Emotionally numb: Can You really get better relationships after abuse?
nyone I'm bored or simply trying to fill a void but after physical abuse is it really possible to find love again and do any of You have stories to share about that?
I'm 22 and have scars and stretch marks from my last pregnancy. I'm also worried that noone will want me withall my scars.. or rather the kind of guys I go for. I'm even sceptical that love exists because all my experiences with men either bored me or hurt me as it's always been about sex. And they've always dated Me for my looks- now I don't even have that and I'm terrified that I won't have a choice but to be alone.
I miss my body and I miss the confidence I used to have. My Aunt thinks I'm just troubled by demons and that I'll marry one day,she doesn't get it. How can I marry when I can no longer trust anyone? When I'm insecure about my scars? Who will marry a drop out who no longer has aspirations for the future? There's so many things wrong about the idea.
Apart of Me feels like I should forget about it and that my chance at happiness has come to an end
It was almost like reading about myself there. I have a story very similar to yours. I'm a bit older but that just means iv had more terrible relationships. Iv been in two major ones and both have been abusive in one way or another. I have scars all over e from one thing or another. I miss y body and good looks as well. I recently gained some weight and now my bf of twelve years won't touch me. I use to get a lot of attention from men. I haven't turned any heads for a while now.
That's partly my fault and I'm guessing your too. If you're anything like me. I'm depressed and iv stopped caring about my appearance. I don't do my hair or wear make up anymore. I don't put on my nice clothes either.
Part of your issue is that you're probly suffering from the baby blues if you just have birth in the last few months. The scars and stretch marks will either go away entirely or fade to nothing. Only you will notice them. I'm sure if you give it some time and maybe talk to your gyn about this the combination between some antidepressants and time will help hugely.
Here's an idea, get all dolled up one night and make sure you can get a sitter. Get a couple friends together and go out on the town. I'm willing to bet that one or more guys will have hit on you. You haven't lost anything not really. You just don't see that yet. A good man will see past your scars sweety. And yes good men are hard to find. I wouldn't worry too much about that right this second though. Get your head right first. Just try to have some fun.
Anyways I hope this helped.
Hey thank You for the advice, and I really think You should take Your own too.
For months my ex put me down to the point where I used to look as untidy as possible just so I could avoid being intimate with him. Now that I'm single , I've gained a lot of weight due to the neglect.
Anyway, We all make mistakes and if after 12 years Your guy isn't giving You enough love then why are You still with him? I'm just asking , no offense intended. Hopefully in time we'll both get back our confidence
Put your feet up because this is going to be a long, one-off one... virtually everything you need to hear at this point in one hit...
[Woman's name] and [man's name],
Sitting in a tree,
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes the baby in the baby carriage.
You're only 22. 'Last pregnancy' suggests this isn't even your first baby. So this, how you're feeling about yourself today, is the whole bundle product of your having changed the natural script by putting the baby carriage before the actual marriage when, actually, as the rhyme denotes, a baby ideally should be a PROOF PRODUCT of a healthy, maturely-loving relationship between the ready and healthy man and woman, having passed muster (to warrant a promotion) under all manner, or as many as possible/do-able in 2-5 years, of emotional changes and life climates (much like an extensive car test-drive), having since come out the other side with that love *solidified* by all the expected relationship and not-so-expected "life's sh*t" tests, feeling like you hold more love for each other than either of you know where or how to put it or keep expressing it without looking and sounding like broken records caught in Groundhog Day. Voila - next step - new human being pops out...the mixture of you and he put in a pot and stirred around then re-formed, made manifest in the form of a living, tangible entity.
The little being is roughly half you, half him, but a definite upgrade of both you individuals in terms of intelligence, including emotional, in order to play its component part in generation-by-generation improving the human race,... their individual upgraded-ness encouraged out by the normal, optimally happy or contented "2.4 family" set-up in which the kid gets blueprint-raised and nurtured for nigh-on 16/17/18 years, including, not least, seeing daily a mummy and daddy fully in love and mutually showing care, consideration, thoughtfulness, having each other's backs and being willing to self-sacrifice whenever need be, no MATTER that they might regularly squabble and bicker like two idiots (humans) (i.e. naked apes) shoved up-close together will be unavoidably apt to do and/or especially whenever the going gets tough.
THIS should be what both younger and older kids often spout: "Ewww!...Uuuugh!" - in reaction to mum and dad yet again caught cuddling and kissing and saying sweet nothings or in whatever else myriad ways behaving like *lovers*, which, because the affection naturally verges slightly onto sexual territory, makes the kids feel embarrassed (atop of secretly happy and secure).
