Anything to be concerned about?
I have been married for 3 months , my wife just accepted a new job that requires a good deal of travel (3-4 nights a week). A male coworker with whom she will be training with recently texted asking which email address she would be using . She responded with the email address and mentioned she wasn't used to her new last name yet ( which is Duck). He responded " It could be worse it could be Cock " followed by a smiley face , then immediately said "shouldn't have said that ." ( in the same message ). She responded "haha. It's easy to misspell ." Is this something to be concerned about or am I overreacting ? I don't talk to my wife like that and I sure as hell don't want anybody else. This is supposed to be a very professional job with a big company .
I'm generally a jealous guy, but it sounds like she was playing it off cool - like she doesn't want to be the new conservative b*tch at work that has an attitude about everything; that doesn't appeal. But also I can see it, logically, being interpreted as a flirtatious response - as if it was an effort to keep the conversation going.
I would express your concerns with your wife and have her clear up any misunderstandings that there may be. I think this would be a typical issue early in marriage, especially if you guys are younger and are still taking in the commitment of marriage. Ask her to see it from your perspective also.
All I see so far is:
- Him using inappropriate language and conduct in what is still a business setting and context with someone who's still a brand new colleague, in his attempt to fast-trackingly forge a sense of professional alliance (both being in an unfamiliar, insecure situation with presumably no other staff allies yet). For all he knew, she could have reared up at him and complained to their boss about that taking of liberty. And he clearly appreciated that as soon as he said it, hence his 'same breath' attempt to backtrack.
- Her *not* getting snotty over his overstepping of the mark on that score, including the inappropriate language, for the exact same "same boat" reasons.
They're both nervous newbies and only have each other, in other words. I expect, her knowing that, that's why she let him off this first time.
Saying that, however: which email address she'd be using FOR WHAT? Why does he need her email address, especially as there he is, already texting away as suggests it'll suffice? Do they need to be able to share documents or something? Additionally, if he only wanted them to bond as same-situation colleagues in time for the training trip, why take the pee out of her new/your surname? Ov awll the jokes in awll the woyld.... But that could be because it was the first and only obvious opportunity. So, at this stage/as things stand, I'm afraid you don't have enough to pass *any* firm judgement over towards the negative and too much background data not to give him and she both the benefit of the doubt.
One comfort, I imagine, assuming you're just especially insightful and perceptive, enough to see warning signals before most folk, is this clearly overlooked 'little' fact and indicator: if he tends to make potentially contentious or insulting faux pas so readily and prematurely like that then I doubt he'll last long in what you state is a particularly professional and respected corporation, anyway, do you? Is he going to blurt like that in front of clients, is he? Answer: why wouldn't he, particularly when you add the same dollop of nervousness.
PS: Another angle: Woman, particularly 'serfistikayted' business ones used to rigid codes of workplace conduct, are sticklers for correct adherence capabilities. So I imagine she secretly already thinks he's the only c*ck around here. He may as well have just burped or farted loudly down the phone at her followed by giggling like a schoolboy.
Update , this guy is not a new fellow coworker , he is a boss with whom she will be training with . Should I address this or just let it ride ?
After working for different global companies for years, be assured that they all have normal human beings working for them. They all quote the same mantra that their employees are their greatest asset but their employees are just average, everyday people working for a 'professional' company. You can take one these employees and put them with a Mum and Dad business with no share holders, where they would be expected to act just as 'professionally'.
Your wife has chosen to work with this company and it's up to her whether she needs to stay there or not. The banter between her and a boss who is training her is acceptable in to some people and insulting to others, but it's up to her whether she accepts it or not. She has a HR dept to support her if she needs it.
Your biggest concern should be her absence during the week which will test both of you considering your recent marriage. Yes, it's expected for your wife to discuss everyday workplace experiences with you but she's in charge of her career and you need to trust her to deal with 'left field' experiences when they happen (and there will be quite a few) because there's nothing you can do other than support her in your role as her husband away from the workplace.
BASS, if he's her boss then it was she he were attempting to put at-ease (although, saying that, he could be socially a bit inept despite having business-conducive skills in other areas?). But I agree, it's not the sort of base banter you'd expect from a boss, humour-level-wise.
