I pushed my best friend away
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and, since then, I've felt so alone. I struggled with feelings of depression and solitude all throughout high school. Over time, I just became numb to the feeling, and it eventually turned into a security blanket. I spent so much time with my boyfriend that after the breakup, I had all this free time and no one to spend it with, and those feelings of loneliness came back in full.
I wanted to spend time with my best friend as a way to help me cope, but we no longer have any classes together. He's so busy with his classes, other friends, and other personal issues (which he no longer seems to share with me). We arranged to do homework one day, and he completely bailed on me last minute. Two days later, I went on a date and told him to text me at a certain time to make sure I was OK, and he completely forgot until I reminded him 3 days later.
The two instances were so trivial, but I couldn't help feeling like he was forgetting about me. I started feeling like I was more invested in our friendship, and I started becoming overwhelmed with my own insecurities. So a week later, I texted him and said that we couldn't be friends anymore. We then talked in person, and he showed so much emotion. It was everything I needed to hear.
However, I just couldn't drag him into my emotional instability. Not when we've already drifted apart. Not when he's struggling with his own problems. I know that as best friends, we're supposed to be each other's rock, but in my current emotional state, I can't even be my own rock. I regret destroying our friendship over my own insecurities, and I've apologized. I simply feel like I've ruined any chance at being best friends again. I tried reaching out over text because he lives off campus and we have no classes together, so it's hard to see him in person. It's been over 48 hours since I sent it.
I need help moving on...or if it's even possible, I want to fix this.
Well, you can only do so much, you did already send the text (I'm not sure your apology was warranted though - You did nothing wrong that I can see). You could try 1 more text, but I wouldn't come across as desperate because that actually pushes people away. I know that seem strange, but its true. I'd say, give him time; maybe he is just going through his own issues that he needs to deal with on his own. Its hard when friends are not there when you need them the most (I've been through this too many times to count), but there comes a time where your well-being is most important, and friendships can become subservient and more based on fears of the friend leaving you and constant worry rather than give and take friendship.
Focus 100% energy now on getting yourself better and secure in your own being and self esteem, and once you are right with yourself, you'll be able to be a "rock" for your friends and not have to walk on eggshells with your friends.
I hope I didn't make you feel bad by what I say, I mean well, and I do care.
I'm going to check this place ever day, so I'll be Here if you need me
Thank you so much! As weird as this may sound, a lot of the emotions I was experiencing were due to my period. My hormones just amplified everything I was feeling by ten fold, and it was hard to deal with.
I didn't feel bad all. You're comment really helped, and it was honeslty the sweetest response I could've gotten. Also, I think my best friend and I might actually pull through(: