I have a real problem with my wife going out with friends. Very strong marriage
My wife and I have been married for years. In all that time we have built a strong relationship, a few minor disagreements here and there, nothing massive. We are both in our 50's and met later in life. The only problem is when she goes with friends. Its not very often and shouldnt mind, but I do. When its mentioned she's off out, it fills me with absolute dread. I wouldnt mind if these "girlie nights" were just that, girlie nights, but she reserves the right to go clubbing until the early hours. My first question is why? We have a strong relationship, why would she want this add on. I feel fearful that whilst in these tacky establishments that some idiot will try his luck. She will fend him, of that I have no doubt, but even knowing that fact just makes me intensely insecure..
This is becoming a real issue, I am not preventing her going out as that would cause resentment, I need a place to go in my head where it doesnt bother me. I need to stop thinking worst case scenario all the bloody time and deal with what happens and not worry about "might be's". Someone please help, I dont want to lose this woman, I fear if I dont address this thats exactly what will happen.
You have answered your own post when you state that you need to stop thinking about worst case scenarios but you should also be voicing these fears to your wife with whom you have a built a strong relationship. She's the only one who can give you the confidence and the reassurance to put your concerns to rest, just as she's the only one who can tell you why she occasionally needs to go out until the early hours with her girlfriends.
I know I have a problem with it, its just how to switch off and not let it bother me like it does. I have voiced my concerns to my wife and she thinks I'm being unnecessarily worried as its only a "night out" My fears emanate from past experiences and I know I can trust her, but its just the places she insists on going to that have lets say, not the best reputations. I worry that in a good marriage why she would want to go these kind of places. Is there something lacking? How, do I switch off and not let it bother me. Everytime I mention it, I dig a bigger and bigger hole for myself. I need somewhere to go in my head that releases me from this bloody feeling.
Which is it?...you either have concerns about your marriage or you have concerns about the environment where your wife visits. She is the only one to tell you if you have concerns about your marriage. It's her business why she goes to these places but it's also her business to tell you the reason why. A strong marriage means you guys must have strong communication so she should be able to discuss this with you in black and white without the grey areas. If she does this, then you won't need that place in your head which releases you.
Your opinion of the places she visits is obviously different to hers but if she can see no problem with it and your marriage is rock solid, then you could be letting your past experiences blind your thinking of the whole issue.
To be frank, you either trust her or you don't and this includes trusting her judgement to visit the places you hold in low esteem.
My wife did the same thing. She was basically a sex addict from abuse in childhood. She went one night to a small social gathering where a man she was close with and his wife were going to be. She told me I was not to go.
I almost lost it during those 3 hours she was gone. One way to look at it is this: if she does stray, she will be losing a lot, also. While I lost a lot with my wife straying, she lost a lot, also. She lost a peaceful home, all she had left was work and one hour at the motel with guys, and then she had to come home to a hostile home environment. So, I lost a lot, that's true, but she did, too.
So you're just going to have to toughen up, she's realizing she risking your good nature and relationship, but is choosing to make that right now. Just start deciding about life without her. Life in the house, but without a good home environment; life in another house without her. Life without her.
If you "make" her stay home, you will be stuck in a house with a wife who doesn't want to be there. If you "let" her go out with other females, she can meet up with guys in a club (where else is she going to go?) and she could be coming in later and later.(Oh, you already said she's getting back in the early hours of the morning. Oh, so that's already started.)
I would decide it in my mind, first. What your plans are. Like, bail, or live in a place where she lives and used to go out late, or still does go out till early hours. I would decide what was best for you. Then I would start asking questions. Where do you go? Do you meet anyone? Where do you go after the club closes at midnight? Between midnight and 2 a.m., where are you when everything has closed down?
It won't be nice, but it's not nice now.
We had a child involved and were buying a house together, so it wasn't easy.
If you don't have a child, you have it a lot better than I did. You want to do what is best for the child, or stay, but you don't want to be there with your wife, or leave. So what do you do?
I just stayed, even after the child was grown and left the house. I didn't have a whole lot to do with my wife, and she didn't have much to do with me, but I stayed for the house, for one thing, and so it could be handed down to our child one day.
What happened? Surprisingly, my wife smoked, and got cancer at 59 and died of that at 61. I got her small life insurance, her workplace retirement plan, came over to me each month, and the house, which one day will be our son's. I went through 29 years of hell, but I got it.
I would never have expected that in 1,000 years. She pretty well had me in a corner. I have emotional problems and didn't know if I could make it on my own. I compared it to 2 dogs in a pit. It wasn't a nice life, but it was my life.
My life after she died has been just as bad, as the neighbors took over her part of attacking me, you know, senior citizen living alone with emotional problems, let's get his ass. So it's been no real difference.
So, your life if you leave her may be not much different than mine, hell if you stay, hell if you go. It's just a matter of which one you choose.
A cab driver once told me, "Women, you can't live with them, and you can't live without them." He was right. In a way, it doesn't make any difference what you do. I'm not being cold, I'm just saying, it doesn't make any difference. It does,if you're positive, but I'm just making light of a difficult situation.