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Tough break up...

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Relationship advice Try and keep it short but a girl i knew years ago but we lost touch, contacted me last april, added me on FB. We talked and talked every day, she messaged me all the time, it was great. Feelings grew and we got together in august, it was amazing, I loved her so much, it felt so right. She has a child and goes to college so her life is hectic and it makes her stressed, she has a history of meds and had a breakdown before, she tries her best, I work nights so we knew it would be hard but we would be fine, it would be worth it. After two months, we argued over silly things online when talking on mail on FB, she became distant and colder to me, pulling away almost. I could see it and it was killing me.

Her past relationships have all been bad and her previous one was her worst she said, he beat her and stole from her, done a lot. She said she was so happy to find a good decent genuine man, she said so much about a future etc.. I paid for a holiday for her bday and the days we went away she was cold to me still, my friends seen it and one said it to her, she got angry at me thinking I told them our business. We got home and we talked for days but 3 days later I told her I loved her we would sort this out and be fine..she replied with she did not see us working, we did not gel together and we rubbed each other the wrong way, she was so so sorry to do it over mail and that she felt this way as I was a good man I did nothing wrong and it upset her but she could not help it. I was so upset, I loved her so much. We talked for weeks after on and off and in Dec I mailed her to talk, we decided it best we delete each other on FB for both of us to heal. She said she was sorry again and I did not deserve her and how she treated me. I had a present bought for her child for xmas, I promised her so I asked her could I send that on still I did not want to let her kid down she said sure and she really appreciated it.

She text me a week later to say thanks for the gift she got it and she did appreciate it. That was our last chat on snapchat.. in December before xmas. I noticed we were still friends on snapchat since until last week she deleted me, is this gone for good you think? I did nothing to her and she said so, I was the most genuine decent man she ever met, I know it hurt her too, she said so, she had sleepless nights after it and she said her life is so busy with her kid and college she has little time to think about things but she said maybe one day it will hit her and she will have a breakdown, I told her she will not and keep going and she will do great in college and she is a great mother, I wished her the best. I do love her but i know her and she is stubborn and independent. Maybe I just gotta let go i know but when you love someone.

I know I should leave it and I have, I have no sent any messages and have kept in no contact, as hard as its been, I won’t break this way, we both needed that and do need it. I did not want to be punishing to her also, as I know she felt really bad and it must have hurt her to do it as well, its why I never said a bad word to her or sent any bad messages etc, I cared about her to much to do that. I know she will mostly likely never come back, but even after months have passed now, I feel she never gave it a real chance, she was in love with me, she said it 3 weeks before ending it, I felt it too. Then it got cold with some arguments online and our lives getting hectic etc.. I felt if she did not make a snap decision and waited, gave it time it would be special. Hard to move on fully when you feel like its a mistake you are apart.

I know she finishes college in two years time and her life will not be as crazy, maybe it will change, and who knows she may get more time to think then and about us, as we had no problems just time to see each other mostly is what killed us, we needed less time speaking online and more in person. She will do well, and she will find her happiness, I do wish her love and happiness, guess thats how you know you truly love someone when they hurt you, and you never want to hurt them back, only wish them well.

Any advice or just your view on this would be great and I would really appreciate it. A confused heart broken Irish man :)

Tough break up...

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She may WELL have been happy to find a good, decent, genuine man. But that doesn't mean she were primed to know how to operate with one after having closely associated for so long with a-holes, does it. Ready for a friendship, yes, but seemingly not, were it not for the increasing temptation, for a really up-close romantic relationship. Plus the 7/8/9th month is notorious as a bailing-out point. When the two people are wrong for each other, I mean.

Beat her, stole from her? What is she - some rehabilitation halfway house for maximum security ex-cons?!

That all has an effect. A big one. Layer after layer. Meaning, it takes time to come to terms and get over it (those layers have to be taken off and examined as well).

