Am I in an emotionally / verbally abusive relationship?
I have been dating a "great guy" for several months. We moved in together, and he's been amazing about helping me through a career transition (unemployed for a few months, starting a new job). Everything seems perfect.....except for when there is even a slight issue in our relationship.
Any time I bring up even the slightest thing that bothers me or I find hurtful, he reacts with sarcasm or is demeaning of how I feel. He tells me I constantly complain and bitch, that I'm a negative person, and that I'm never happy. I don't think any of these statements are accurate. I do think if there is something bothering you, you should speak up, address how you feel, find a compromise or resolution, and move on. Is that really that bad?
Am I the nag he says I am, or is he an emotionally and verbally abusive person?
Here is an example of a VERY mild text disagreement:
Jaquie: Avoidance creates distance. Whatever you're not saying "to avoid arguing" still is pushing me away, so how is that any better? You didn't touch me last night, you haven't said more than a few words today, you kiss me on the cheek and don't look me in the eye.... It's silly for you to say something isn't bothering you.
Whatever it is, I still hope you have a great day! I love you to pieces, babe!!!
He is definitely emotionally abusive. Any man that can not have a serious conversation about how you feel is not a man you want to be with. Ive been there. You can always sit him down and try to explain that you are hurt by the responses that he gives you, and that when you "complain" you are just trying fix any issues that could break the relationship up down the road. He may not realize how important this is to you, or his sarcasm is his way of hiding his own emotions. Maybe hes afraid of opening up too much. Dont get me wrong, I dont think its okay. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind. But, maybe try to explain the seriousness of the situation because like I said, he may not realize it means this much to you. If that doesnt work, its time to leave! Im a firm believer that we teach our significant others how we want to be treated. If you allow this behavior to happen now, he will think its okay to do it forever. And it is NOT worth it.
I'm confused by that text 'exchange'. Which part is yours and which his?
Read the book the verbally abusive relationship it's helping me.I yesterday was asked after a brief explanation of how my other half's day has been sht the worst ever hates his job(loved it a week ago)
He asked how my day was I said not wanting to tell how my day had been because his was worse I just said same sht,he then blows up on me about how his days not been normal like mine hos was worse I told him he had asked about my day n now os rubbishing my answer and that it's not fair.
He continued in his rants so I said bye and hung up,I sent him a tx stating that he'd asked me about my day then rubbished my reply and to call me later when he was fed and sorted because I'm done being snapped at to which he tx I'd shouldn't hold my breath and called me ignorant.I sent one further tx saying no its ignorant to ask a question only to rubbish the reply I said no I wouldn't hold my breath as I'd be long dead if ever I had done
I explained I know I can only change me and am settled with that so all I can do is change me
He replied stating he had not raised his voice to me or sworn I hung up then ignored him and he'd not message again until I apologised to him
I said nothing to this then today I get a tx saying "this proves you just want to argue with me and feel your situation equal to mine"
I sent the initial tx of him asking then rubbishing and to call when better as I'd take no further snapping
Were separated right now because ours did come to blows we are both to blame and I am putting my all into being aware of myself what I am and aren't doing and he has weekly therapy to address his issues
but I'm starting to wonder can he change
Ps loving with the dominator by pat Craven is really helpful for clarification of am I in an abusive relationship or being abusive.
I don't think any of us can form any definitive conclusions without greater data than that, about whether she tends to approach him wrong/tactlessly or he over-reacts regardless of how she approaches, particularly as the OP sounded like she and he were still in the heat of an argument thus bound to still feel like sticking pins in each other's effigy or colouring each other blacker than strictly deserved or warranted.
Always, Never, Whenever/Any/Every Time I... those are typical over-reactive mid-/post-argument statements.
JC, we need more data than that (assuming you haven't made up already?).
When did the change come of him being a great guy to being verbally abusive?