Should I tell his fiancé he's been cheating on her?
I recently found out that the guy I've been seeing for 6 months is engaged to a woman and they recently had a child together. I feel sick for what I've done and I feel totally betrayed and lied to. Should I tell this guys fiancé that he's been cheating on her with me? Or should I leave it?
First off, *you*, LEIGHBETH, haven't "done" *anything*. You weren't to know, particularly as he obviously hid it very well. As far as you were concerned that whole time, he was single and available. So it's his crime, he who should feel sick.
But, yes, lied to and betrayed, and wanting justice - absolutely.
No, you don't leave it; that would be socially irresponsible (when the health of communities relies on the opposite). Whether you should partner up with Fate in securing justice by telling (or rather, WHO should be made to do the telling) and how you go about it depends entirely on your motives, assuming you want to avoid negative "goes around" and leave that nice surprise all to him.
Do you mainly want to 'get him' for having duped you or are mainly wanting to enlighten his wife for her sake plus the sake of sisterly solidarity and 'the next woman'? Tell me what the motivational split is between the two as a percentage (e.g. 60/40% or vice versa) and then I'll be able to fashion my 'prescription' to suit.
Leighbeth I am sorry to hear that you have found out the guy you are seeing is engaged. Not only does that hurt you that he has lied to you, but you now have guilt for his 'wife's' sake.
Personally I think you should tell the soon to be wife. But please do so as honestly and heartfelt as possible. After just having a child she will be tired, emotional, stressed out, and this type of news is going to be very hard on her. She may even blame you or try to deny it happened.
But if you just break it off, and try to ''save her the pain'' of not telling her....in all likely hood he will do it again, with someone else and then he will have cheated on her multiple times..and she will be even more hurt.
So yes I think you should tell her. It will get the guilt off your chest, hopefully save her pain in the long run, and also teach him that it is not okay to run around on your intended.
Yes obviously I am very angry at him, having lied to me all this time and I am very truly hurt deep down. I also fell very hard for him and he told me that he loved me. But a part of me also feels very sorry for his fiancé and child who know nothing about this. I would say this is 40/60%. He still says that he cares so much for me. I feel so terrible about this, his fiancé would be distraught if she found out and I'm not sure if I want to make someone feel that way that I do now.
You are not in a good situation.
There is nothing you can do that is right. If you tell her, you will be breaking her heart. If you don't tell her, you will be protecting a jerk. So, there is nothing you can do that is right.
It's also not right, that you will be caught like a vice in the middle. You will be angry at him, but you can't do anything about it. You will be wanting to vent to her, but you can't, for you will hurt her.
You will be the one who suffers, and you can't do anything about it.
How do Iknow so much about your situation? Because I went through the same thing for 29 years in my marriage, in which I knew that my wife was cheating with a certain guy, but I couldn't do anything about it. We had a child, and were buying a house. I didn't want my child to be without a father in the home, and I didn't want him to be without a mother in the home.
I wanted two paychecks under the same roof, for my sake and for my child's sake. There was nothing I could do.
What if I told the woman who was married to man who was cheating with my wife? They had 2 children. Uh, oh. Do I knock on her door and tell her that, knowing it will ruin her marriage and will be havoc for her and the kids? Do I want her 2 kids to grow up with only one parent in the home?
There's nothing you can do. In my case, I went to the heart doctor with chest pains quite a bit. If you tell her, the child suffers, also. If you don't tell her, she'll probably find out down the road, anyway. So, it doesn't matter what you do.
What did I do? My wife died of a long illness after 29 years of bad marriage. I couldn't tell the other man's wife while my wife was still alive, for my wife was pathological, and it wouldn't be nice for me. After she died of a long illness, I allowed myself to figure out what was going on, knowing there would now be no penality in the house if I figured it out, so I wrote a some 15 page letter to whom it may concern, and sent it to a fellow employee of my wife and this man, and allowd her to do with it as she choose.
Send it to the wife of the man, put it into circulation and maybe it would get to a good friend of the wife of the man, wo might hear this wife say, "I just want to know the truth." I wanted to know the truth, too, so, I would know what she would want.
Also, I had a lot of facts that I didn't want to go to waste, while she might wither in doubt. I knew the truth, if she wnted to hear it. It's just that, I didn't want to be the one who told her the truth.
So I wrote it in a letter. If you know someone who knows the wife, maybe send the friend a letter telling all. I didn't even do that. I didn't send my letter to a friend of the wife. That would have been stressful, also. I sent the letter to someone who worked with the woman's husband, so that word might get around to a friend of the wife.