Put it this way, your gf was in (emotional) hospital, (emotional) leg in traction. Temptation (you) pulls her out of her bed, out of the ward, out of the hospital, and trying to walk - and even skip and run - normally. To keep up with you. How well would you expect that leg to heal? Would you expect it to get in the way of everything as well as cause her relapses in pain and stiffness?

One of the troubles of having for so long operated that closely with people of low morals who behave shoddily almost constantly towards others and themselves, is that it can drag your own standards down, imperceptibly bit by bit... "Monkey see, monkey do". Hence, busy/overwrought or not (has nothing to do with this bit) we see her readily accepting your desperate offer of a free holiday, despite clearly not happy with the too-soon relationship after having just more or less caught up to that fact. And then again with the kid's present. As a 'bank', it's downright unethical as well as illegal to accept a huge investment deposit off of a 'customer' when knowing full well you're about to go out of business as could bankrupt him. She should have declined or, if she'd thought the holiday might re-spark things and had just genuinely wanted to give it a fair second chance, should either have made that caveat clear or should, when it didn't work as a magic wand, have offered to repay at least as much as she could afford. And as for ending it by email despite that whole backdrop?... How cowardly and disrespectful. If she were that sorry she'd have found such inappropriateness of manner impossible to follow through with. It's called, 'No, no, I can't, that would be too sh*tty'.

So either those 'ex cons' were all she could match up to as a permanent state (and you put her on a pedestal simply because you fancied her and fell for her shinier, outer onion layers) or she's still too tarnished by the drip-drip effect of bad close association and needs a proper recovery period before commencing dating again.

Right Person, maybe, Right Place... WRONG TIME. And if she only just last week deleted you from snapchat, apropos of no new noises or movements on your part, then that shows she was keeping a return bridge open just in case she in the meantime conveniently wanted back in. It's called, keeping you warm on the side.

But then, to be fair, she *did* try more than once to end the relationship and it was you who insisted she stay in the game for a bit longer, using your tasty titbits as incentives. But (ref the freebies) obviously tried not nearly clearly and assertively *enough*.

She didn't give it enough chance because she was either unwilling or incapable or both. You tend to hang on in there, grit your teeth through the storms of misfortune or acrimony, only if you value/have it in you to value the fundamental chemistry and relationship sufficiently in the first place. But, by the way, if I were on holiday with my lover and a friend pointed out that I were treating him coldly, to where s/he could see it were having a miserable effect on him, I wouldn't react with assumptions-based anger. I'd feel bad for him and sh*tty as hell - worse, given he were paying for that torture - and immediately try to elevate my act.

I think you're too healthy for her, too generous for her, too kind, sympathetic, understanding, tolerant... (And you only have her word for the fact all her exes were disgusting to her, presumably?) You should be with a Like.

It's probably a bit soon for you to realise all of this. But you will. And then your mind will cross 'this type, these qualities' off its 'what I'm looking for' list and automatically continue an advance only if and for as long as you can see those elements failing to come to the fore. I call it the automatic upgrade, but you could just say, practise makes perfect.

You'll get over her - because you have no other choice anyway - then readjust to just being yourself again, then meet someone that much more like you who thereby knows how you like/insist on being treated.

A bit of heartbreak never killed anyone. Getting permanently stuck in relationships with people you suddenly, too-late realise have nothing like your standards of decency can. Soul-wise, anyway.

"guess thats how you know you truly love someone when they hurt you, and you never want to hurt them back, only wish them well."

Er, no? All that proves is you're not comfortable with registering and expressing anger. I think you'll get over her far more quickly if you do allow yourself that BOG-STANDARD RIGHT. She knew she was wanting out but still accepted free and not inconsiderable gifts off of you aka KNOWINGLY ENCOURAGED FALSE HOPE (- she could have insisted on a card and normal-sized gift instead). Not too busy-busy-busy, overwrought-overwrought-overwrought for a holiday, was she, funny that.

I call that part a con-job, don't you?

Right qualities (yours), WRONG RECIPIENT.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2