BDSM and piercing
Now that I have your attention, sorry this is so long. Let’s start off by saying I am a 46 year old male I am in my 3rd marriage my wife is 42 years old and she is in her 3rd marriage. My first marriage(4years age difference) ended because I was accused of cheating, I wasn’t ( but I think she was) My second marriage (10 years age difference)ended because she cheated on me. I have a high sex drive almost to the point where I have thought that I may be a sex addicted. First marriage I was young (21) sex was ok but wasn’t mind blowing. Second marriage sex was good at the beginning but after a while it just wasn’t fun anymore. Now I know there is a difference between making love, having sex and Fu$&ing. To me sex is like an adult Disneyland there is many different rides it all depends on what you are in the mood for but it is there for the enjoyment. Now with my first two marriages we had experimented a little with toys mostly it was from me wanting to please but also for my enjoyment. When I meet my third wife I knew I wasn’t going to settle especially in the sex department. We meet online and we hit it off right away found out over the years our paths had crossed in many different states and cities as kids and as adults. When we meet she said she didn’t need a man she wanted a man, I thought perfect an in depended women that’s what I was looking for someone that I didn’t have to carry someone that was strong she meet every criteria for my life and to help raise my kids. I made sure to be very open and honest with her, especially in the sex department, I even had discussion about oral and how women always start out saying they love doing it and pleasing there man but then in the end they say well they never really did like doing it. She at that time hadn’t had sex for 2 years but was very vocal about enjoying sex and said that she had no problem pleasing her man no matter what. We started dating and a year later got married. We had our ups and downs over the years raising a blended family. Our sex life started off amazing she was very eager to please especially in the oral department and to me that is one of the most intimate thing its unselfish and she is there just to please her man. (remember this for latter in the story) She had told me it was very difficult for her to orgasm she said the easiest way she had to have some anal play. ( I was like oh wow the ultimate taboo zone) Now let me tell you one thing my wife is almost perfect she is what every man wants she is a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets. She is a very put together woman no one would ever in a million years guess she had a wild side, she is highly educated (2 masters) has an intellectual job (therapist) . She is a great woman she knows how to cook and she is a good mother. We have been together almost 8 years. Years 1 thru 5 sex was great best I ever had was pretty regular at least 2 to 3 times a week if it was her time of the month she would give me oral she said she had to make sure she took care of me, we experimented with toys all different kinds ( I estimate over the years we have spent way over $1000.00 on toys even some that I made) I thought this was great finally found someone that had a sex drive like me, then year 6 comes around, nope not what you think it didn’t get worse it got turned up. It started with she wanted to get her nipples pierced I was like ok cool. The she wanted to experiment with BDSM I was like ok let me research it, I got into it I learned everything I could we had safe words contracts do’s and don’ts’. I was like a kid living in Disneyland. This was great I found out a side of me I never knew, we were both enjoying it she had some of the most mind blowing screaming orgasms. We are very much man role women role in our relationship, I open doors for her I make sure she is always safe and take care of, I get her gas in her car for her, she cooks dinner she brings me my food we take care of each other, we work as a team at the house inside and out we get things handled, but in the bedroom at this time I was completely in charge and it was going great. Then about a year ago it all of a sudden changes she slowly started not wanting to do anymore BDSM she stopped wanting to do oral she said I expected it and hounded her about it so she stopped. I now get oral maybe if I am lucky every 5-6 months and it’s pretty much under protest. Sex started going down to about 1 time a week. Then November last year I had surgery which put me down for a couple weeks then she had a cancer scare in her vagina and had surgery a week after mine. So she was out of commission down there, which I understood I was there with her every step of the way every appointment never complained about 5 weeks in she was gracious enough to give me a hand job, she was able by the doctors account to start having sex after 4 weeks of recovery, well that didn’t happen (by the way before her fist appointment she took out her nipple piercing and stop grooming down stairs) in about 8 weeks I was graced with another hand job. Over the last 4 months she has had a few doctors’ appointments because of spotting and another minor surgery down there. I have had 2 hand job’s 1 BJ ( which I was surprised at) and sex about 4 times. I am not insensitive I know there is issues we found out she has been in pre menopause for about the last 5 years ( during the best sex we ever had) She changed jobs which I think is the biggest issue on why the sex went down. She says she is old (only 42) so she needs to dress a different way have her hair a different way. I tell her very day she is beautiful, I try and make her feel wanted and loved. I am still very sex driven but I don’t know how long that will last as you get older you start losing it, plus I have my insecurities, my fear of not pleasing her, sexually and mentally (I did have two other wife’s cheat on me) I am lost it has never crossed my mind to cheat on her I love her to much, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listing I need to tell someone how I was feeling.
I'm in a remarkably similar boat. The difference i face is that I didn't get as much of the good times. My wife is my first wife and first (and only) woman ive been with. When we were fiest married we talked about sex and what we wanted. I, of course, wanted to experiment. She said she did too. In word. In deed, we never did anything. She said she wanted to try BDSM. But whenever i actually brought an activity to her, she wasn't in the mood for it. Now she has some nerve damage that makes sex impossible because it is incredibly painful for her. We have attempted and not completed sex proably 3-4 times in the last 4-5 months.
So, i get ya. And i know it sucks. I dont have any advice for you because, well, i havent figured it out myself. But when i do, or if you do, lets talk. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and theres someone who can relate.
what job is she in now ? you say she's a therapist : she should be capable of handling your common issues - or are they rather her issues ?
she says she feels old - and she's just 42 : that's young to start a menopause - over 5 years !
you must ask her to explain herself - from A to Z : what are her problems ? what are her problems with you ?
what are exactly your problems ?
put all this on the table - in writing if necessary - and see what you both as well as individually can do about it - concretely
if she does care about you - she will consider your needs - I mean not give in blindly to your every whim but take them into consideration
you can work this out I feel : let me know
She is a therapist that works with kids that have sexually assaulted someone else. I think its harder to deal with issues in your own relationship even as a therapist that's why therapist go to other therapist to help deal with issues.
She has had issues for the last few years and going to the doctors they could never figure out why doing all the test and everything came out normal, we finally got a doctor who really took the time with her and come to find out she has been in pre menopause for 5 years. She feels old because of the menopause and other issues that have poped up and are do to age.
we have had many conversations but I don't think she is truly honest with herself and me ( but that is just my opinion) For example on the oral I say just tell me if you don't like doing it I can understand that she says no its not that I don't mind doing it its just that you expected it or pressure me into it. The first time she used that I stopped asking for it, but she still wouldn't ever offer. I stopped giving her any, maybe out of spite but I know she enjoys it so I kind of wanted to see how it felt, so one day she asked me to and so I started and then she stopped me and so no its not fare because I don't do it to you, I said no its fine I enjoy making sure she is pleased, you would think after I was finished she would reciprocate but she didn't, so to me its she just doesn't like doing but she doesn't want to go back on her word of saying she does.
My problems are all most inner issues I don't trust easy, I feel well if your not getting it from me your getting from somewhere. I am 99% sure she is not cheating on me. (I am a licensed PI but don't practice anymore) so I do check up on her in all the ways I can, and then I feel bad when I do because there is nothing there to fine. I am also very sexual even though I am in my late 40"s I think about sex a lot and primarily I fantasies about her. I have even mentioned to her that I think I may have a sex addiction although I don't fit all the clinical definition to be one.
I know things will work out I just don't think it will ever go back to the way it was or how I liked it, I love her and will always adjust to her needs above mine.
I'm a female 60 years old - menopaused for the last 10+ years and doing fine - it's great not to have one's period anymore and libido has not changed - even gotten better - I know my body a lot better now then 15 or 20 years ago - and what I want and like and how - as for possible lack of lubricating - there are many obvious solutions - and getting older is inevitable - one must be able to accept it and own it
I'm in the same business as your wife - I get it that for some things it is better to go and see a therapist because of the neutral stance - not always easy to be objective when personally concerned - but nevertheless - I guess she must be able to get somewhat an idea on whet is going on exactly
yes - honesty is key : if she's evading that's not going to help
about the oral - she talks about being - FEELING pressured : even if you expect it - it's HER issue that she feels pressured - but then she goes into a "guilt game" saying that if she doesn't do it to you then you shouldn't do it to her : that's evading the real issue - which is I think - about guilt and feeling obliged and then of course pressured : she has to take a look into this
people can get addicted to sex - if only on the physical/hormonal level : it's intoxicating to get the adrenaline/serotonine/dopamine on the up - and that's ok I think as long as it doesn't become an obsession - because as soon as one obsesses it becomes a psychological condition (which is not at all the same as fantasizing about her - which she should be flattered about)- where the addiction gets into the brain & synapses and becomes a mental condition
things will not go back as they were before - life moves on - we know it - they can get the way they are now and in this you both can make it optimal - for one another - if you both put in the effort : it'll be a new way
it's honorable of you to adjust to her needs but don't set yourself up as last because inevitably at one point something will snap : you need to respect yourself as much as her
Before my wife was diagnosed and told she was in menopause, I did research on the issues she was having and I came to the conclusion that she was in menopause and even had the conversation with her mom about it. I didn't have the conversation with her because I knew a turn like this in life would upset her and when she was told it did. During my research I did notice a lot of possible increase of libido but for some it took awhile, is it because some women go into a depression over getting older and losing the ability to have children? Is it once they get past the not being able to have children that there libido kicks back in? I don't really have anyone to ask these questions besides my mother in law or my mother and both would be to embarrassing to ask.
