I've been married almost 18 years to a woman I love dearly. From the moment we got engaged my family has not liked her or ever tried to get to know her. Over the years I tried being neutral. I never would take up for my wife because I new if I did my family would never admit that they were treating her wrong and would just get mad and treat her worse. We don't live close to them and generally would only see them 5 or 6 times a year. I also thought that over time as they seen how much I loved her they would eventually come to accept her. They never did.
Finally after all those years of being treated like an outsider my wife blew up and told them off on a social media site. I did not agree with the way she went about it and got mad and withdrew from her. It created a huge strain on our marriage and we seperated. We are trying to reconcile but she will only agree to get back together if I break off all contact with them.
I love my wife and my family and don't know if what she is asking is fair. She thinks the only way our marriage can survive is with them not in my life at all. Really don't know what to do so thought I would see what other peoplethink.
You can't blame your wife for sounding off at your family after all these years,(and you're correct)she's gone the wrong way about it by using social media. She needed to speak to them face to face and discover the real reason why they have never accepted her. You, on the other hand, have unwittingly sided with your family by getting mad at her efforts of trying to resolve the situation. On top of that, you chose to withdraw from her; all of which has contributed to your separation.
She is basically being fair by putting a condition on your reconciliation because the reason behind the condition is your family's unwillingness to accept her...and it's also because you have failed to support her by 'putting your head in the sand' and thinking it would work out over time.
Her anger and hurt stems from the fact that she wants and needs to be accepted by your family and after 18 years, there must a damn good reason for this not happening. You state that if you took it up with your family, they would treat her worse(if that's possible)but it's your responsibility to speak to your family about their reluctance to accept your wife. They should be accepting of her because they should want and need you to be happy with the partner of your choice. They don't necessarily have to like her but they should respect her(and you)because, among other reasons, she is your lawful, wedded wife and has been for nearly 18 years.