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My life is ruined.

Posted by
IDKWHATTODO
on Feb 17 2016 at 17:16
Member since: 17 February 2016
Emotional advice forum category advice forum category So here's the thing. I had been with a girl for 2 years. She was all I could ask for. We were perfect for each other in every way. Obviously something went wrong that we aren't together today. To start off I would like to say that I lied a lot in my life to everyone about an addiction I had in the past of marijuana. I used to smoke a lot and where I live it is not very acceptable. I lied to my girlfriend about this as well and she did catch me a couple of times too which broke her trust. Other than that I was always loyal honest loving and caring and never gave her a reason to complain. She never had any problems with me other than my smoking weed.

Honestly I feel I have her too much attention and she started taking me for granted after a certain amount of time but then again that's my fault I feel. She lied to me too and that too about things that really hurt me and made me question the ethics and morals of the girl that I was with. So here's the issue at hand. I still love the girl. I went to London to celebrate our two year anniversary with her. I forgot to mention earlier but I hope I am not judged by you guys or your opinions change due to my age which is 18. I know all of you will probably think I am way too young to think about marriage etc etc but please don't judge and just give me honest opinions or advice and I'd be immensely happy to read all of it.

Coming back to the story. I went to London to meet her which is crazy at my age since I did tell my parents that the relationship is serious and they were fine with it too. Over there she read a message on my phone which said something to do about a bong. At the time she thought that I was not smoking and honestly I wasn't smoking frequently at all though that is not an excuse. She broke up with me though I was sitting in London.

The minute she left me I broke down and started crying and howling and begging her to take me back and to not leave me. She stated that she would never be able to trust me again and I said that I would bring that trust back. In the end. I was given an ultimatum which was to either go back to college in California. Or come back to New Delhi India and continue my life here. Being the stupid teenager I am. I chose to come back here. Now there is no way that I can go back. After I did come back a few days later I got to know that she lied to me about a couple of things being in London. So the realisation hit me and it hit me hard as the big decision I took didn't sink in completely and then hearing that I took such a decision for someone who had lied really killed me and drowned me in my regrets.

Even after I got to know about her lies. Even after I made a big sacrifice for her everyday I used to hear things like "I am doing all that I can for you" and "I am making all the efforts to make us work" and these statements were thrown around by her as if I have never done anything for this relationship. All of this really made me realise what a selfish girl I was with who couldn't even see my pain.

I was so nice that whenever I was frustrated about the decision I made I never even spoke to her about I just so that she doesn't feel bad for me or so that she doesn't feel obligated towards me.

I kept it all in for her sake. Now today we have broken up and I broke up with her due to the same reasons where she acted selfish and kept acting as if I am nothing and she is doing me a favour by being with me and making efforts to keep us going. So guys there is no question I honestly just want people to read my story and say whatever they may feel like so at least I can know what others would do etc etc.

Ps. I still do love her and still firmly believe that she may be the one for me. In my head and in my heart I still do want this girl.

Reply from
DNBOYD
on Feb 19 2016 at 16:23
Member since: 19 February 2016
My boyfriend and I are going through something very similar. Trust can be broken so easily, but when you truly love someone, it is possible to earn the trust again. You were dishonest about smoking, but she has lied as well. She cannot judge you for only sinning differently than she does. If you gave her your heart and soul, she will regret leaving you one day.
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 19 2016 at 17:15
Member since: 19 August 2014
I think if you're honest you're doing that typical teenage sensationalist exaggeration when you say you were addicted. It doesn't sound like you were to me, and obviously, establishably, hasn't been the case for a while anyway. But I do believe you think/thought she's the one. However, how could you not if this was your first love and you know nothing else, nothing better at this early stage in your 'dating career'?

She isn't, though. That you two broke up, ostensibly for fairly tenuous reasons (aside from the frequent fib-telling), is all the proof you need on that score. When it's right/meant to be, there is no ending it (except in the heat of an argument, too quickly taken back again). And, actually, had you been dating someone who likewise occasionally but fairly regularly smoked Madge, there wouldn't have been a problem, would there; you'd have been happy, cosy, sometime-puffers-in-a-pod together. You are adults, now, after all, meaning, if YOU WANT to smoke it from time to time (especially if, like a lot of 'occasionals', it's because you don't get on with alcohol) then you can, and it's up to you to find people that accept that tiny side of you.

Furthermore, this was obviously long-distance and they're tricky even for us older 'professionals'.

So all in all, then, the strong impression I get is that for whatever reason - met someone else or someTHING else? - she was inches from needing an excuse to end it...which you then, ta-daaa!, provided, courtesy of that proof of yet another of the same ol' fib.

