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Feeling foolish!!

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Relationship advice so it has been almost a year since my ex and I broke up. I have been casually seeing people. lately been stuck on one guy and it is ridiculous and I know it is. He was seeing one of my friends, casually of course, and then me, then her and ya, my friend and I aren't talking right now. I don't know what it is, I just want him. I told myself, wait for a guy that wants to be your boyfriend, and thought I was doing a pretty good job about it, then I catch myself at the bar, having a drink, hoping he will stop by haha.
Last night that is what I did, had a drink, he walks in and I just can't help from wanting him. Almost all I think of, kind of sad, since I know all I am is a booty call, but i got what I wanted, then we snuggled all night (mostly) and he drove me to work today. This is not and never will go any where.
I cannot get him off my mind, oh I have tried to forget him or have nothing to do with him. When he was seeing my friend, I was her excuse to take off from her bf and go see this man and it hurt my feelings, because I wanted that man too haha. and to have to hang out with them. Not good. and one friendship ruined. not like it was a great friendship, if a man can come between us.
Would love to be first choice for once, but when this man walks in, I don't care, I just want him to want me haha.
Hope I can get over him soon,I know its not good, but I look for his vehicle, and I hope he wants to see me.
Advice? help!

Feeling foolish!!

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(Sorry for the huge delay!)

There's nothing 'casual' about what either of you three are up to.

Someone hurts 'you' and so you seek recompense (pride salving) via another lover. If their heart is still however much attached to their own ex thus thereby incapable of attaching/showing keenness enough to you (the full 100%) to 'put back' what the ex 'took', that adds insult to your original injury, making the situation worse than ever and EXACERBATING your determination to win (and stolen fruit gives you an XXL, albeit entire false and too-short-lived, boost). This has been happening on all sides.

Someone hurt him so he passed that parcel onto her. She meanwhile was in the same psych situation thus did the same, simultaneously, to him (but cranked up because he did it first...or vice versa, whichever). That made two parcels. You then joined this game of pass-the-rotten-parcel, adding your own. He then added a fourth (meant for 'friend')...... That now makes SIX rotten parcels (two each, one from the ex, one from the 'newbie'), three participants, things degenerating further with every revolution.

So who's going to be the grown-up and get up and walk dignifiedly away from that ridiculous set-up, safe in the knowledge that if they finally take time out of dating and find other, healthier ways (the genuine articles) to reinflate their ego, then, return to healthy plumpness it will.

Ah, but that route's SLOWER, isn't it. It might involve work that strikes as 'less fun' first, like visiting the gym, changing your appearance, applying yourself more to your job and friendships, etc., etc. Far quicker to seek to cancel out the hurt of the original ex-relationship using a new replacement (if only it would sit still!) and simultaneously enter and win a competition with another female and now with him.

Er, no it's not.. as you now see. The healthy route is slower on paper, but there is far less traffic or jams so in reality it's a lot quicker.

You need to emotionally detach from the ex by detaching from the newbie (whom, same as/similar to those other two, you're 'making' just stand in for the ex or original perpetrator). So getting over this guy will be rapid, and finishing the job of getting over the ex now much quicker (if you take my advice) than your own, repeatedly failing method. And all you need do is STAY AWAY for a lengthy enough period (from her too, considering she's now in your mind associated with him; call it a break). Because, the human is programmed very deeply to cease all activity that proves futile (otherwise, imagine a starving-hungry caveman spending far too long trying to fell a stubborn apple from a very tall tree by repeatedly throwing a stick at it, rather than ceding defeat and finding another way or food-source, only to pass out from lack of calorific fuel replacement before then dying... Nature wasn't going to let that happen so all such stubborn thickies naturally (Naturally) died before they could reproduce OR their dependants likewise starved to death... and that futility prohibition includes FEELING EMOTIONS (things that trigger activity) for someone:

If he's not there, zero interaction happening, your psyche will cotton on in record time and switch the now-futile feelings off ("he must have died and no longer exists - CEASE EMOTION CALLED DESIRE"), increasingly day-by-day.

Sadly there's no instant Off mechanism. If there were, the inventor would be the richest person in the world! But your way just drags things out AND risks making things (these post-break-up issues, urges and emotions) stick longer-term or permanently. And that, you are going to regret BIG TIME when your next, automatically better, nicer boyfriend or husband-to-be is ready to enter your life.

Leave the other idiots to it. Temporary grief aside, doing that will - guaranteed - re-inflate your self-pride by a HUGE percentage to begin with, thereby giving you a turbo-boost and shortening your original grief considerably. It's also a psychological rite of passage as earns you a prize at the end (usually one with legs).

Is that enough incentive as well as disincentive for ya? ;-)

Feeling foolish!!

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Thank you, I have been distancing myself from them both, focusing on home and work and everything else!! also trying to cease communication with the ex, as we still talk via social media and that is confusing on its own, its been no more than a few days here and there, but I feel that I am finding myself more, not being involved in this triangle anymore and breaking free from the addiction to my ex, which was keeping me strung along.

I feel like I am stronger, I know it will take more time than a week or two or a month even, but focusing on my and not them has really opened my eyes more to what matters!!

Feeling foolish!!

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Well done! But cut out the Fakebook-ing - no interaction of ANY type - not even if he starts virtual-re-chasing (just because your backing-out stings his ego) - and the progress will speed up even more. If he wants to know why, either ignore or just SAY... 'I've realised I'm not ready to date, even casually, nor interact with any daters or once-daters. Sorry. Will be in touch again once I'm done'... which is just code for, You're even less ready than I am, see you in the next life!

What matters MOST is that your next automatic upgrade or (if this is where you are on your developmental path) definitive soulmate (wherever be he presently) is *likewise* in the process of trying to extricate himself, ready to imperceptibly get shunted onto the path route that intersects at whatever near-pending point with your route, meaning, if you faff around any more with Tweedledum and Tweedledumber and delay things (the inevitable), you and Mr FeelingBlue might miss each other (!!!!!!) or, if you and he are very destined, might miss what is your *first/soonest* opportunity to bump into one another (!!).

What's for certain is that, although the huge relief sparking usually gives way to a wee period of loss of conviction and temptation to re-dabble (grit your teeth), your "PHEW!" phase has kicked in exceptionally quickly [understatement]. So I disagree it'll take more than a month, actually. If that.

But that's the thing about immature prats, isn't it: after the initial wrench of cutting contact, they're surprisingly yet unsurprisingly hard to miss and p*ss-easy to get over. :-)

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