Am I right?
MCARRION - Jan 31 2016 at 16:57
I love my granny two weeks ago. I can't begin to tell you how much she meant to me. She was a second mother and in the last few years I was involved heavily with her personal care. She passed away in her sleep while I sat at her side. My girlfriend of 5 years was in the house and supportive on the days of losing her and the funeral the week after.
My girlfriend's mother has been given a terminal diagnosis for a rare cancer. It's a horrendous time for both families. She wanted everyone to go on holiday - the whole family. I expected that this would be in a few months time however they have to start chemo soon so the holiday should be now. Actually a week on Sunday for two weeks.
I've told my girlfriend that I can't go. That I'm suffering from terrible anxiety and have to be home and able to get myself back to normal. I've told her that under any other circumstances I would be there but if I went it would make me more ill.
Since then she's told me that this is her mum's wish and I'll be breaking her heart. I've explained that I simply can't go. I've been very empathetic and said that I'm with her and her family all the way and am just a phone call away but two weeks away at this stage isn't something I can do.
She's been terrible and quite mean. Not talking much and ignoring me. I feel like any support I had from her at the loss of my gran is gone.
I can't sleep and I can't eat at the moment. I'm now questioning myself all the time. It's a horrible feeling.
We don't live together at the moment. I just want to get myself better mentally and physically and I can't do that by being abroad for two weeks.
First I'd like to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have a close relationship to my gran as well. Right now you are in the grieving process. These things take time and are different for everyone. I think if you want to stay home and deal with your grand passing then you should. Without any greif from your gf.
I'm just going to be blunt about this. I mean no disrespect what so ever. Your gran has passed, her mother is sick very sick but shes still here. She should be a little less selfish right now.
Let her go on her holiday and if she can't support you or behave like she has some since then maybe you two are not ment to be. A relationship is give and take. It's hard work. Its compromise. Maybe reminding her of that could help.
Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this helped some. Good luck.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. It's really kind of you.
I spoke with my gf last night at length on the phone, and then via messages. I'm afraid that she just couldn't see where I was coming from and was of the opinion that I should be putting my feelings aside and going on holiday for her mother's sake. I was called everything from selfish to a bastard. She said that she's lost all respect for me and that there's a huge divide. I didn't see the point in continuing the conversation. I told her to have a safe trip and we would speak when she's back.
At this point, I don't think that the relationship is going to continue. I've not asked for the impossible and have gotten no understanding from her.
I really appreciate your honesty Angelina, and you helped a lot. Sometimes it's nice to have outside perspective.
First, I just want to say you're in a terribly awkward situation. Though I really sympathize with your girlfriend. She was there for you when your grandmother passed away, and as you said, she was highly supportive. Her mother is deathly ill right now, and I feel like you could compromise with the vacation. Give yourself a week and just meet up with her family later. Since she called you selfish and a bastard, she's probably angry at how unsupportive you are being right now. Her mother could very well die, and that vacation might be the last time she gets to be happy with her entire family. Maybe she just wanted you to be a part of it. I know you're feeling consumed with anxiety, but you should try to consider her feelings of anger if you want to continue the relationship.
Hey I'm sorry she behaved in that way. That's unfortunate. However the last person who replied may view this situation I don't agree with it. This trip is really for the gf and her mother and family. I realize she wants you there but its only 2 weeks. There are other ways to show your support without jepordizing your mental health as well.
You may be right about ending this relationship. However I hope that's not the case. If she is too wrapped up in her own greif now maybe a Lil separation could do you both some good. Both of you need to get your heads right. This sort of thing takes time to heal from.
Take the 2weeks to gather yourselves and see how it turns out when she returns. Don't close the door just yet. Give the girl a chance. Maybe she will see you weren't being selfish. Take care of yourself. I hope it works out.
Your 'number 2 mother' was terminal and your girlfriend was your constant support...for what sounds like 2 weeks overall at least. Your actual mother is, presumably, still alive.
Her actual mother has been diagnosed as dying. She might only HAVE 2 weeks. The subsequent chemo is too little too late and now just for buying a bit more time. (Poor quality time, I should add!)
I'm sure that whilst by your side in your weeks of needs, your girlfriend must have had to have chosen to make personal sacrifices, put her own needs and those of the people she knew aside for the sake of yours, first and foremost, and then your gran's (- same thing)? Maybe there were moments when SHE didn't want to be there, especially since during this time her mother would obviously have been undergoing all the diagnostic tests? And yet, there she most definitely was. For your sake. Because she loves you.
Her mum has to start chemotherapy soon. There is no way on earth that once chemo starts, this poor woman is going to be up to gaining her last wish to be surrounded by her family in a happy circumstance, AND, note, gain reassurance that all her 'chicks' are going to be okay (safely taken care of and happy) after her impending demise. By then, she'll be too busy dealing with cramps and vomiting the stringy, foul-smelling chemo byproduct spontaneously from both ends, with painful ulcers plaguing every mucous membrane on her body (including her inner eyelids, v*gina and an*s, if she's really lucky!)...etcetera, etcetera, et-Hellish-cetera. It's doubtful she'd be compus mentus, even. This is probably her last leg of ever feeling enough on the normal side to facilitate her last wish.
Yes, you should be putting your feelings aside, same as gf did, and, being sensible about it, maybe just soliciting her agreement, that SHOULD the rosy-cosy setting have the effect of making you feel worse, that is when you make a graceful exit, with gf and her whole family's blessing in view of the fact that at least you made the effort (as speaks volumes). But to just point-blank refuse, to not even want to *try* to do no more for her than she readily and willingly did for you, smacks of 'one rule for you, another for her', aka "me-me-me". So I'm not surprised she's appalled, disgusted, disillusioned and altogether crushed by what strikes as gross take-take-and-no-give attitude.
*Compromise*. Aka reciprocity. No relationship can work without it.
Just *try*. That's all anyone reasonable would expect you to do or would need to feel happy and like justice prevails.