Very stressful, very delicate situation. If ou know a woman who is not friend's with the wife, but who knows her, you could send the letter to her. If one of the wife's friends hears of the letter and getw a copy of it, and she hears the wife sy, I just want to know the truth, the frined of the wife could say, "I've heard of a letter that talks of this situation, if you to see a copy of it."
That's a possibility. Bottleing it up isn't easy, either, and protecting a jerk at the same time. I wrote it in a letter and mailed it to someone. That's how I handed the stress, and the situation. I'll put it this way, I haven't had chest pain in the last six years, and, I don't have any stress about that.
How did you find out? Looks like you were his side chick for the last six months of his GF pregnancy. Now that you know who he really is, stop listening to his line " He says he still cares" really?? I would tell her, why should his behavior be protected.
"Yes obviously I am very angry at him, having lied to me all this time and I am very truly hurt deep down. I also fell very hard for him and he told me that he loved me. But a part of me also feels very sorry for his fiancé and child who know nothing about this. I would say this is 40/60%. He still says that he cares so much for me. I feel so terrible about this, his fiancé would be distraught if she found out and I'm not sure if I want to make someone feel that way that I do now."
In that whole paragraph you gave your feelings of hurt and betrayal predominance, priority, greater elaboration *and* then categorically said 'a PART of me'. So in fact it sounds like the ratio is actually 70/30 in terms of justice versus guilt/broad-based empathy (fairenoughski, considering she's a total stranger). In that case, don't tell her, tell HIM - that you're giving him ONE MONTH to come clean to his poor wife (and want some sort of indisputable evidence he has) and, if he fails to, you'll do it for him (as is your right as enforced/manipulated/unwilling aider-abetter).
Distraught now, distraught later, what's the difference, except for greater pain the longer she's kept in the dark and all-round treated like a no-mark by her own so-called (hot air) husband? And yes, that he cheated on his wife, for the entire second and third trimester plus/still going, makes him a gobsmackingly selfish piece of scum. So who CARES if a piece of scum "still cares" about you? Whoopie-bloody-doo, right?
I am still firmly in the camp of tell her in the nicest way.
I would NOT pass around a letter. I know that worked for PJV but that could cause severe embarrassment that everyone knew about it before you...and they can pass it around and laugh and love it...
If you do want to write it down in a letter...give it straight to her. Or pop it through the letter box when she is away or something. No one else.
The only thing that would make knowing this even worse, is knowing that a whole group of people knew first and now you feel a fool too.
"The only thing that would make knowing this even worse, is knowing that a whole group of people knew first and now you feel a fool too."
Yup. It's in the top 10 of the first thing betrayees say, and that it leaves them feeling like not only did their nearest-dearest betray them but whatever size sector of their immediate society too, compounding the whole sense and adding humiliation as the devastating cherry on top.
Saying that, however - intention is everything. So if you even SUSPECT, LB, that a part of you were doing it in order to cause them to break up, just via her instead of any failed attempts via him, so that he has to 'choose' to become exclusive with you, then - I wouldn't, or you'll just be storing up for yourself some mighty huge "comes around".
Not that I think this is the case where you're concerned, just saying (for any readers in the same situation).
But the woman has had her power and control and means to fundamentally self-protect taken shoddily away from her, meaning, *someone* with decent morals and a sense of responsibility towards others, *as well* someone who can relate first-hand to how horrid it feels when you find out you've been so massively conned, needs to hand it back to her toute suite. That means you, I'm afraid. But it'll be VERY good for your sense of self-pride and -value, that I guarantee. And there are big, very real, often life-transforming off-shoot benefits to that (you'll see).
Don't worry about any knee-jerk chagrin from her towards you, either. Assuming she knows you dropped him like the dirty hankie he is the minute you found out, she can 'hate' you now/for a few days for being "the other woman" but be immensely grateful to you later and for the rest of her life for having given her cause not to lose faith in humanity as a whole (despite she married a git).
Agree with SOULMATE- He needs to deal with the consequences of his manipulative,deceitful snake game he's being playing with both of you. You shouldn't assume you were his first or the only one. As they say knowledge is power, she deserves to know the truth so can use her power to make decisions for her life based on the real reality.
"You shouldn't assume you were his first or the only one."
Good point well worth considering, actually. If he'd 100% betray his wife (*and*, now, baby) when pregnant with their very first child then how much easier would it be to do so or similar during situation normal? Very, I'd say. But if not, if this is his first such offence, then, unfortunately, it's still a very good indication of how incapable he is of coping when not the constant centre of the woman's attention, no matter if no fault of hers and just a product of a perfectly normal situation/development (one he should be thrilled about), which would be further confirmation of his gross immaturity and "me-me-me" attitude. So he's not looking like a catch whichever way you look at this, LeighBeth.
(Yet another) small boy in grown-up-man suit.