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Feeling alone

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Emotional advice Sorry i am using proper english here now so that u ppl fully understnd my post..
***Hi I am Maryam I am in 4 year mbbs now...I like my cousin a lot ...he also likes me....when I was in 3 rd year Mbbs his famly sent proposal for me....but my parents said to wait for 2 year....he was already 29 he didn't wait and is now married with someone else....now I feel alone and depressed often as I was v much attach with him.....I have to face that cousin again and again often which I don't want to as it recalls me all those past memories....now guide me how should I behave in front of him..I feel alone and depressed often...

Feeling alone

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First you have to decide that you ARE going to move on and find another love.

He is married and not available.

What have you done recently to help yourself meet other eligible men?

Feeling alone

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Dont worry bout him it plenty people out there for you you probably might be a cute sexy young lady every time you see him have something that might tease him dont make him jealous just tease him then after that,that is going to show him what he is missing out on and then he probably might come for you don't have low self esteem.when you get the chance reply to this message and I might give you some dressing advise if you want

Feeling alone

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Suseidqq I. Have done nothing busy in studies now in 4'year Mbbs...

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Sociailly and emotionally, not intellectually.

What have you done to expand your world, outside of school studies?

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I have made new friends in medical coledge....and enjoy their company a lot...but whenever I am free I often feel alone and depressed....thinking of that issue..

Feeling alone

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So, Maryam (hi) - How does the ex-boyfriend appear to you at such times as when you see him with his bride and without her, both? Does he seem happy with his outcome? Is there a difference in how he acts between when accompanied and when not?

What were your parents' reasons for stating you had to wait 2 years? Did they perhaps know something you didn't? And what exactly did the ex *say* to you about waiting 2 years when you told him (presuming he hadn't been present when they made that statement)?

Feeling alone

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My cousin react normal same sense of humour in front of his wife and also without her.....yes he is happy with marriage.....my father did not reject proposal only said to wait for 2 years so that my mbbs is completed.....my cousin said he was already 28 and had option to marry with Sara now his wife....sara family put lot of request to marry her....so Sara and my cousin got married

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I see, so your dad wanted you to get your mbbs safely under your belt, i.e. he's an atypically progressive type of dad (tick!) whom, as such, believes women should have greater choices and freedoms open to them than a life of domesticity. Could that not indicate to you that he had means for suspecting that your then-boyfriend and his family *don't* share that 'women's lib' attitude? For prime example, could this be said to have been wholly indicated by their having sent their proposal to marry with immediacy attached, despite being aware you were already making headway in your university course, rather than one which had included a 2-year engagement out of respect of your active commitment?

Can you hand-on-heart say that if you had married him when he/they wanted, they wouldn't have immediately turned around and told you to drop out of your university place?

Then-boyfriend was already 28 (note you said 29 originally). Would 30 (or even 31) have been that much worse/would waiting two piddly years really have been that much of an ask? That evidently it was, does this not suggest to you that he and his family place outside appearances and male social ranking above a wife-to-be's educational needs and other happinesses generally?

Pursuing that line, tell me, how happy, talkative or all-round buoyant does his new wife seem to you? Or - ref 'sense of humour in front of' - is he constantly the focus of attention and she merely the bit part player/onlooker?

Has your dad ever consistently let you down in the past or do you believe all of his decisions and choices to-date have been made with your best interests both present and future squarely in mind?

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I want to tell you some background.....my cousin whom I like name is Wasim married with Sara....wasim elder brother imad got married with Sara sister Ayesha....after death of Sara parents (Sara uncle put emotional pressure to marry with Sara )....so my cousin got married with her.... if I would have married there they would allowed me to continue my study because I would be going to be 1'doctor in my family.....they are not selfish people...they allow their wife to do jobs or complete their education whatever they want....sara is happy with Wasim....sara is not neglected ...i am happy with my father decision they are in my best interest ...

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(Sorry for the delay)

So because she had become orphaned, Sara, effectively, was hastily 'disposed of' by her guardian, courtesy of the first-available and overly obvious (not to mention vicariously tried-and-tested) batchelor? And she seems attended to, respected and happy? As does Wasim?

HOW COME? How come if Wasim's heart had firmly belonged to you? Shouldn't he have been too heart-broken and thereby found it nigh-on impossible to operate contentedly, day-by-day, with a woman 'so not you'? And wouldn't any such discontent on Wasim's part have a palpable knock-on effect on his new wife?

Before you answer that, can you try flipping the roles and situation in your head, whereby 'you are' Wasim and Sara is your new, supposedly unwanted 'consolation-prize' spouse? How are you? How are you after 1 week... 1 month.. 6? How functional, happy, chatty, cooperative, etc? What does that daily vibe and behaviour do to your new husband and his mood?

Feeling alone

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Sara is also happy and contended with Wasim.....it depend if my husband would give me love and respect me then I would also make him happy .....no my cousin would not miss me as he is married and happy with Sara

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Sorry, but no one would *not* have such a giant back-burner as to be able to pass oneself off as happy if every married day were a never-ending reminder that you weren't with the one you loved and wanted to spend every waking day of your life with. No... Way! When you're (because it was genuine and there's no instant Off tap -) *genuinely* still in-love with person A then having a person B foisted upon you just *heightens* that misery-making bereft-ness more than if you'd suffered loss and were resultantly single. And missing you, to point of it managing to leak out here, there, anywhere, should be a fact of Wasim's heart that we could take 100% for granted and thus *see* in evidence.

We do not, according to you. Not even a whiff.

So!... Sorry, but Wasim did not love you to the extent you did him or the extent to which you - as a woman and because of the romantic type you are - *need* a soulmate to love you, i.e. enough 'fuel' to [1] daily regenerate and [2] thereby last a lifetime. Hence a mere, piffling delay managed to break the relationship's back. How weak it must have been, then (and moreover one-sided equals weak). So Wasim knew you weren't "the one", a fact which allowed him to roll over upon his parents' bidding and/or skip merrily enough to the alter 'despite'. Possibly, Wasim doesn't even see marriage as being about "the one" but, more traditionally, a route to social climbing or fortifying, be that via the choice of bride or the state of being a married man.

So what does that tell you? Answer: that your "one" (in fact, ONE of the ones, but hopefully/with good behaviour the best of that large, widely-available bunch) is not Wasim, meaning, if you *had* been able to go ahead and marry him, you'd have missed out on what's in store for you and spend the rest of your days ruminating that by-then-obvious fact.

Better than Wasim. Wasim but with many, many more whistles and bells on! To the point where you've become so grateful (likewise, your soulmate) that you could pee your pants that 'life' stopped you and he from cementing yourselves eternally.

Is that a cause for comforting self-consolation plus pre-celebration or are you solely concerned with only 'today'?

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I was blind in love at that time ....yes I admit that it was one sided love only from my side....he only likes me in girls cousin ....when I used to say I miss u he said he had no time to miss me and one day he said its better we should be friends only because Wasim will do only what his parents decide for him...but in my family cousin marriage are very common so I was expecting to marry him....he said whatever his parents will decide about his marriage he will marry there and will keep her wife happy .....and he was right he is totally changed now and happy with his parents decision Sara ....before marriage I remember he don't even like to hear word love or discuss anything on this topic....but now he do anything to make her wife happy exchange of flowers dinner etc....he didn't want to hurt me at that time so he said we should be friends nothing else and wait for parents to decide about marriage in case of proposal.....

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"when I used to say I miss u he said he had no time to miss me"

Oh, good grief! What MORE evidence do we need!

And ditto this: "and one day he said its better we should be friends only because Wasim will do only what his parents decide for him". Whereas *your* dad only decides for you whatever's best for *you* - *as an individual in your own right*, not his mere possession and accessory! (I'd take your dad over Wasim's dad any day.)

