My life is in a shambles
I don't know why I'm writing this, never done so before and doubt anyone's gonna read, but w/e I'm pissed.
Life story incoming. Was born in Cuba, dad left me and my mom when I was one, mom meets new (american) dad when I'm 4, he gets us out and moves us to U.S (im 5). Culture shift is too much for mom, she falls into massive depression (like literally crying for days on end) and basically spends the next 8 years on the couch drowning in self pity. Dad is one of these super austere woods guys, very emotionally distant, wouldn't know what empathy was if you wrapped it up and hit him over the head with it. Didn't really matter that much anyway, he was home about half the week.
I basically had to become my Mom's emotional caretaker at 5; she'd tell me how much she hated the U.S, how her relationship with my dad was falling apart, how depressed and lonely she was etc. I'd spend hours with her on the sofa trying to cheer her up, whenever I brought up any of my opinions, she'd get sad, angry, or would ignore me and steer the conversation so it's about herself again. She did this all my life, ignoring any kinds of problems I had and unloading all of hers on me. By the time I was 10 I already knew all the ins and outs of her bitterness and hatred of my dad, when I was 12 she got an abortion and spent the next few months asking me if it was the right thing to do. She has her own problems, her mom died when she was eight and dad died when she was 13, then she was pretty much left to fend on the streets alone, so she's extremely insecure.
God why am I still writing. My dad yelled at me for everything, and bossed me around every chance he got, made me help in all these development type projects (digging trenches, clearing brush etc.) out in the woods without telling why or really even saying thanks. Oh yeah, we lived in the woods, way the fuck out in the country where NO ONE was around, we then got a house in the city but my dad dragged me and my mom out to the woods whenever he felt like it (we hated it there by the way). My dad would also choke me, pick me up by the shirt and slam me against things, pick me up by the throat and yell in my face in front of all my "friends" and their parents. He has his own problems, mother was schizophrenic, dad was barely home.
My parents also hated each other with a passion, you literally cannot put these people in a room for 2 minutes without a huge fight breaking out. By the time I was 6 I was already acting as arbitrator, breaking up fights and talking to them individually, convince them to say sorry to each other, etc. While I did this I suffered from heavy depression and had an extremely hard time interacting with people. In kindergarten I was already walking around the play area by myself thinking how alone I was. All this annoying conflict with parents lasted about 15 years until I was 20, then they finally realized it was a good idea to live apart.
In the meantime I have developed severe depression and have been alone for as long as I can remember. My parents were too busying fighting each other so I basically had to raise myself. The way I think, talk, and interact with people I had to develop by myself in a social vacuum, probably why I can't make friends if their handed to me on a fucking silver platter. Hasn't gone well with girls either, first girl I fell in love with I never talked to (while agonizing everyday over her), second girl I got to know really well over the internet, she really liked me but I didn't want an online relationship so long story short, she killed herself, and I'm 80% sure it was my fault. Third girl (highschool 17) was beautiful, energetic, super-popular and I learned that she liked me from her friends; in response I switched out of the class I had with her and ignored her every time she tried to talk to me. Why did I sabotage my own chances? I don't know but that's something I tend to do. Fourth Girl (University 21), a gorgeous Swedish girl, intelligent, fun to talk to; we would chat for hours on end. I basically told her point blank that I was in love with her and then made her reject me so I can stop thinking so much about her and run away from any possibility of a relationship.
Fuck this is long, oh well It helped me vent I guess. I'm 21 now and since my mom is divorcing my dad and wants half his stuff, his finances are probably gonna get screwed up and he's not gonna be able to pay for my tuition. Back to my shit job I guess, since my mom wont get a job even if her life depends on it, I'm probably going to end up paying for her shit like usual.
Better stop here, if I told all the shit that's happened, I'd never get the hell off my computer. To anyone that reads this: Why are you reading this? But also thanks, and to all the people on here that actually have real problems unlike myself, I wish the best to all of you.
Hey there, first I'd like to say what you have been through in your life is a real problem. Your parents are selfish people and should never have leaned on a child that young, or any age really,for that kind of support. They are the ones who are supposed to take care of you.
Second thing is, the reason you run from relationships is because you have seen nothing but horrible things in your own parents relationship. You don't want or need that aggravation. (In your mind I suspect) I can't really blame you either. Its not safe its too risk. Sound about right?
I truly believe that you would benefit from some counsilng. I know I know, who needs that shit, right? Well for starters you do. Not because you are crazy or anything like that. But because you have had a lot of different tragedies happen in your life and should learn to deal with those things the right way. It would also help with your phobia of relationships.
You sound like a very intelligent guy. Someone would be lucky to have you in they're life if you only let them in. Sweetie, you are gonna get hurt by people it's inevitable. But learning how to deal with such things can save you a lot of greif. If being hurt or let down by someone is the reason you won't let anyone in then you are not truly living.
People need other people. Its a fact of life. You are no exception. Please take my advise and seek counseling. You will be surprised by how much happier you could be if you do. I hope this helps. I'm glad you wrote.
Um wow, you read it, huh. I really appreciate the feedback but I'm gonna have to bust your bubble a little here, I've been in counseling for about 5 years now, I take medication too (max dosage), I've seen like 9 different psychologists/psychiatrists/psychotherapists whatever, hasn't really helped much unfortunately, also ended up in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt, don't really know where else I'm supposed to turn to for help.
Well f you've been doing all that and taking your meds and its still not helping then I guess turning here was a good choice. This is a place where you can vent or whatever you need to do with no judgment and no negative bullshit. I hope turning to this page will help some.
I really think you need good people in your life. Surround yourself with people sort of. I don't mean that you should make yourself feel uncomfortable around ppl you don't know. You need human contact though. I realize that's not an easy thing for you but it is a nessesity in life. Its just human nature.
Look I'm not a person with tons of friends either. I pretty much stay home all the time and have one maybe two friends that visit me. I'm in a dysfunctional relationship and have been for 12 yrs. I grew up with an abusive step monster and parents who hated each other. Iv had two major relationships, including the current one, and both have been abusive in one way or another. So I do relate to your story. The only thing good in my life is my daughter. Iv had lots of life lessons to show me what not to do in parenting. And I work hard at not making those same mistakes with my own girl. So far so good I guess.
So anyways, I just would like to say if you need to vent or whatever I'm always looking on this page to see if there may be someone I could help or just talk to. There's a ton of ppl here that could help as well. Of course I read it BTW .
You seem like a great person, I'm sorry you've had it so rough. It's nice hearing that you have a daughter that you love, It's something to fight for. Anyway thanks, it does mean a lot.
Its my pleasure. I just hope it helped. And like I said I'm around anytime and there are tons of ppl willing to help you here. Have a good night and sleep well.