Insecure / verbally abusive / low self esteem boyfriend
Right, been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 6 months.
Last time I was adamant it was over and blocked him from every phone , social media and told him I went to the police because of him threatening me (again).
From early on he was very insecure and felt inferior and that I was going to find another guy that's better than him.
I reassured him more than enough and to be honest I didn't need this in my life.
He smoked weed morning noon and night, had no job and this was a deal-breaker considering he told me he wasn't addicted to weed and had a job. But the more the relationship developed the more things unraveled. He vandalised my car and caused so many vile arguments that I nearly ended up despising him.
Anyway he finally contacted me even though I had blocked him. He said he had stopped the smoking and today he got accepted to go back to college and that I was the love of his life and can't live without me etc and pleading with me for another chance.
Hopefully this is a new beginning and his insecurities and self esteem issues are going to be left behind and we can move on BUT I'm not so naive, and I can't trust him not to end up being like he was again.
He has to gain my trust again, he knows that but what I'd like to know if anyone has had to deal with a man like this and if so what was your experiences? Am I being completely foolish? Do I get him to see a therapist ?
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Your responsibility in this situation is to yourself and to yourself alone. It's your BF's call to go to counseling etc and it's his call to turn his life around. It's not up to you to get him to see a therapist. You don't have to be there to support him if and when he does this but that's your choice and only you can make that choice.
Addicts have a long road to walk when they attempt to recover and it takes a strong partner to support them, but it's the addict who has to do all the hard work themselves. If you have had to go to the law in the past because of his behavior, then you need to step back and ask yourself why you had to do this. You need to realize that you have never been responsible for his actions and you never will be.
It's his addiction, his insecurity and his low self confidence but it's your life. It's all OK for him to state that you are the love of his life, but what about you?
I'm responsible for letting him in my life and that's another way of saying I accept his behaviour.
I didn't see him for a few weeks and he said it was the worst feeling in the world and I'm his world etc.
I told him to explain to his family that all this arguing is because of him , because I feel so so embarrassed that he's pulled my name through the mud and they've seen him act like that.
He just doesn't seem to have self control , I mean he seems to just follow what I do and say. He structures his life around me and I feel smothered.
This is causing me to have lost a bit of respect for him. Is he just lovesick! Is it normal to be like this when your in love?
I literally made him go to the shop today to get some breakfast into himself.
I do love the guy and care about him but I'm a realist.
Is all this crazy or do I give him this last chance to prove himself and that he's changed?
Yes of course if you accept his behavior then you have made the decision to be with him regardless if he has embarrassed you by belittling your name. In other words, you love and care for him enough that you are happy to to have to go through all the drama just to be with him. You are prepared to support him while he sorts his issues and you are prepared to do this despite stating that you're a realist. Arguing is conflict and conflict wrecks relationships as you have found out first hand and to the extremity, that in the past, you have had to go to the law because of his threats.
It doesn't matter that he states that he needs you and can't be apart from you and that you are being smothered by his neediness, you don't have to do this if your instinct is rebelling against it. Your relationship has no trust as it stands now and if he doesn't have any self control, then he's relying on you to pull him through but he needs to have the determination to 'stand tall' to do this himself. You owe him nothing but you need to be true to yourself to do the right thing by yourself...however, if you have a NEED to be with him, then so be it.
Some people will say that it's crazy, considering his addiction and the adverse effects of it which you have experienced, while others will state the opposite, but it's your choice who you have in your life....it's that simple.