I can't move on from a person that hires escorts, I want my rationality back
Hi all, is the first time I write in a place like this, hope I can express my self properly. As a little bit of background,I'm 26 and I'm living in a foreing country for 3.5 years, since 1.5 years ago I'm here alone. I came in the first place with my (now ex)boyfriend, we were dating before we moved for 5 years. It was a friendly break up so we both took some time and move on.
After the break up I started a master degree as I came abroad to improve my future professional life perspectives. I met someone and we became friends, I'm very shy so is hard for me to meet new people. After 6 months of the break up, this person and I start having feelings for each other, as we both felt very lonely and spend lot of time together. But one day he told me he didn't wanted to hurt me, that I could do better than him, that he was using me to get over his break up (it was before we met).
I thought my feelings were intesified by the fact that I was alone and far from home, so I though I could just forget him. We were still friends, I found out he is bipolar and I wanted to help, I encouraged him to go to the doctor, which he did, but he refused to get medicated. We just kept being friends, knowing each other better, I found out he was very depressed because of his past and was here trying to run away from it, which it usually never works....
I decided to move to a cheaper apartment but I needed a room mate so he offered. I thought it could be good as we already know each other and I thought I had no feelings for him anymore. I was wrong, I had them, but I decided to not say anything as I didn't wanted to make him feel uncomfortable or add more stress to his life. I thought I could manage to forget him, as I've always been very racional. But I lost my racionality when my grandmother died a few months ago, I was very attached to her, and being so far from my family and not being able to spend with her her lasts years broke my heart. My room mate was supportive and that made my feelings grow stronger.
Recently he used my PayPal account (with my permission)to but some tickets but also, I don't know if it was a mistake or he did it on purpose, he bought a subscription for an ucranian website were you can find a girl (theoretically to marry her). I felt so hurt,I didn't realize my feelings for him were that strong. But at the same time I said ok, this is the kind of thing that forces me to erase every feeling I had and move on. He doesn't talk to me because he knows I found out and I guess he is embarrassed. The problem is that I think he does this because he trully believes he can't make friends o meet a girl without paying, he has no selfsteem at all and also there is his illness. And for some reason I feel I have a responsability with him and I don't want to just walk away, I want to help. I only have another closer friend here, but she's a mutual friend and I don't want her to know because it would be very uncomfortable for him.
I know helping him hurts me, because I know I should probably just put some distance and move on. I'm trying to go out more and meet new people, but is not easy. I just feel so stupid and angry at my self for letting this affect me so much. If I had my family and friends closer I guess I could manage this differently, but I just feel so overwhelmed...I just needed to tell someone.
I'm having an identical problem, perhaps from the reverse side. I'm manic-depressive. My wife died 6 years ago, and here by myself. Was trying to explain this situation to a woman about a week ago and I kinda confessed to her, "I'm lonely." Here's the situation. Meet a woman who was selling bikes on net, and I was donating them to kids (helping). She immediately began telling me of her problems, she was sex abused by a stepfather.
The woman I was with who was helping me said as we drove away, "We don't need to go back there anymore." I felt just the opposite. I wanted to go back and help her. The person who was helping me was right, we didn't need t ogo back there anymore.
I called this bike seller and she began going into her problems even more, and I began helping here with medical problems and what not. We began telling each other we loved each other, despite an age difference. She found an excuse to get over to my place and allowed me to have some physical contact, which dove me in deeper.
A week later, she said her roof was leaking and everything would be ruined. I loaned her some money and she didn't pay it back and didn't call back and didn't answer my calls. I realized she was a con artist.
After about 8 months, I called her about 3 weeks ago. It started all over again. This time, she said she was going to jail for something she didn't do, leaving scene of accident, DUI, but all of her drugs were doctor prescribed for back pain. Like an idiot, I offered to help her, since her court appointed lawyer wasn't doing the job she said.
I first said I would help her, sob story, the next day I said I'll help you with part of it, you'll have to pay a part, in case this was another con job, which it was. We found a lawyer, and on the day we were to go there, she said her court appointed said probably wouldn't have to go to jail, and she didn't need another lawyer.
My saying I would only help her with a portion of the fee really helped, but she also conned me again.
In the middle of that, she said she wanted to move in with me, that her boyfriend was giving her a difficult time. I said OK, I felt trapped. She would throw out lines like, "As for getting together, we'll have to work it out" and "We'll be helping each other" implying some sort of sexual reward, although that wasn't really going to be in the work except in my mind, and probably hers as a lure.
The next day or two, I thought about that and realized she could steal everything I've got. She's already stolen from me with the roof deal. I called her and cancelled that situation.
I have a feeling I've dodged two close ones. So I've been trying to call her back the last couple of days, she doesn't return the calls. I've been trying to call a con artist back. I realize there is something in my brain that is drawn to helping, even if it might hurt me. I've heard giving can be a sickness, and I believe it.
She's also told me she tried to kill herself about 6 months ago, but she stayed alive for her dog.
You said, "I think that I think he does this because he trully believes he can't make friends o meet a girl without paying, he has no selfsteem at all and also there is his illness. And for some reason I feel I have a responsability with him and I don't want to just walk away, I want to help."
One thing, I think the sex may be drawing you closer to this guy than you realize. It did with this female I've been talking about, even though it was just basically surface, it was enough to throw me completely out of kilter as far as rational thinking. It would probably be the same thing with out that, but a few I love you's every now and then.
You have he as "no selfesteem." This female I know talks suicide. You say, "he can't make friends." This woman talks about how horribly her boyfriend treats her (is that what draws her to supposed suicide?). "And also there is his illness (manic-depression.)" This woman was sex abused and is ill, very ill.
But she does give me somebody to talk to. And I can treat her like a little sister who I am helping. She make me feel important, strong. I can't advise you because I can't even advise myself. I can say, you're probably fixing to regret all of this.
I can say about myself, "I've had enough warnings, I know she wants to get over here to my house, I know I can't allow her to get into my house, for her boyfriend could be right behind her, and that would be a good situation for them.
I've told her, I just want to be your friend, but she's not capable of friendship. So there's no chance of that.
You said, "I know helping him hurts me, because I know I should probably just put some distance and move on. I'm trying to go out more and meet new people, but is not easy. I just feel so stupid and angry at my self for letting this affect me so much."
I think their illnesses are playing on ours.
Thanks PJVL9 for your response, actually is been very helpfull and help me realize some things, though for me is not a money con is true that is an emotional con also. We need to stay strong for ourselves, in the end if you don't love you no one would. And is also true that when you feel better about yourself you attrack more healthy people.