So anyway, Wasim's dad and Wasim himself (- hur-hur - "WAS SEEM"-ing to love you) (sorry, couldn't resist) in fact 'did you' a giant favour, and all you have to do now is wait until you recognise that in your heart, which you will, guaranteed (when, not if), and background wait with excited, hopeful anticipation for Mr Right Number Whatever (probably One, given how you've just paid the requisite toll) crosses paths and bumps into you while you, meantime, are getting on with getting your qualifications. "He" could be at your college already, for all you know. (Have you noticed anyone making eyes at you lately?)

Re your original question of how you should behave in front of him: Do you even need to worry about that now I've described what the path you're on looks like and is headed towards? Do we even *care* what a, let's face it, total puppet thinks?

Me, I'd be acting like this, I imagine: "Would you like a biscuit, Wasim?...or should I be asking your dad that?" :-p But seriously, there's no need for you to 'act' at all. If you feel like letting him pick up on your gross disillusionment and sense of abject betrayal about him and his so-called right reasons for being part of what is supposed to be A ROMANCE rather than a purely practical arrangement, then, FEELING that disapproval (and, rightly, pity) might do him and his need to experience guilty conscience a bit of good. Alternatively, just vow not to give a giant time-waster and time-waster-abetter any attention greater than that which you'd give to a mere loose acquaintance. He made his choice so - no Maryam-perks for him. I mean, a stepping-stone to a 'bigger and better' lover-husband he may be, but, not of *his* choosing or doing. Were it up to him, you'd be a human shelving unit ("up a bit, down a bit - perfect, hold it!").

That's why you feel (or have been feeling - because you sound chirpier) so bad. Not because you lost a love, but because you were falsely encouraged by Wasim to keep believing despite evidence wholly contrary that it were a heart-match as well as a social facilitations one (in that order), when it wasn't anything of the sort. CONNED, it's called (it doesn't have to be money they steal). And he's not happy because of Sara-the-person. He's happy because 'Married' looks better on his CV. Same for her, clearly. So - two peas in a hard-hearted pod. But once the social and career ladder becomes surplus to requirements in their later years, what are they going to be left with? (I'd take yours and your future fella's future pod over his and Sara's cold and featureless one any day (if I weren't already 'podded')...and, more to the point, so would you.)

*Do* you feel slightly better yet?

Feeling alone

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I had lot of difficulty in understanding your reply...i will reply what I understand.....ok I will behave normal in front of him .....thanks for advice I am much confident and feeling better to face him now...now I will focus on my studies and hope for bright future and good proposal IA and will always think positive....any other advice which u want to add so that I feel more happy comfortable?... I would b Happy if u explain last 5 lines of last reply in simple English hope you don't mind this.....

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I think this was more about your sense of justice having been insulted than your heart. It seems you realised there was the usual element of marriage for social reasons involved, yet still did have genuine feelings for Wasim, which you realised weren't reciprocal and perhaps never would be (due to their being superfluous to requirements). For example, a woman knows what it signifies if, on hearing her fiancee say she's missed him, a man can't even say a simple 'Me too' in a bid to hide his business-only attitude and agenda as well as spare her feelings, nor come straight out with the honest truth by saying something like 'You realise I'm not in-love with you, don't you?', and instead skirts around the issue, like he did with his 'too busy to miss anyone' statement. It's just a variation of that classic which goes, 'I love you' / 'Ah, that's nice'..

When, amongst other signs, you add this to how instantly you were replaced and his and his new bride's behaviour around you since (or failure to behave, I should say), it's not hard to see that Wasim was never intending to marry even slightly for love (and nor this Sara). His (and his parents') attitude smacks of his having consulted his overdue schedule and shopping list rather than his heart.