I have to adjust to the way I think sometimes, I am a guy I can turn everything into something sexual, but I noticed it upset her because I would do that, I mean I wasn't rude and belligerent in front of other people because that would be disrespectful but in private messages I would turn something she would say into something dirty, but I did notice (may be a coincidence) that when I tried to make an effort not to talk sexually to her because I believed it upset her or she would comment when I would turn something sexual, that she stopped being as sexual. Then I just think its all in my head or I think she wants me to be more aggressive and just take what I want, but she doesn't like to talk about it she ask why I have to make it so complicated sometimes, that's where i get the mixed feelings.
"at that time hadn’t had sex for 2 years but was very vocal about enjoying sex and said that she had no problem pleasing her man no matter what" : she must have been "hungry" for sex - but I notice some pride in her saying she has no problem pleasing an man - no matter what - I see here some power games in who holds the power over who - and to what point
"our sex life started off amazing she was very eager to please especially in the oral department" : even if you say it's unselfish to do oral (and it is in some ways) - it is also a way to have power over another - the power to make him/her come - at any time or at a chosen time - to keep him/her hanging and begging for more or just decide at one point to do it not at all after all - again we have here a symptom of power in play
"it was very difficult for her to orgasm she said the easiest way she had to have some anal play" : maybe some difficulties in "opening up" sexually - loosening up - with therefor the need to put some "pressure" on anal - anal being possibly considered to be "taboo zone" - here I see a need to break/overstep boundaries - hers ? or she wanting you to "force" her in some way to open up - open up more ? - again question of power and who holds it but this time in regard to overstepping marks
"a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets" : the power to control oneself with the power to let it all rip in the bedroom - what I see here is self-control with the need to "show off" in the bedroom or have the other overtake the power
"she is a very put together woman" : a lot of energy is invested in keeping it together - what is she afraid of - and what is she looking for - for you to overstep and trespass so that she can free herself because of - or thanks to you ?
"she said she had to make sure she took care of me": in the beginning she apparently wanted to make sure you were "her" thing - that she was holding power over you - was she afraid you would abuse her in any way ?
"she wanted to get her nipples pierced - she wanted to experiment with BDSM" : here again I see power plays with the need to "hurt or be hurt" in some ways - to overcome blocages by inflicting pain - or to play the "slave" and be "branded" - it seems she wanted to be dominated - since you say you were often "in charge" in the bedroom then
"I found out a side of me I never knew" : of course you must have discovered new sides of yourself - either more feminine or more masculine - did they please you ? did they please her ?
"she had some of the most mind blowing screaming orgasms" : did she like being "taken over" - having her power robbed off her ? (you say in the bedroom at this time you were completely in charge)
"she slowly started not wanting to do anymore BDSM she stopped wanting to do oral she said I expected it" : things turned around - she got tired of not having her usual power - power over herself - so she decided to get back to deciding how and when she would give you pleasure - as in the beginning except that this time it was not to make sure you were 100% satisfied but to (have the power to) withhold pleasure from you - and then saying you expected it - thus pointing out you being "dependent" in the wanting/expecting it - again power games
"before her fist appointment she took out her nipple piercing and stop grooming down stairs" : did she want to "hide" about these sexual things ? - was she ashamed ? did she want to appear in front of the doctors as not being sexual - and having a (hot) sexual life ?
"she says she is old (only 42)so she needs to dress a different way have her hair a different way" : another way to "get a hold of herself" - and also to stop those sexual games and get out of it - back to "normal" - in this case - old (in her eyes) - old or tired ? old and retired ?
"a turn like this in life would upset her and when she was told it did" : not every woman lives a "trauma" when going through menopause - in my case (I was only 46) the whole thing passed within a few years without me even really noticing it except for some hot& cold effects and irregular periods - in the end it just stopped and that was it with me glad to be off the whole period thing - no lessening in libido - maybe just a little lessening in "moist" - the whole depression thing comes maybe because a woman will think that now she is "old" (and indeed the body changes - less collagene in the skin - rimples start to appear - parts of the body are less firm but that's part of the game of life isn't it ?) - so it is related to seduction - the power to seduce - and that can be depressing if seducing and the whole power game around seducing is important for the woman
"I did notice (may be a coincidence) that when I tried to make an effort not to talk sexually to her because I believed it upset her or she would comment when I would turn something sexual, that she stopped being as sexual" - "I think she wants me to be more aggressive and just take what I want, but she doesn't like to talk about it she ask why I have to make it so complicated" : here again I see some convoluted power games on how you're supposed to be "aggressive and take what you want" - be a man about it but not be obnoxious and certainly not submitted, obedient or docile - she wants you to be dominant but without you being it because then she looses her power - over herself - over you - hence these "complicated" games where she will say you're being complicated (transfer)
you see ? it's a lot about power and how SHE handles the power over herself - and with a man - don't let this get you insecure and doubt yourself - this seems to be more her problem then it is yours
see what you can do with this information