Am I in the wrong for being mad at my best friend?
Couple months ago I was assaulted and raped by two strangers. I have anxiety and panic attacks, flashbacks,thoughts of suicide, and started cutting myself( I am not going to kill myself i just simply don't want to be here). I have told her this and anytime I try to talk to her about any of it she immediately changes topics. A couple weeks after I was assaulted I would try and call her several times to talk (she lived 3 hours away) She would talk about a guy she met and how she liked him. Eventually her and the guy started dating and that was all she talked about the few times we talked which was only when I texted or called first. I never got to talk to her about what I wanted to.
Fast forward to winter break and she brings her boyfriend home with her and during the 4 weeks she was home I saw her 4 times. Every time she had her boyfriend with her and I still never got to talk to her. When we both went back to college I texted her and told her that basically I was breaking down and I needed to talk to her and that I thought she would have known that. I was the type of person though that never cried to my friends or anything I was the one everyone came to whenever they had problems. I used to be the strong independent friend and it hurts me to ask her for help or anyone for help and makes me feel weak and helpless even more so. She said she was sorry and kept apologizing. We talked for about a week but nothing serious and then she stopped talking again.
She came home last weekend and was acting strange I'm sure I was not the usual friendly way I used to be with her but I just felt like she did not care. I asked her after she left what was wrong over text. She said she just had this feeling that I was mad at her. I responded saying she wasn't wrong. She didn't respond so I sent another text asking if she was just going to ignore me again or if she just didn't care. I haven't heard from her since.
As a side note I did try therapy I could only afford to go about a month and a half and it wasn't helping. Also my other best friend did the same thing. When they found out what happened they both stopped talking to me and I had no one to talk to.
Well first off i want to say im so sorry for what u had to go through, nobody should have to be victimized as you were. But i believe that being mad at her isnt the best thing to do. She might not know how to handle what you are telling her. The situation might be out of her comfort zone. But at the same time if she was the friend she says she is, no matter what the situation, she would try a liitle harder to be there for you, check out some websites maybe you can find someone to talk to that can relate to you and wht u have gone through
I had basically a nervous breakdown (psychotic episode) in class reading my 11th year in high school. I was sitting right beside my girlfriend and also my best male friend when it happened, and both of them dropped me like a rock. I became untouchable. I felt like the worst person in the world.
Frist because of the breakdown, then because my girlfriend and best male friend couldn't get away from me faster. All I wanted to to was talk about my problems. My girlfriend dropping me especially hurt because she was the "nicest girl in the world," but yet didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
I kept dating her for a year because I didn't want to feel like "damaged goods,' for my pride, even though she didn't want to date me anymore after that incident.
I know the feeling. I'm manic depressive, and when I'm depressed, all I want to talk about are my problems. When I'm manic, I'm the funniest, most entertaining guy you've ever seen. My dad used to say, probably when I told him a sad story and was in a depressed cycle, "Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone."
I was thinking about that recently, probably when I was in a depressed cycle, and was thinking, "No one wants to hear my sad stories? Does that make me a bad person?"
I don't know what to suggest, for I'm in the same boat, half the time. You might want to try group thereapy. You'll find some people in there that have difficult problems, also. You can check in the computer yellow pages in your hometown for group counseling sessions under psychotherapy, or something like that. You might have to try 2 or 3 different groups before you find one you like.
For a few years, I went to al-anon group meetings, and I found some good ones. They are for spouses, relatives, friends of alcoholics. You don't have to have a spouse who is an alcoholic, just someone you know. They also have that for spouses and friends of narcotic abusers, I can't think of the name of it.
But you might try calling some of those numbers in the computer or phone book yellow pages, to see if some of those people know of therapy groups.
But I know what it's like to have a traumatic event, and none of your close, good friends want to hear about. It's not like they've had crisis training, or anything like that, their just good friends, and so they really don't know how to respond. You might have to find new friends who've had some trauma they can relate to.
Eight years after my crisis, I saw my former good friend from high school who was in the class where I had the traumatic event, and he was standing about 8 feet away with his girl friend, and didn't even come over and introduce his girlfriend to me. I understood, for I didn't want to talk to him under those conditions, trying to put on an act for his girlfriend.
