I’m trying to understand where things stand w/ a guy
I’m trying to understand where things stand w/ a guy. We went to high school together in the 90’s. (I had a crush on him then.)
Since then, he’s been married twice:
* to a woman w/ BPD, w/ whom he has 2 children (who has caused - & continues to cause - unbelievable drama), &
* to a non-personality-disordered woman who cheated.
He puts in long work hours as a truck driver.
We reconnected via a dating app (that he said his sister talked him into signing up for) & have been sleeping together for over a year. Neither of us is seeing anyone else.
I have feelings - including a great deal of respect - for him & would like this to go somewhere. (After all, isn’t that the point of dating?) But … he either has one foot on the break … or simply sees me as a f*ck buddy. Out of nowhere, he’s said “I don’t want a relationship.” Yet when I bring things up (via text), he always says “relax & see what happens” & that I need to be patient. He’s also told me that I’m “over thinking things” & “missing the big picture.” (I have absolutely no clue what that meant.) In the past, he’s said “we’re doing things backwards” & recently he’s said “when you rush into things, you make mistakes.”
I tend to be an anxious person, & it’s very difficult for me not to know how he feels about me or what his intentions are. I don’t want to be pushy, but I don’t want to waste my time, either.
Is he just being (rightfully) cautious, or is it just sex? Because he seems to be a man of character (& because I care for him), I want to believe it’s the former. But anxiety & self doubt keep me considering the latter.
Id give things a little bit more time.
You must understand that its only normal for him to be so cautious after two unsuccessful marriages. Our past experiences and the people of it really build up who we are today.
Does he know about your feelings towards him? Maybe you should try to confess them to him . slowly though . take your time and try to make things more relationship like. Try to suggest going on more dates and enjoying activities together and also try to talk with him about things that matter and are meaningful and even about the future now and then. Do it only at the lenght that you see he feels comfortable though. If he doesnt seem to be ever intrested into doing any of that try and confront him. Explain to him how serious your feelings towards him are and how important it is for you to know if your relationship has a future . But as I said,take your time before finally confronting him.
All best luck
He invited me to his place last night. I stopped and bought some alcohol (for courage) on the way up there.
When I brought it up, he responds in (what I took to be) an irritated voice "oh now you're gonna lay all this on me?" I felt as if I were doing something horribly wrong.
I wasn't trying to make him mad. I just need to know. (And when I'd brought things up via text, he had always said "we'll talk about it in person.")
He said that he likes me ("if I didn't like you, I'd be sleeping vs. having you up to visit") but that he doesn't want a relationship. He said that love takes time and that people have to be patient and get to know each other.
He went on to say that he can't have a relationship right now because he wants to get settled and build a house and he doesn't want to spend money on a woman. He asked "do YOU have a house?" Then he asked me what I'm doing with my life and said "you can't keep up with me." (I'm paying my way through college. At times I work two jobs. He's knows that.)
I have never, ever asked him for anything. (In truth, gifts and such have always made me very uncomfortable.) What I want is a best friend and PARTNER, not a sugar daddy!!! (As a Myers Briggs ISFJ, I need to be needed, to take care of those that I love.)
And he flat out said that, in some regards, he was "fucking with" me.
And he was like "you don't love me; you don't know me enough to love me." (Then he imitated an infatuated, giddy teenaged girl.)
I left and cried the whole way home. I'm trying not to cry now.