Anyway, if he's one of her bosses-stroke-trainers then surely he'd have known her surname long before that text conversation?
I don't think you should address this, except conversationally with your wife in terms of how bad-mannered and over-familiar it was. And although neither would I advise to let it ride, if that means, forget it, I don't think you have much, if all, to worry about, no. Just keep one-half eye on the situation, if need be following said chat.
Let us know, however, if anything else perturbing arises?
Thanks for all the input , I think I'm going to just let it slide this go round and keep an eye on the situation . The harder thing to deal with is her being gone all the time .
(Sorry for the delay.)
"The harder thing to deal with is her being gone all the time ."
Well, that's a completely different kettle of fish, issue-wise, then, isn't it.
So what was your mind up to - trying to join dots which may or may not exist, between why she would even want a job that takes her away from you so often, considering you two have only just got it together, and this boss's over-familiar behaviour, as if connected in terms of her subtly leaving herself open to 'better' offers?
What, apart from the routine travel aspect, were her reasons for accepting this job rather than any other similar that didn't include travelling? Did she even have that choice?
One word ....Money .
She had a job , she left it for more money .
(Sorry x 2 - I'm not getting alerts for this thread for some reason.)
She, personally, needs more money or the marital piggybank? And to the extent where she'd prefer it to getting to spend greater time at home with you?
Why? Didn't your salary combined with her old salary suffice?
The marital piggybank , she thinks the more money you have the better off you will be. She thinks being gone 4 days and 3 nights a week isnt that bad. Our salaries combined sufficed .
Ah. Now I see why you're feeling worried and precarious. However, it's not necessarily down to anything ominous.
Bear with, I'll be back on tomorrow.
So, BASSMAN, some questions (if you're still reading?):
1. How long did you date before marrying?
2. Did you cohabit first? How long for?
3. Were you aware she was more ambitious than you in this way?
4. Were you aware she intended to upgrade her job and salary before the wedding? If not, when did she announce it?
5. Your salary and her prior one sufficed when it came to what?
6. Is there something she or you or the pair of you need or wish you could afford but need to save up for, as might explain why she chose such a job, including so soon after the wedding?
1. A little less than 2 years.
2. Not full time , about 3 or 4 days a week.
3. I was somewhat aware, I knew she wasnt all that happy with her current job.
4. I was not aware that she intended to pursue this job, she applied for it about a month after our wedding.
5. It was suffice to pay the bills, do what we wanted and still have some left.
6. Nothing in particular.
The job description listed 50% travel, I tried to voice my concern about that. She downplayed it and said it wouldnt be that much.
It that much, sometimes more.
"2. Not full time , about 3 or 4 days a week."
"4. I was not aware that she intended to pursue this job, she applied for it about a month after our wedding."
"6. Nothing in particular."
"She downplayed it and said it wouldnt be that much.
It that much, sometimes more."
Culture shock. Leading to a need to 'dilute down' the situational intensity to a more manageable level (as a starting/weaning-on point)...akin to Semi Long-Distance. Sense?
(Been there, done that, by the way.)
But let's check that out: What's she like upon return from a biz trip? Towards you/romantically, I mean? Does she act either shy or rip your clothes off with her teeth?
I would say somewhere in the middle, about normal for her . No big deviance from the norm.
Could you explain what you mean by the culture shock a little more ?
She's not coming back over-hungry yet neither is she coming back with guilt that requires 'cancelling/drowning out'.
You're Black Forest Gateau (and PacMan). Delicious but VERY filling/giving (and cutely appealing but ravenous/greedy). Her appetite can't handle the reality, the actual eating of it/you (and reciprocal feeding), despite the preconception and prior sampling were obviously highly attractive. Not until her naturally (female) smaller appetite's had time to increase, along with her stomach size/capacity (- you didn't do any test-run of living together, did you). So she's quickly bought herself more time in which to adjust, without HER having to be seen to hold you a little more at arm's length and risk pointlessly upsetting and disappointing you, just the (oh so helpful) situation (justified by 'needing more money'). Weaning herself *on*.
Perversely enough, it's actually a compliment, you over-gorgeous thing you! :-)
Just give her more time and understanding for acclimatizing and adjusting to the giant step up... or, should I say, to finish making that climb.