The going is far tougher than need be if you bring a baby into the mix before the relationship's had time to prove itself sufficient solid and ready enough to take and weather it. Tougher still if you add another.
You now see that the relationship was not, in fact, ready for two more members and an inevitable change in the sense of welfare and status of both partners, be that by mum's inevitable culture-shock, dented self and body image thus overall lowered confidence, her mental, emotional and physical drained-ness from being on-call 24/7, dad's lack of mature capability to comfortably take a back seat for a while (until they hit age 6+ and can wipe their own bums, etc., etc.) and up his co-parental assistance ante... Those kinds of changes, disruptions, blockades.
For months your ex put you down (git). I expect he did that because he felt "less than" in comparison to you (confidence is part of the allure package). And what did you do about it? Did you see through it and ignore him?...Or, if you couldn't ignore it, tell him in no uncertain terms how unhappy you were with that behaviour and climate and then, assuming inappropriate response, issue him warnings that you'd have to seriously think about terminating the relationship if he didn't start doing his share of rowing the troubled row-boat? Or did you just take the silent, passive, acting-out approach of looking like a (for you) dog's dinner, effectively in order hold his romantic/sex-life to ransom until such time as the deprivation might force him to want to finally join you at the resolutions and re-negotiations table (which tack of yours obviously didn't work)?
So that was your second mistake: having a baby with the insecure, female-competitive dud instead of dumping him (either for-good or to hammer the lesson home).
So it *could* be said that you fluffed-up your life exams from taking them in the wrong order and prior to being properly qualified and sufficiently well-revised, meaning, here's the giant, drip-drip consequence.
But, who knows? Maybe you were MEANT to? Maybe it's *not* a fluffing-up? Exams, careers, 'this age for this, that age for that'... - bar the relationship solidity part, those are actually human interventions, not Nature's script. Maybe you were MEANT to get your babies out of the way early, so to speak, so that they'd already have flown the nest (or be treating the nest like a free hotel) by the time your confidence will naturally heighten, as it tends to for most women, in your 30s and you suddenly 'come into yourself' and end up sitting pretty? Maybe this is your punishment *and* reward, both, like a smacked behind followed by a hug and a lollipop?... only, you're still as we speak in the spanked bum era? Maybe if you *hadn't* had your babies early, you might have fallen pregnant just as you were beginning to feel like you *could* take on the business world and whatever other things the environment offers? Maybe this order of proceedings IS the right order - for someone like you, specifically - despite it fails to mimic Nature's time-old script? (Oranges are not the only fruit, is the saying on that score.)
Whether delayed by your mistakes or 'manipulated' into MAKING what only appear to be mistakes/barriers and wrong orders for a future, as-yet-unseen purpose, you can't know. YET. But one thing is for sure: confidently say your life is over again and I'll gaffaw my face off a second time for your giant ignorance and naivety, young 'Grasshopper'! ;-)
You're just in Mum Phase, which is a lengthy and overly occupying one (until it's over and suddenly far too short), meaning the career or ultimate, for-life romance, including wanting to get yourself back into shape and adorning yourself again, will now have to wait a bit.
...Or not?! Trust me, there are PLENTY of men out there who desperately want to be fathers but can't have kids... or daren't have kids (because they're worried the parental abuse they suffered is a genetic rather than purely conditioned-in thing and wouldn't want to add to the problem by knowingly playing a part in replicating/continuing it down the ancestral line),... or daren't because they have what feel like hearts on the too big side ('over'-attachers) thus suspect they'd constantly be insufficiently objective and firm with kids that biologically were their own to be an effective disciplinarian,... or because their sperm's been diagnosed as not up to scratch... LOADS of reasons why a surprisingly huge sector of the Ready, Willing & Able male date-able collective can't or don't wish to have their own but would be thrilled to pieces to "buy one lover and get x number of mini-Hers for free", ...kids they can care for and provide role-modelling for. And nothing so superficial and trivial as stretch-marks or a Mummy Tummy is going to stop those of your particular feather from fancying then loving the pants off of you because...many of them have *had* the technically photoshoot-ready partner and yet where did all that so-called perfection get them? Bloody no-where except divorce and where no AMOUNT of so-called good-looking features could have helped or saved the relationship.
Those types have learnt the truth, which is, if you've got someone with A GOOD HEART, and who is finally comfy being themselves, then that's what you fall in-love with, followed by trying desperately to explain and justify it to yourself and the world by blaming things that actually have negligible bearing, like the fact she has Brown hair this time or long legs or big boobs or sexily big bum or face dimples when she smiles or whatever else meaningless drivel. Whatever, it certainly beats, "I haven't got a clue!". People don't like not having an answer. And usually they don't have one because they don't take the time and effort to think things through using all the available clues and indicators gathered together on the one table. But, anyway, I digress...
