I hate who I am and I hate my family
Once upon a time I was a little girl who dreames of getting away from my family, getting rich and leaving the country. I was tired of my embarrassing family, I was tired of their simple minds and especially tired of hearing - it's not good to speak English all the time. You must know who You are.... and .. Who's going to marry You if You can't cook or clean..
So I decided a few things , I wasn't going to Marry , I wasn't ever going to have children and I wasn't going to learn my language because I'd eventually be leaving High school anyway. I was tired of being told who to be and decided I'd live life on my own terms.
I mean I was an affair baby, my Dad was married with kids when He ran off with his kid's friend... my mother.The same woman who acts like SUCH a saint. I never understood my parents relationship, I always felt like He was too stupid and ugly for Her. He was abusive and We'd have physical fights- you know, totally normal for a father and daughter to beat each other up. Mom never did anything, She never had a voice of Her own
My cousin died after spending a life oof being in gangs and engaging in drugs. Most of my uncles died and the last one standing was an alcoholic. You would think that being bright in school and living in poverty would encourage Me to change my life but No
So College happened ...
Then everything changed
I broke my pact to stay a virgin
I tried drugs
I flunked college twice yet in Highschool I had straight As
Was sexually assualted by two brothers
Got forced into pregnancy by an Older Man with kids who later abused Me once I had no other place to stay, He has the baby now . And I can't help thinking that it's for the best since I never wanted to be a mother anyway
So now I'm living with My Aunt away from the city where the rest of my family are. Boy do I hate them all. It's like they're so delighted that despite being the first in my family to study further I messed it all up. My Aunt loves saying I'm stupid because though I've had some education, I can't cook or clean.
I honestly don't care about that, I do my chores but I'm not passionate about it and why should I be? There's more to life as a woman than being a doting future wife. But in this town being domesticated is everything.
Or rather it's My Aunt's attitude that really annoys Me. Being lazy apparently makes Me stupid. If I don't open the windows or wash the pots I'm stupid. If I don't answer her EVERYTIME she calls, I'm Evil. I really hate Her. She belongs in the Stone Age. She also loves reminding Me that my mother is crippled and works hard but I'm so lazy . I'm the way I am because I DON'T CARE. She's always calling my mother to diss Me.
She even punched Me once cause she forgot She took my money and accused me of lying. I'm really trying to clean up and help around but noooooooo I have to be a slave here .
I keep thinking about suicide because I can't handle it
My friends are in Milan or starting businesses while I'm stuck here unemployed with No zest for life while being treated like a slave
I meant to say, I wasn't going to learn my language because I'd eventually leave the country anyway
And the two brothers that assualted me are not my brothers..
To add to all this
And I'm seriously venting here
I've tried to run away from my family and now I've BECOME them. My Aunt expects Me to respect Her while She disses Me and puts Me down. My mother wants Me to put up with it and "change my ways". Apparently the neighbours saw Me smoking a cigarette and told My Aunt who was more than Happy to call My Mother.
It's MY lungs, whose business is it if I smoke. But no I'm a woman so this is clearly an immoral act. I'm 22 and they're all acting like I'm 16. Like I'm such a Baaaaad person cause I smoke. I'm an Artist, I honestly don't care about being acceptable and I'm seriously tempted to choke My Aunt to death. At least in jail, I'll be free to smoke what I want and will never have to see my stupid family again
You're me. Complain, complain, complain.
You're also like me in that, you might be manic-depressive.
I know, at 22, you don't know that. I didn't know it at 22, either. I had a nervous breakdown at about 27, after getting fired from a job, and in being isolated in my apartment, I got depressed, and I was really upset at my mother 225 miles away, who was not even in my life so how could I complain about her (she didn't raise me right, I was saying).
Then I went to visit her, and was basically screaming at her, and she said, "You need to see a psychiatrist," and I thought that meant I was crazy, for I had been screaming at her and other for several days, and depressed for a few weeks before that, and I had a nervous breakdown.
I was able to get to a psychiatrist, who put me on medication; I think it was the wrong medication, but it was better than none, for it calmed me down and made me quit screaming at my mother and others.
One tip off here is that you dispised and were very angry with your parents, then you moved in with your aunt, and you are very angry with her. If I told you, you brought the anger with you, you would probably me angry with me.
But as a manic-depressive, I can tell you that, for I'm the same way. I'm not saying these people are not worthless. I'm saying, you like me for many years, are not getting out of the orbit of those terrible people.
I was like that, also. You can't tell me a thing. But I can tell you a few things, because I'm a manic depressive, also. But I'm a manic depressive who is now on medicine, lithium, which brings down my mania, and improves and helps lift my depression. I'm also on an anti-depressant, and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, who'll be saying, "How's it going? How's your medicine? Are you thinking about hurting yourself or others?" You know, a real personable lady.
So, you can't see that now, I couldn't, either. All you see is how bad these people are. And they are bad. But we're nuts. And all we can see is how bad they are, but what we can't see is how bad off we are, because we're nuts.
You said, "I flunked college twice yet in Highschool I had straight As" Might be because your manic struck when you were in college, while in high school it was still under control.
You said, "So I decided a few things , I wasn't going to Marry , I wasn't ever going to have children and I wasn't going to learn my language because I'd eventually be leaving High school anyway. I was tired of being told who to be and decided I'd live life on my own terms."
You know, all very admirable. All very original thinking. All not wanting to be a part of the mold. Which is very good. But we can't leave the planet earth with our mania because there is no oxygen out there. We have to stay grounded, for our benefit. "Reach for you stars, but keep your feet firmly on the ground," a well-known redio announcer used to say.
You don't like housework. Manic-depressives are horrible with housework. Nobody understands manic depressives, so you need to work to get on your own. It's not always possible, but at least we know what our goal is, to get away from the son of a bitches.
You said, "And I'm seriously venting here" You see what you are doing.
You, you original you, might want to check the net search engine for manic-depression, or, bi-polar, and see how many traits you have. If you find that, you might want to call a psychiatrist, man or woman , your choice. You don't have to do anything they might suggest, just listen to what they say, which will be based on what you just said. Get a second opinion beside your own.
The lithium helped calm me down. It will not distort your thinking, your originality. It will make it so you are able to put your originality into play, which will help you get away from these people.
When I took lithium for the first time, I felt like the air had been let out of an over-inflated balloon. I don't know how anybody lived with me, I was so hostile and critical. I didn't know I was under that much stress on an everyday basis, until I took lithium and it calmed me down, not like a tranquilizer, but it calmed me down.
You'll wish you had taken lithium, or some newer type medicine, sooner. You need to give it a fair trial, rather than being an expert on everything, as I was.
s I still think my mother is a jerk, and my brother and sister, I just don't holler at them all the time. I've managed to get away from them.
I got away from my mother, she passed away from an illness. My brother and sister live in different towns, and as their actions got worse and worse, I just stood up to them, and don't answer their calls, etc. It took awhile, and it's not always possible, family reunions and what not, but sometimes good things do happen, and I don't ever see them.
You said, "I'm an Artist, I honestly don't care about being acceptable." There's nothing wrong with that. That's admirable. You can be proud of that. But you'll be a better artist when you can calm down and practice your art.
"I've tried to run away from my family and now I've BECOME them"
As I said, you are very original.