I can't move on
last summer (2015) I met this boy on a summer camp. Before I even spoke to him I knew that when the summer was over he would go to a "after school" which is a thing in Denmark where you go away for a year and learn a lot and make a lot of friend and all that good stuff.
But yeah I really ended up liking this boy and I think he also liked me. After the camp we texted everyday - several hours a day straight. I went home to him once (he lived an hour or so away) and we just had a wonderful time. All though I was very aware that this was nothing that could keep going when the summer ended and I was actually fine with it.
But nothing lasts forever and eventually he had to go. He told me that we still could be texting once in awhile but that I shouldn't be expecting too much.
After a week I texted him, asking how he was and his answer was just "fine". He was really unresponsive and a bit rude actually. I tried to start a small conversation but he was still just.. Weird.. I know I should had moved on at that point because he obviously was over it and didn't want to spend his time texting me. I guess I just wouldn't realize it.
I tried texting him a couple of times but his responses just made me even more upset. Eventually I gave up on trying to keep in touch because it wasn't what he wanted to and I realized that I was just embarrassing myself. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I literally thought about him every single day. I thought about every little memory I had of him and kinda lived the moments again. I also turned into a crazy stalker. I was looking at his Facebook profile every day and went through all of his pictures again and again trying to remember how he smelled and sounded. This lasted for about 3 months - the so far worst 3 months of my life.
At that point I was very slowly starting to move on. But then I made a terrible mistake and I am truly ashamed of it and of myself. I still really wanted to be in contact with him but he wouldn't answer my messages. So with the backup from a friend of mine, I told him that I had been pregnant and had gotten an abort. Of course was it all just a big fat lie and I know you don't tell people things like that but I was so desperate to make him answer me. I truly regret it deeply and I wish I could take it back but you can't change things in the past. I would go so far and say that I'm disgusted about myself and the way I handled the situation. Of course was it also a little bit because of my friend cheering me to do it - but I can't blame her for doing it. It was my own decision.
After I told him that I felt like I could move on - and I did... Kinda..
I almost didn't think about him for a good 4 months and it was very reliving.
My problem is that lately I have been thinking about him again and everything is starting to come back the way it used to be. I have been looking at his profile and every time I see a cute picture of him I feel like my heart falls to the floor. I miss him so terribly much and I think I might really am in love with this boy.
I just don't know what to do. I't been 7 fucking months since last time I even spoke him and I still feel the same way. Sometimes I think that he might will want to have something to do with me when he comes back but then I think of the pregnancy lie and just want to never ever see him again because I'm so ashamed of it. I also don't how I would catch his attention if I deside to try and see if he wants to talk to me when he comes back - I'm just pretty sure that he won't.
Please tell me how I'm supposed to move on because as it is right now - I can't.
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself about the lie. Yes it wasn't wise but you had been hurt and were seeking attention. You don't say how old youare? Or if this is a first love/infatuation?
Either way, you had a lovely summer romance and felt hurt when he distanced himself. But the relationship that you are missing and longing for is a presumed one. You have taken all of the feelings you want from a relationship and projected them onto this boy. He himself, is not all that. He said he'd keep in touch with you and hasn't. He told you not to expect much of him which reflects his maturity and how much he was invested in your relationship. By hanging onto what you both had you're destroying yourself and any opportunities to meet other guys who are really there (not virtually or in memories/fantasies).
Leave what happened in the past. Let go of your guilt about the lie.Remember that the lie wasn't what ended this relationship or made him become distant. Open yourself up to someone who is real and can offer you more than a one word text occasionally.