And then there's the other pleasing aspect from a man's point of view: you HAVE wear & tear flaws rather than none. That eases slightly the threat of constant competition from other males - ones still immaturely primed towards fantasy standards - that might want to try it on in his absences, as per the Dr Hook hit: "When you're in-love..with a beau-ti-ful wo-man... you watch your fri-ie-iends (you watch yer friends, better watch yer friends, you'd better look out!)... When you're in-love with a beau-tiful wo-man... it ne-ver ee-ee-ends...". He's got other demands, he doesn't want to be dating someone so hot he'd have to stay home with her 24/7 to protect his relationship from constant stealing and usurping attempts. That may sound stupid, but, that's men sometimes for ya! They don't even HAVE as much confidence as women to begin with when it comes to their own looks... nobody is repeatedly telling *them* how handsome and fit they are, half the time, as they're growing up. So it evens the playing field a little and eases his potential territorialism-based anxieties. (That might well be what your ex was acting under, albeit he plumped for the wrong/negative method as well as took it WAY too far.)
And then there's this other science bit: your Mummy Tummy and stretch-marks PROVE YOUR FERTILITY. Doesn't matter if they'll probably never make actual use of that oven; that it's a WORKING one is the point. Male Status symbols.
...Loads of reasons too numerous to mention for why plenty of men deliberately SEEK OUT women with kids already.
...Widows! Did I mention male widows with no kids or one or two kids of their own and who don't want more but do want a bigger family set-up?
Those are the copious sorts of types you'd attract *if* you went into the dating market even as early as this week. They'd be the type still standing and vying for your hand whilst the other, less mature, non-clued-up idiots had long fallen by the wayside (thank god). So 'over', my arse - you're talking self-pitying, negative, anxiety-based nonsense ("hurrah!"). But you will get what you want when you MOST NEED IT, not when *you* say and think you ought.
I recommend you put all your energies into your kids. Salvation through ones kids, they call it. It's the original, long-term, female career and holds ZERO shame to it - au contraire! If only ALL mothers still had the choice at their disposal to be stay-at-homes or part-time workers, as much as possible engrossed in the whole family lifestyle, treating it like the long-haul, top-exec project it is, then maybe [- sarcasm alert!] the state of the world and its occupants today would be a lot better, healthier, happier. That's not an anti-Feministic view, it's a pro choice one. Diff/all the diff.
You're actually very lucky. By the time you're ready - GENUINELY ready - to add romance and, possibly, a career to your happy homelife set-up, you'll be mentally ripped, courtesy of The Gym of Kids & Homekeeping. Everything will be long ticking like clockwork; you won't have to miss work and miss out on promotions or break dates due to little ones being ill or clingy, or even still have them on your mind and mental To Do list, whereby you have trouble switching your 'personas' back and forth between Now I Am Mum and Now I Am Lover (- makes some women effing dizzy, that one, and is a standard lack of flexibility talent that itself can actually contribute quite heavily to the breakdown of romance and the relationship as a whole). None of that hassle for you once you're ready to start dating again! (Dating seriously, with-a-view, I mean, rather than purely for fun and pleasure.)
See? Every cloud has a silver lining. And FYI, every silver lining has a cloud. NOTHING is "worse" or "better". Everything is just different but with the same number or weight of pros and cons as you'd have had on your plate had you done things in the normal order or way.
By the way, how do you know the love of your life won't have stretch-marks himself from yo-yo dieting or body-building or from savage growth spurts during his teen years? And a bit of a beer belly? Or an unusually big nose (that you don't 'see' anyway, thanks to his amazingly captivating eyes)?
You don't. You don't know anything. Not without a crystal-ball (and last time I looked, Argos were sold out, ha-ha). That lesser quantum of confidence you today are carrying might prove one day soon to be the vital ingredient for Mr Right NOT deciding against asking to buy you that drink in that bar or asking if you've got the correct time at the bus-stop 'because he's out of your league'.
As for trusting again: you have a portion which you give automatically and the rest is earned as the relationship undergoes events and the passage of time. Earning it or being willing to give it is *easy* when you're birds of a feather flocking together because, mostly, you "just know" how he thinks and feels and is coming from and vice-versa. Ex was obviously not of your feather, berbom.
