Loneliness ruining my life
I've been dealing with loneliness romantically all my life practically but I've hit a new low recently. I'm currently flat broke right now and have wasted all my money on Craigslist/backpage sexual encounters in order to fill the void of loneliness. Before that it was various porn and webcam sites. I've tried the normal route when it comes to establishing romantic relationships but every time has ended in rejection. I had a horrifying one back in the summer of 2014 when I was rejected by a close friend of mine who I got along great with that I STILL harbor a lot of resentment about to this day. I know that paying for sex and virtual sex with cam girls and pornography and such is unhealthy but I can't stop myself from engaging in it, even though it's destroying me.
How do I overcome this void of loneliness? And keep in mind that every woman I tried talking to, I got along great with and had lots of stuff in common with and I was still rejected. Especially the most recent one that I have resentment towards. So basically even if I were to get along great with some other person in the future it doesn't really mean anything and this really scares me. What kind of world do we live in where common interests, mutual rapport, and shared laughter with one another mean absolutely nothing? But I'm aware that the above coping methods aren't good for me but I feel too lonely to quit them and am stuck in this self destructive loop and don't know what else to do. Despite the financial trouble I'm in, I STILL can't shake the resentment I have towards my friend about the last rejection I experienced. I feel like if I hadn't been rejected by her or anyone else or had been in a relationship this whole time then I probably would not have felt the need to waste my money on cam sites and sex with prostitutes. I need help because loneliness and the need for sex is controlling my life and I don't know what to do.
I'm giving you a female's perspective on being with someone who has been used to the same path as you, don't give up dating due to past relationships. That's all it is, the past. There will be someone who comes along that will see what makes you good and doesn't care about your past. It's just up to you on if you truly don't want to continue down the path that has brought you to this website. You're dealing with a habit and they're hard to break but if you really want to get out of this loop, you need to work on changing how you view yourself. Viewing yourself negatively from past situations will only make your struggle worse because people can sense when someone has a negative vibe about them.
One thing I suggest is that you try a regular dating site and when you meet someone, take things slow so you and the woman can grow into a relationship. Don't think about sex and don't allow her to talk you into a type of relationship that is not what you want (friends with benefits, open relationships)because from what I read, you don't want that. But...the biggest thing is to change how you're seeing yourself and if you're struggling to do it alone, save up that money and talk to a professional.
I have a man that I actually fell in love with that has done a similar path and is so used to that path, he is unable to express intimacy or provide commitment. At least not to me...but I've been trying so hard to make him see I love him and give him my all despite the path he has been down the last 10 years.
Someone will see the good in you but you can't give up because if you do, you may miss out on a woman who will want to commit to you.