I'm not going to call it a lie because it became apparent to her too early on that you partook of weed. And you can't 'break her trust' unless you've said categorically beforehand that you'd never touched the stuff. Whether you did or didn't aside, all SHE had the right to do on finding out that first time, or, failing that, second time, if she found it so unacceptable, was to say, 'thanks but no thanks, I want a boyfriend who sticks to alcohol or doesn't touch *any* drug of any sort', not tell you you couldn't ever touch the stuff again (ya vull!) like she thought she were your keeper, mother or man-makeover executive ("I can chaaange him"...no, you can't, luv, grow up and wise up).

Anyway, what with trust being a mutual thing, if there had been enough trust in the first place then you'd have felt comfortable from the off in admitting this fact about yourself (think about it). So it seems to me that you were immediately trying to fit her idea of the 'perfect' boyfriend. If either of you are not yourselves, you can't call the connection real because what's connecting is RUSE.

There's someone far better suited for you out there, someone who has everything she had and which you appreciated about her, but with bells on. And I imagine *that* is why your instincts didn't try to stop you from agreeing to return to India... because unbeknownst to you, you had two agendas pulling you back there, one 'secret' but nonetheless sensed. At the moment, though, you're stuck in Limbo, waiting to see what it was you sensed was on Fate's agenda/in its schedule for you as had your 'feet' doing your conscious mind's bidding (using agreeing to what turned out to be just a fob-off proposition of hers as its cover excuse).

Something's going to unfurl, in other words, only you're not allowed to get your pressie now-now-now because the waiting in pain and confusion beforehand is life/fate's wee punishment for your having [1] settled and shape-shifted for a relationship that was under par (compared to what you're capable of and made for), [2] lied rather than tackled the issue about what she was entitled or not to prohibit, and rather than faced that she and you had this significant set of incompatibilities, and [3] trusted her/the relationship in the wrong ways yet failed to where concerned what should have been the right ways. NEXT time, you'll disclose this part-time habit of yours before the third date, i.e. once you can tell you're on your way to becoming an item, so that you then have the wherewithal to decide to [a] continue as you are and tough tittie or even bye-bye to the woman who can't hack that fact or [b] make the *willing thus sincerely meant* promise to cut it down or out. You can't alter/upgrade something about yourself just because someone else doesn't like it, in other words - won't work. As you saw. Making either decision has to be your prerogative and then you *will* stick to it.

But like you yourself say, in every other respect you behaved well and tried to please. I mean, crikey, that you went all that way to London 'just' to be there for her on your anniversary speaks volumes on that score. Someone who loved you would have been *thrilled*, *AND* would have used that demonstration as her cue to give you the benefit of the doubt when you tried to explain how the text message was not as negatively indicative as it appeared on the surface. Clearly, with her, your visit had the opposite effect and, as I say, meant she were primed to find any already established-as-meaty enough excuse to tell you it was over. And then she repeated her cowardice by making false promises, ones that had a huge impact on your life (because *she* doesn't know it's a blessing in disguise, does she, it could have been the undoing of you). Boo and hiss, give me an occasional secret weed-smoker that takes such humungous efforts for mine and the relationship's sake any day!

You're being too hard on yourself, in other words, and making too much of a meal over the cover excuse. I think she was ready to end it the relationship regardless of any text message and insistence on your part to continue a certain part-time lifestyle choice.

Probably it's just because she's not as ready as you to settle down first and do the career and whatever else afterwards. You clearly are seeking a 'home', a 'base' from which to THEN make explorations into the wider world, rather than the more popular way round.

So... Fast-forward to your trying to walk on eggshells and being the only one rowing in that little boat so as not to ruffle her threatening-to-end-it feathers when all along it was secretly already over (in her mind, I mean).

I think she's selfish and irresponsible, if you want my honest opinion. She should have stopped you from making the trip if that's how she secretly felt. And how cruel to end it when your partner's alone, thousands of miles from everything safe and familiar, in a strange city with no-one to console you. No wonder you howled and begged; I think anyone in that position would have.

Trust me, your pending next girlfriend (she who is likewise in Limbo as we speak) would never even dream of treating *anyone* like that, let alone her nearest-dearest.

All you have to do, now, is wait...but meantime switch the concept and sensation of waiting to 'spending' (time), by keeping yourself busy with as many fun and pleasing things, merely peppered with a damn good cry and mulling over of the events' whys and wherefores. Because you're almost there anyway regarding the 'what were truly whats', I can hear you are. Your rose-tinted glasses are down to your chin already. ;-)

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 19 2016 at 17:17
Member since: 19 August 2014
"She cannot judge you for only sinning differently than she does. If you gave her your heart and soul, she will regret leaving you one day."

(I didn't see that when I started.) Yep, that's one of the things I was trying to say, there it is! (I took the scenic route, LOL)

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?