One thing's for sure: I hope you have a big, fleshy bum because a surprisingly high number of men - REAL men - *adore* big bums!... as well as any other "squidgy bits" they can knead and grab. In fact, some evo-theorists suggest that the reason boobs are lusted after is BECAUSE boob cleavage mimicks bum cleavage (think about how apes copulate, and what their vista is whilst they do so, and nuff said). "Love Handles"...think about the name they gave it and, again, nuff said. For all you know your definitive soulmate might be crazy about buxom women and detest "stick insects", meaning, the by-then svelte you might start wanting to put weight ON because that's the size and shape that gets him really revved up behind closed doors and you obviously love making him go doolally with lust and appreciation.
So chill. Do nothing until you have the natural urge or just-whoops! find yourself starting to do any of it. And cease pressuring and guilting yourself unnecessarily in the meantime. It's futile in the productive, positive direction but mightily handy in the negative, self-paralysis one ("trouble with demons"), and productive, positive is obviously your aim and smoother ride to Whereverville.
You wait, you'll see.
Short version: Auntie's 100% right. But she obviously didn't go into enough detail about the hows, whys and wherefores, that's all.
So, now, you have a choice: you can cease worrying about the unknown and unknow-able and just have a bit of faith in life whilst you wait patiently for 'your moment' to shine or rise like a Pheonix from the single-parental ashes or you can try to speed it up again by forcing yourself soon to by-rote do some exercise and preening and see whether the fake takes and becomes a genuine pride and enjoyment. Either/or.
But here's another theory: What if a part of your mind *wants* you to stay "unattractive" for a decent while because it would rather you learned to function as independently as possible as a singleton SO THAT by the time you're due to meet one or or the optimum soulmate for you, you can sod his potential fathering or DIY skills or size of pay-packet, etc., and choose based purely on what turns you on in all areas, AND ONLY YOU? What a freedom - imagine that!
...in which case, this Limbo was never a punishment but a giant reward in disguise.
50p please (x 2). :-)
Oh Boy, I meant first sorry. This is my only child. I'm not living with Him at the moment but at His dads ,because I have virtually no place to stay except my Aunts. They haven't really accepted it either, it's a dirty secret. Since they believe in what You mentioned about marraige first.
Which makes it all the more complicated. I guess I have to focus on working and such but at the back of my head I tend to wonder What I'll do after that.
I don't even feel like a Mom, I feel like I gave birth to someone else's child for a quick buck and got the scars instead of the child. I'm also afraid that I won't get the child because I'm less experienced than his father, don't speak my mother tongue (which is a huge issue here) and can't cook or clean. Among other negative thoughts.
Basically I feel like the dead beat dad/neglegant father who won't be respected because I let my own child down.
(Okay, not a one-off, LOL)
First, second... the baby before the marriage was the point. It's not *my* belief, it's Nature's. I just know better than to fight *everything* natural and which has been around far longer than our modern societal set-up and demands, instead of using more discernment to cut out only the most vital societally-non-conducive aspects. Sometimes society has to just lump it for the good of the wellbeing of the race as a whole, starting with its individual components, people, since it all 'comes home to roost' anyway at some point. I mean, if we were all still living in the forests, you'd have had that first baby well before you'd hit 16 (so, pth! to today's unrealistic demands and legal constraints) (and timing of exams as a futile bid to keep the kids' hands off one another). BUT, you also would have had better, less impeded means to have test-driven each other and marry (in the head) beforehand, as well. That's the crux part.
If you're living at his dads then you're still in the relationship - by proxy. Because it's his dad. But I can see how 'rejection' by your own family would  make you have to and  have made it harder for you to have asserted your rights and needs without worry of risking anything.
You are not less experienced. Elusive or not, needing time to kick in or not, you have innate knowledge as has been passed down the genetic line to you. A child needs it's MOTHER, above all else. It's its MOTHER that needs its father (because she's tending to it so he has to tend to her). The courts know this and always have. No WAY do they give way to the father over the mother just because he's BEEN A FATHER before. Ain't gonna happen. Not unless you're a serious drug-user or ridden with issues that have you taking it out on your kid, directly or as a consequence, including neglecting it, HABITUALLY. (Plus, your child will just end up bi-lingual, which is a definite plus in your favour, and teach you your country's language.) Maybe if you take that 100% truth on board you might finding the bonding process free to finally start running - at full-pelt now to make up for lost time.
It's not abnnormal for mums not to feel connected in that way, though, particularly with a blockade, like yours, of not even knowing if it's SAFE to bond with it for fear of it getting taken off them.
It IS safe.
YOU are not going to lose your kid.
You ARE NOT going to lose your kid.
You are not GOING to lose your kid.
You are not going TO LOSE your kid.
You are not going to lose YOUR KID.
Ain't gonna happen.
Plus, sh*t mothers don't post on forums going, Heelp, I think I'm a bad mother! Only good mothers do that. So what's this so-called negligence / 'letting down' all about, then?