I dont know
well ive been struggling with maybe being bipolar. ive never gone to the doctor about it. ive been thinking for a long while that naybe i was because my emotions are so extreme and they change so quickly but i never thought it was that big of a deal but its been getting worse and worse and i sorta feel like i cant deal with it anymore. and to make it even more worse i started dating this guy and i didnt even tell him about it but he got this whole idea about how he thinks im bipolar and it makes me feel horrible. i just feel nus and i feel like im a burden to him like i dont even know why he would want to deal with someone that crazy and emotional especially if its only going to get worse. and anyways recently my downs have been really down and ive felt kinda suicidal but only like the past two days and mainly at night then it goes away but it comes back and i dont want to kill myself but the feeling is terrible and i just want it to go away and i dont know what to do or how to deal with any of this.
I am manic-depressive, also, and have an idea of what our are going through. You are like me in that you're going through it longer than you need to.
The first time I took lithium for that, I felt like the air had been let out of a balloon, the release of tension was so great. I wondered why I hadn't gotten on lithium sooner. One of the keys is to be diagnosed right, so you can then get the right medicine. Without the right diagnoses they are going to give you the wrong medicine, and you aren't going to be helped.
You wrote: "and anyways recently my downs have been really down and ive felt kinda suicidal but only like the past two days and mainly at night then it goes away but it comes back and i dont want to kill myself but the feeling is terrible and i just want it to go away and i dont know what to do or how to deal with any of this.
You're halfway there. That is, you've reached out to a problem website. Now the other half is deciding to contact medical help, and then making the call for the appointment. You're oh, so close.
One saying is, "We learn when we fall down. We die when we don't get back up." Everybody is waiting to see what you do.
One of the things you can do is type in bipolar in the search engine, and write down the symptoms you may have. You can then show this to your psychiatrist. The doctor will only have 50 or so minutes with you on that first visit. You have all day, all week or more to look on the net and write down some of your feelings, etc.
Then show the data to the doctor. One of the things you're trying to avoid is being misdiagnosed. It can happen. I was misdiagnosed for probably 10 years. For instance, I was having panic attacks for a couple of years. My psy. couldn't figure out how to stop them. After years, I was finally put on lithium, and I never had another panic attack. See how misdiagnosing can foul up the works?
As for which psychiatrist? If you're going to a free or reduced-fee clinc, maybe look that up in phone book yellow pages, or on the computer yellow pages under "free clinic" for "your hometown." If you're looking for a private psy., look up on the search engine for "psychiatrist" for "your hometown" and make a choice, male or female as you choose.
You need to go ahead and do this, I waited too long also, and had a nervous breakdown. So, don't do like me and wait for a crisis. Go ahead and make that call.
As I tell my psychiatrist, "Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?" (Meaning, I didn't do anything when I was depressed for a long time, waiting for others to act, and it cost me. I could have looked in the yellow pages, picked up the phone and made an appointment.)
Also, as I try to tell myself: "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."
That is, of all the problems swirling around, especially if you're manic, pick one and only one, the most important one, and try to solve it. And be positive going into the situation, that you can solve it. It increases the chances that you will.
Below are some of the symptoms of mania (we all know the symptoms of depression):
•Disconnected and very fast (racing) thoughts
•Inappropriate elation or euphoria
•Inappropriate social behavior
•Increased sexual desire
•Increased talking speed or volume
•Markedly increased energy
•A decreased need for sleep due to high energy
PJVL already gave some pretty good advice. But there are 2 points he/she missed.
First of all, maybe your boyfriend is wrong. Maybe you aren't bipolar. But you definitely should talk to a psychologist about it, as this is definitely not an issue to be ignoring.
Second of all, I don't know you that well but it sounds to me like this conflict with your boyfriend is making your depressive states worse. Maybe you two had a bunch of arguments that didn't need to happen, maybe you have a trigger that makes you feel very low very suddenly, maybe you have mood swings that, being on the outside and never having to deal with them before, your boyfriend just doesn't know how to react.
HOWEVER: Do not ever think you're a burden to someone. You might yell at him sometimes, or feel clingy sometimes, but It's Okay. You two started dating because you like/love each other, because whatever reasons you 2 have. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't, so there must be a reason why he is still with you. You're there to support each other, and you shouldn't feel bad for getting someone's support. Always put yourself first, then the person closest to you second. He should be doing the same, too. If you both put each other first, and not yourselves, all that will be accomplished is mutual misery.
If you're ever feeling low, think/say to yourself "I should be happy. I need to be happy in order to stay mentally healthy. I need to be healthy if I'm going to help others, or to do what else I might want to do. If others aren't making me happy, I must find a way to do it myself. And I must remove myself from situations that make me unhappy, and seek help when I need it." It's a mouthful but you have to say all of it. Suicidal thoughts, even if they're just theories of what might happen, are serious business and if they aren't there because of depression, they will cause it. When you're depressed, your brain tries to rationalize why you SHOULDN'T be happy, why you SHOULDN'T ask for the help you need. Thinking this ^ to yourself whenever you're sad or numb will make healthy brain patterns and prevent yourself from believing the opposite.
I hope this makes sense to you, and that it helps.