I was still a basket case, and didn't really want to be thrown into that. It was sad in a way, but in another way, I was a different person, and my new best friend at about 26 also, was a guy who had as many problems as I did, and we got along great.
So, you might have to form a new circle of friends. It's comforting to know someone you can commensurate with who has known some trouble in their lives, and aren't always upbeat. After trauma, you become a different person and so you have to get different friends. And just as you and I might not pass the test of being an always upbeat person, they don't pass the test of being able to help someone who is down.
We have to move on from what we were. But because four difficulties, we become better people and can help others who are having problems, by being able to say to them, "Guess what happened to me one time?"
I just posted above, but I kinda wasn't thinking of the part of what caused the difficulties, I was look at the friends part of it, but as far as the difficulty, some things that have helped me:
1. I read a column 15 years ago on the importance of being positive before going into a problem, and it helped me tremendously. I didn't know it, but unconsciously I was negative and when going into a problem I was unconsciously trying to find a way I could not solve it. And since it was in my unconscious, I didn't see it. I didn't know I was tripping myself up.
What would happen, was, my conscious, which wanted to solve the problem, would think of a good solution to the problem. My unconscious, which didn't want to solve the problem, would come up a reason why the good solution wouldn't work. Except, it would have worked, if my uncon. hadn't knocked it down.
So, after reading the col., I would say to myself prior to going into a problem, "Think positive, think positive, think positive," trying to knock out any neg. in my uncon. It worked, and I'm able to solve a lot more problems now.
Also, I came onto this board because I had a big problem. I'm still on it because I'm trying to see if I can help other people with their problems. What has happened here. The flow of energy is going the other way.
I was going inward thinking and worrying about my problems. Now, I am going outwards and trying to help other people with their problems. The flow of energy has reversed. It's the same amount of energy, it's just changed directions, and it's changed my attitude from, "I'm the lowest form of humanity," to, "I'm a boon to society."
Do you see how my self-concept has changed from "I'm a failure," to "I'm a success"? And I didn't move an inch, I just changed my mental attitude. And the way I did that was, I saw someone who I felt I could help, and so I stooped down and helped them, and in the process, built myself up.
If you could volunteer at a school or library or senior citizen home or hospital, to help people who are having trouble, you might could do what $10,000 of psycho therapy couldn't, improve your situation. What you're doing is reversing the flow of energy, from outside in to your problems, to inside out towards somebody else's problem.
You get in a hospital with kids, you're going to forget pretty quick any problems you thought you had. Teaching a kid to read, and he starts telling you about his home life, any problem you had a year ago will dissipate, as your heart goes out to him, as a mother does when her child falls down; her problems just go away.
I'm talking about volunteering, you may have a job, I don't know. Maybe a rape crisis center, maybe a safe home, maybe group therapy for abused women, where you could be both client and helper.
In a group meeting I was in onetime (al-anon), when it came my turn to talk, I listed my troubles in a sad voice for about a minute or two, like there was no hope. When I finished, this woman who was sitting patiently beside me looked up at me and said, "Oh, you were having a pity party. We've all done that."
I realized she was mocking me a little for all the time I was spending feeling sorry for myself. She was mocking and she was also helping. She wasn't mean, but she was getting her point across.
I don't know who she was. I don't know if she was an angel or what. But I know I was the champion at self-pity. I also know that even though that's been 20 years or more, I have never felt sorry for myself again. Every time I try to start a pity party, I hear that woman's voice, and I see her face a foot from mine, and it doesn't work. I can't feel sorry for myself any more. Mocking woman won't let me.
Your friend is not a professional therapist or counselor. Please don't depend on her to comfort you - or even listen to you now. It seems she cannot give you what your really need at this most difficult times.
Go to a free counseling center for rape victims. Take care of yourself. Get the kind of help that will benefit you.
I just now see where you had anxiety and panic attacks. I had those some years ago and, and lithium (for manic depression) stopped those cold.
I think in addition to therapy you need medicine. I think you could benefit from a psychiatrist, perhaps a female psychiatrist might be best.
As you improve, you can get off some of the medicine.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to share with me I truly appreciate it.
I do understand that my friend is not some therapist and I do not expect her to be. However, I did expect her to treat me the same as she did before I was assaulted. I hate feeling week which is exactly how I feel when people look at me differently. I hate being the person to bother someone else with my problems. That is why I am here. I do not want to open up to anyone else ask for advice. Maybe it is time to just forget about them and move on and find new friends. It has been nearly two weeks since she has spoken to me. I guess I just had higher expectations and expected to be treated like I treated them.
PJVL9 thank you for your responses. I actually lost my job. My panic and anxiety attacks got so bad I could not make it even an hour into work without having some attack. I only go out as little as possible and am currently looking for a new job were I deal with less people. I used to volunteer at a food pantry but stopped after my attack. I have not thought about it but I agree that it might help and will hopefully be able to get back into it.
I do not think I could do group therapy for my lack of trust towards people and I am not one who usually shares. I am on xanax but feel it does not really help.
Also I have noticed lately that I have become extremely paranoid. I do not trust friends or family and assume they are lying or talking behind my back about me. Also speaking to new people. I used to never like speaking to new people but could pretend and then get over it. Lately I can barley get out a sentence. Which has become a huge problem since I am taking public speaking. My first speech I gave I lasted 38 seconds and had to walk out of class to try to calm down. I do not know how to change it. Any advice would be appreciated.
Glad you responded.
You said it’s been two weeks since you’ve talked with your friend. I know you are heart broken. I hung on to my girlfriend in high school for a year and a few months, kept asking her for another date at the end of the current date, even though she was sending out signals that I was embarrassing the heck out of her by being around her.
I was desperate, also.
Desperate to believe that I was not worthless, desperate to believe that she did not despise me because I had mentally collapsed right beside her. I just couldn’t handle that.
We finally parted when we both went our separate ways after high school. I needed a smooth transition, not a falling off the cliff situation.
I just started thinking about that about a month or two ago. I never realized how much trouble I caused her, guess I pushed it out of my mind.
I caused her whole family problems by cont. to date her. We’d go out on dates and I would be like, we’re having a great time, aren’t we honey? I’d be thinking like, please don’t leave me.
It would be like if you and your best friend went somewhere and you’d be like, oh, we’re having a great time, aren’t we?
I know the feeling. It is awful.
You said, “I hate feeling week which is exactly how I feel when people look at me differently. I hate being the person to bother someone else with my problems.”
I’m the same way. Years ago, I had a severe problem which basically could have been solved with a phone call. I could not make the phone call.
I couldn’t say, “Mr. Jones, yeah, Bill Smith here, aw great, how are you doing? Yeah, I’ve got a problem, uh, I’ve got a medical problem and I might have to have some special exemption, special treatment kind of thing and uh….”
“Oh, you say all I need is a note from my doctor talking about this and….” “Oh, OK.”
I couldn’t do that conversation. I couldn’t keep my voice together. I couldn’t keep from breaking down and crying, and saying, “I’m really weak. I really need your help.”
Now, if he had talked to me about one of his serious problems, I would have dropped everything and listened to him for hours, just like I’m doing here. But I could not tell him one of my problems for 5 seconds.
I hate to bother people with my problems. It’s gosh awful. It might be fear of rejection, of being laughed at. What would I do if he laughed at me. I’d just start crying.
Decades later, I realized, I could have written him a letter. Don’t know if I could have done that. I would have needed help. It would have taken a special kind of person to baby step me through that.
Part of it was my negativism, in that, I didn’t believe I could do anything, because my uncon. mind, which I had programed to be neg., would come up with a bad idea of why my con. Mind solution wouldn’t work, until I failed, which is what my uncon. mind wanted.
I read a col. 15 years ago about being positive going into a prob. That you can solve it. I didn’t know my uncon. mind was predestining me to lose. I thought it was the problem that was the problem. It wasn’t. It was me. How could that me.
So the next time I had a prob., I told myself, don’t worry about the problem, worry about you having a neg. attitude that you aren’t going to be able to solve the problem.
I said, next time I have a problem, get down the col. On being positive, and just read the col. About being positive the
Next time you have a problem. And that’s what I did. Completely different approach to problems. That is, I never again looked at the problem as the problem. I looked at myself as the problem. My unconscious.
