Do I trust him again or does he not care?
It's a long story I'm afraid.
I met this guy on social media. We started talking and just clicked instantly. Eventually we swapped numbers and face timed etc. He was exactly who he said he was.
He lives just under 180 miles from me. I ended up liking him and he (still to this day) claimed the feelings were mutual.
We met up a few times and things were cool but I started to get messages on my social media from this girl. She would ask me questions about him and about me and my life. At first I ignored it until she claimed that they were seeing eachother so I should back off. He told me this was a lie and that he dated her for 3 weeks, a year prior to me meeting him.
She spent the next year and a half messaging me and reading my social media every day even when I blocked her numerous times. She was fuming about little things. She would find out he held my hand and lose it because he never did that with her. She would go mad because he spoke to me almost everyday and not her. When I was in hospital he took the day off work to be there for me but didn't do it for her so she got mad.
I've never had sex before and he said he was happy to wait and that sex wasn't the most important thing for him.
After 2 years I had enough as she still claimed they were sleeping together and she just wouldn't leave me alone. Because of this I said to him I couldn't be with him because she made me doubt him but I still wanted friendship and liked him.
I considered him a really good friend at the very least and didn't wanna lose the friendship because of the drama she caused. He continued to reply to her texts even though I thought he shouldn't purely because she seemed set on causing trouble. He said this was to keep the peace because when he did ignore her for two months straight she turned up at his house going crazy and wouldn't leave him alone until he spoke to her. He said his feelings for her went years ago and even she says the same. She told me he doesn't have feelings for her.
I've now found out that between October 2015 and the start of Jan this year they were sleeping together more than once a week. I found out from her and at first thought it was another lie. After asking him over and over he eventually said it was true and that she had suggested they be 'friends with benefits'. He said it just ended up being a "habit". She told him to tell me otherwise she would never talk to him again and his reply was "no" because he apparently didn't want to "lose" me.
He said he never intended on telling me about it because he ended it before I found out because she was getting "attached".
He says he still has feelings for me and cares for me but I don't know what to believe?
If he cared surely he wouldn't do that?
Surely he wouldn't sleep with another girl let alone the one who hates me and caused me to not trust him for a long time previously?
Can someone please advise me as to what I should do? I really like him but I have no idea who to believe.
Also, she has a mental illness which makes her very obsessive and gives her lying and attachment issues. She also lives in the same town as him.
Do I try to build the trust and have a friendship with him or eventually have more or am I best avoiding him like the plague?
Thanks in advance to anyone who helps me.
I think this guy doesn't know clearly what he wants - otherwise - as you state - he would do what he is/has been doing
the other girl obviously has some mental issues
he shouldn't give in to her the way he does - but if he does - he should ask himself why it is he gets into all of this
but this is not your problem
you are dealing with a guy you like who is not trustworthy - not necessarily because he intends to do so but because he apparently lacks boundaries - he is being abused and lets it happen
best thing to do - for him as for you - is NO CONTACT with this girl : do not respond or give in - just ghost her - if she does come again and again to his house - he can file a police report
his problem is his - as is his problem with this girl : this is not your issue
you have to ask yourself what position you are going to take in this situation - for yourself and your self-esteem (and virginity) - let the world know and stick to it
until he comes clear about what he stands for and how he intends to go about it - you go and enjoy life
he wouldn't do what he is/has been doing - *(correction)
Thank you so much for your response. It's nice to get an outsiders opinion.
I haven't replied to this girl and she still messages me. In the past when she's found out he talks to me she overdosed or ends up in hospital.
I just feel like this will be a never ending cycle. She won't let go and even when he tries to ignore her she gets worse.
For months I asked him if something was going on with the two of them and he said no and even said I sounded like her because I was being paranoid but now I find out that something was going on.
He's said sorry but that doesn't really undo it all does it..
no - to say sorry is not enough - clear intent and actions are needed
he HAS to get this girl out of his life : she is toxic - if not for you or the both of you - at least for him
as long as he doesn't get this clear & done - I suggest you keep some distance - to protect yourself psychologically & emotionally
you are in no way paranoid - don't let him say that : he is transferring onto you
if any - just walk out of the situation or discussion and let him find out for himself
you it to you to respect yourself - that's step 1
you owe it to you to respect yourself * (correction)
Ye gods, MCMXCV. This "thing" manipulatively positions the ex (who clearly wasn't ever over him) (hmm, we wonder why!) into being his free-of-charge prostitute, paid only with totally false hopes whilst making out *you're* the problem element, when he's supposed to be exclusive and committed with you as your "boyfriend", just because he can't cross his legs while waiting for you to uncross sensible-yours, thereby duping the *pair* of you, just in slightly different ways, yet - more lately - playing you both off equally by pitting you against each other as if this is some competition with him the (ugh) trophy, ...and you have to even *ask* if you should dump him and avoid him like the plague?
Can you really not see all the lies he's being feeding each of you for an entire year-and-a-half-PLUS about the true situation of where each of you stand, including what he alleges she's said about you or you've said about her, etc., so he can continue to have his cake and eat it?
And you buy his nonsense and dutifully tell it like this other poor, distraught and (because she's got low self-esteem) 'beside herself' girl is the perpetrator and he some sort of poor victim of hers?
He tells you you're being paranoid. Do you really think he hasn't been trying to gaslight this ex? You think about how calm, level-headed and reasonable *you'd* be by the end of it if you stayed in the game rather than indignantly opted out. Nuff said.
She may be her own worst enemy but that doesn't alter the fact that you and she are co-victims.
Go and have a look at Shannon's thread ("Is my ex stalking me") to *see* how men and women behave when an ex (*actual* ex, that is, not someone left to think there's still hope), unencouraged or distinctly the opposite, starts crawling back out of the woodwork thus poses a potential scupperage to their beautiful new relationship. Shannon had it done to her; clearly her new man can fully relate; I've had it; Mr Soulmate has had it; myriad people I've talked to in RL have had it; xxxxxx number of forum visitors have had it... And, each and every time, anyone with a modicum of maturity and who was truly happy with their new gal or fella tended to do - WHAT NOW? Answer: Told the ex to "please do as I do and move on (in jerky motions)". Sometimes (ref Shannon and myself) they had to say and do it *multiple* times before the ex would finally concede defeat and bow out like someone of decent breeding. But say and do it they absolutely did.
"He said he never intended on telling me about it because he ended it before I found out because she was getting "attached"."
(Here's how your ex can't get attached: don't create or accept her advances when you're in a new relationship IN THE FIRST PLACE.
So...Translation: He would never have told me about it had his ex never cottoned-on and begun kicking up a fuss. If his ex had never begun kicking up a (at least *semi*-self-respectful) fuss, he would never have told me about it AND NEVER ENDED IT!(!!!!!) I'D HAVE LIVED A MUSHROOM LIFE (kept in the dark and constantly fed sh*t)!
'Your' fella *didn't* do what men and women in-love do. Did he. Case closed, and you deserve better. Because let me tell you, MCMXCV: Once you're married it's highly likely there are going to be *lots and lots* of occasions when you either don't want to have sex or don't feel like having sex or are too angry or sad for sex or can't have sex but are quite pleased really or can't have sex and wish with all your heart you could. Be that a few nights out of every week as standard or for months on end (e.g. following having had a baby). And it may not be an isolated or one-off episode/phase, either. So what do you think this lovely specimen would do at either of those future-possible points, that he hasn't already at this juncture (Honeymoon Period) wherein one's supposed to shine?... that period wherein you're supposed to be at your keenest, including most faithful and loyal? Have an actual, contract-breaking affair?! And how much more is it going to hurt you by then compared to now, these still relatively early days? And are we talking serious long term agony as opposed to a relatively short-sharp level of discomfort and strife (if you get rid now), do you think? And who else *aside* from you is it going to be crushed? Your little kid or kids plural? Or your kids and their grandkids? Or both...multiple times/situation normal?
And if to that you'd turn around and say you're not even thinking about marrying anyone yet, just dating, my answer would be, OH YES YOU ARE..or are supposed to be.
You're supposed to be practising... doing a run-up ready for the real thing with your optimal type (including morals) SO THAT the real thing becomes YOUR REAL LIFE. Or are you the semi-pro tennis hopeful who spends all of her precious training days perfecting her netball skills?
Dump the woman-disrespecting, emotionally-abusing, chauvenistic dud - now, while you still can. (Or end up like her!)
If you still can't decide or muster the courage to dump then the next thing I'd suggest you do, be to ask yourself, Would *I* have ever done that to him (or *any* lover I genuinely was in-love with OR EVEN JUST LIKED AND RESPECTED ONE IOTA)? And then, betting my house your answer would be an unequivocal No, say to yourself, *Why* wouldn't I?, ...and there, instantly, is your extra elbowing turbo!
(Stringing two women along for a year-and-a-half *plus*. Ye gods.)
(You can come out from behind the sofa, if that's why the no response - I was having a pop at him, not you. Because you weren't and he warrants it.)