You obviously have higher, healthier expectations for yourself, want love and romance to feature - as, clearly, do your father and mother (which is no doubt where you got it from). So, all in all, Wasim knowingly misled you from the start as well as allowed you to keep harbouring false hopes on that score. And that is neither nice nor right when what the other person is being encouraged to do is effectively to sign their whole future home and family life happiness away.

Thank goodness Wasim is such a bad actor...except when it serves his interests, of course, like it did before you were so quickly and mercenarily 'fired' before being quickly replaced. I mean, he fears not being married by the time he's 30? He should try being married to someone you can't fall in love with for the rest of his days.

Psychological fact: One SIXTH of all septuagenarians rue over everything and anything else having let 'The One' get away. You should see what the figure rises to for those on their death-beds!

Here, basically, is what you (and your future kids) escaped (husband coming through the door from work at c. Year 7):

Wife: "Tsk, for the HUNDREDTH TIME, can you NOT leave your shoes in the hallway like that, where I keep tripping over them! I swear you're trying to kill me! You're USELESS!"
Husband: "Don't start, woman, I'll do as I damn well please! And - where's supper, why isn't it on the table already? What have you been doing all day? Sitting 'round, painting your nails again, I'll bet! So don't talk to ME about 'useless'!"

It's not exactly Bollywood, is it.

So 'somebody up there' likes you. Because, look at it this way: *Given* that Wasim was in such a hurry, he *could*, if you think about it, have kicked up a right fuss with his parents against not waiting 2 short years despite a built-in guarantee of success being at the end of it. Too many do, you know (course you do). ...Plus all of the other elements that had been put in place, like Sara popping out of the woodwork when she did as saved you from that giant bullet. Because, you imagine if she hadn't, nor any other 'suitable' candidate. In one year's time, two at the most, he and his parents could have come crawling back (- YIKES, indeed!).

In fact, never mind just being yourself in front of them, you should feel like popping open the champagne every time they visit and doing a Victory Dance on top of the coffee-table, LOL.

You don't need hope. Nor positivity. Love - BIG love - is clearly going to get you, regardless of the automatically better social match. :-)

So... now... As Susiedqqq originally asked, what are you doing to expand your social horizons (and do you need tips for dressing for success, like Don't offered tips on)? Are there any extra-curricular clubs centred around your personal hobbies, for example? Because here's another psych fact: we are at our most attractive and therefore most likely to fall genuinely in love when in a favourite place and/or doing our favourite thing, *plus*, if Like wishes to meet and pairbond with Like then increasingly frequenting our favourite types of places is where you'd be most likely to bump into "him".

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I have no extra curricular activities.....i have tough medical college routine where I enjoy with my friends and had sports week and other activities....ok I will hope for some good proposal IA

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What does IA stand for?

Anyway, regarding meeting The One or One Of The Ones: you can't just sit back and wait, all passively, like you're a mere passenger in this world. Everything is a relationship, including between you and life/fate/god/allah/whatever. It/he does his bit to help you to succeed, only if you appear determined (giving its/his input a point via a productive result being the likelihood from that two-pronged effort). And how you do that is by doing your own half- (or anything up to) share of work... which means getting off your bum and putting yourself out there a bit. Preferably somewhere new and separate. After all, how has you sticking to the confines of college been working out so far for you? (I rest my case.)

Furthermore, sports weeks and other one-off college activities isn't you putting yourself out there, it's the college putting you out there. Diff/all the diff. I'm talking, regular club or activity, even if only once per fortnight or even once per month. Or, alternatively, *literally* get out and about more, e.g., start to walk to more places, like round to your local shops, on a regular basis.

If you're totally passive about it, you give your parents the time and opportunity to beat you to it and arrange-marry you or, more likely, some young man's parents the opportunity to 'reserve' you.

To save time and ensure success, what you're looking for - in order - is [a] someone from solely the 'eligible pool', thus whom your parents would automatically approve of, future marriageability-wise, [b] out of which you then find/bump into someone with whom you can fall in-love equally reciprocally. Win/win (you and he) and win/win (parents).

Best of luck! :-)

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