A few days later I had a problem. I never thought about it. I went straight to my bullitan board, got down the col., and started reading it. I got to the 4th paragraph, and I thought of the answer to the problem.
Wait a minute, I wasn’t even thinking about the problem.
That’s right, but my unconscious was. And by reading the col., I had knocked out the negative from my uncon., and my con and my uncon. came up with the solution, which my uncon. was not able to knock down because I had knocked out the neg. first.
What you have, basically, in its purest form, is a problem. If you can give your uncon. a gut check every now and then, when you have a problem to solve, by saying over and over, “Be positive, be positive, be positive,” as I do, going into a problem, your chances of solving the problem greatly increase.
In my neg. state, I would have said, “What’s so great about being attacked?” proving my uncon. neg. was right: this was horrible.
But it’s not the problem that’s great. It’s the possibility that the chances of improving, if not
solving, the problem can be increased by having a positive attitude that it can be made better.
You probably have a positive attitude, I did not, so I may be preaching to the choir. I’m just telling you this in case some of this may help you, as I have mentioned it to others.
You said, “I actually lost my job. My panic and anxiety attacks got so bad I could not make it even an hour into work without having some attack.”
Panic attacks. You have come to the right place.
Decades ago, I had a nervous breakdown, and panic attacks followed, as tornadoes follow hurricanes. My girlfriend and I attended a movie, “Goodbye Columbus,” with another couple, and about 1/3 of the way through the movie, I felt a panic attack coming on. How…embarrising.
I had to get up from the movie, and walk out and meet everyone an hour later after the movie was over, not knowing what excuse I would give.
There was a large bridge in our town. I could not cross over it, for I worried that I would have a panic attack halfway across it, and where would I go, plumiting over the edge?
During those days, I would hear a popular song on the radio, “don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.” Heck, I was already crazy. And they would play that song over and over as I was playing the radio by my bed at night because I couldn’t go to sleep.
Also, what was happening was, I was misdiagnosed and therefore miss-medicated.
Years later, I was put on lithium, and my panic attacks stopped cold. So for all those years I was having panic attacks, they had not diagnosed me right (I was manic-depressive), and so I had to suffer through that needlessly.
There are medicines designed for panic attacks. You can look on the net under panic attack, and see what medicines they recommend. Write them down, find a psychiatrist in the computer yellow pages, and get yourself an appointment. You might want a female psychiatrist.
Are you riding this one out bareback? No meds, no doctor, just you and the bats out of hell? What do you think you are, the world’s strongest human? Gosh, it’s like psychiatry hasn’t been invented.
(Look on the net under panic attacks, rape victims problems, etc., and see what medicines and treatments they recommend. Write them down, and if you see a psy., mention these things to him or her, which might lower your chances of being miss-diagnosed. )
About not trusting. I had an experience with a male psychiatrist. He gave me some really, really, bad advice, and I basically have not been back to a male doctor since, and that’s been 22 years.
I only go to female doctors, I am so paranoid, as you say, that I think male doctors are going to butcher my ass. I find females more sensitive, and my psychic won’t let me go back into a room with a male doctor. I have a strong female side anyway, but that bad advice by a male doctor was the last straw.
So, I’m about like you about going out in public, I don’t spend a lot of times around males, and when I am around them, like you with new people, I ‘m gritting my teeth.
Also as far as paranoid, I had 3 sets of neighbors who I didn’t think were talking behind my back, they were in fact talking behind my back. They had more problems than I did, which is a lot of problems.
The first one, who started it because he was my enemy, was like, psycho, and he and I got into it and it let the demons erupt.
He told some new neighbors some false info, and, the woman of the couple, believed it and didn’t want to talk about it, because, I later figured out, she had been sexually abused, and was coming after me because I was a male. She came after me for 8 years because she couldn’t have a 5-minute conversation because of the abuse.
They told a 3rd set of neighbors, the guy of which had pathological anger, and also couldn’t talk for 5 minutes and came after me for 4 years.
With manic-depression, I do have anger issues, thus the lithium, and I do feel sometimes people are angry with me even before I've met them, so I have some paranoia also.