official supposedly. We been fightig on the phone i told him i hate him and he use tell me 50 years cause thats how long he wanted us to be together, i told him he was a liar and a piece of crap cant get his story straight! Its totally breaking my heart that we are this way. Everyone that i have talked too has said maybe he is testing you to see if you would fight for him like he wants you too. They think that this isnt over hes gonna call and tell me its a lie i love you take me back i just did it to hurt you knowing his track record. Im tired feeling like this. I just wanted him to cut out his bullshit thats all! Just the insercurties that he had , i admit that it was my fault for not paying attention to him like should have but some of his shit that he did wore me out! I still love him and now hes with someone and knocked up someone he barely knows!
This guy was never going to be the true deal for you while his drug addiction controlled him. Throw in his somewhat abysmal attitude towards life in general and you have nothing but a walking disaster who you love. There is no way for a relationship to survive when there's an addiction in the middle of it.
It's not your problem if you pushed him (and you most certainly didn't) to go elsewhere, rather, your problem was that you kept on fighting for a lost cause, which continues to make you miserable and unhappy, when you should have cut your losses long ago, solely on the basis that he is an addict. You helped him in more ways than one but he paid you back by dragging you down to his level with his insecurities.
His recent actions with someone else with damning results for all involved really rams it home just what sort of a immature and selfish individual he is. You're better off away from him and you should be taking steps to ensure that this happens. Spare a thought for the other girl and her baby as well because this guy in not going to change for anyone unless he takes positive steps to clean himself up. The effort will have to be his and his alone.
Fight for him?...why bother. Get on with your life and find someone who will put you on a pedestal and who has respect for themselves and therefore for YOU.
But why does it hurt soo much?? Like i should be happy that its done. It makes me feel like an asshole that i should have fought and paid attention to him, i feel like its my fault. Also another reason too that i didnt like the pot was because i wanna go into crimminal justice and i didnt want to get into trouble with any of that. I told him to do it not around me i dont want no part of it, and all he does is say that i dont fight for him or i dont have his back or i just wanna change him. I just wanted him to stop his bullshit and grow up! I would be there to help him do that. We also were pregnant once but lost it due to my health condition, that broke my heart deeply. Like not hearing from him or our huge talks about baseball cause we are big baseball fans and i could talk to him about anything. we got along its just gone! My parents didnt really like him cause of all the crap he was doing and i barely let him come over cause of it. That was another argument as well. And yes i do deserve someone that will put me on a pedestal and respect me, but its hard to just walk away cause i still do care and love him very much. Its hard to let go!
He also had said that he still wants to be friends and i told him i cannot do that it would hurt too much! He said he wants something to hold onto.... What does that mean?
Yes, you may of been basically trying to talk sense into him when he accused you of not having his back etc. In a some ways, he's right but then you would have to share his values and standards to have his back. It's obvious by your posts that you're not at all like him and his addiction is one thing that you really don't need, regardless of what your career aspirations are.
You're hurting because you love him but it's near impossible to be with him when he's with someone else but that's his choice. Again, his choice and his actions and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you not supporting him. He's managed to make you feel guilty when he knows he's in the wrong.
Yes, it's hard to walk away but the longer you do it, the better off you will be and eventually time will heal you. If he wants something to hold onto, then he has his memories of what could have been. Rest assured, there's people experiencing exactly what you are going through now everywhere and there's people who have fought tooth and nail for their addict partner only to realize at the very end that it's useless unless their partner helps themselves first.
Ask yourself where this guy helped himself or even attempted to help himself so he could be with you.