PeoplesProblems Logo

Wife problems

Default profile image
Relationship advice I've been with my wife for 10 years. Married since 2009. Wife is from a foreign first world country. She is very anxious about her English ability.

Until around '09 we were in this foreign country. The wife had a job and we got into fights but they lasted maybe an hour or two and then, usually, things were OK. Since she came to my country she's become anxious about everything. She whines constantly. When we have fights now they are two or three days long. She often attacks me by saying that I didn't help with the chores five years ago or I am responsible for some other "traumatic" experience in her life that didn't happen the way she endlessly repeats it did (I did do the chores, for example). Another example is we moved to a another city in the same area for a year. It was a good area and a nice apartment but she didn't like the building manager and there was some noise issues. Things have morphed into now I "forced" her to live there - when actually I asked her four or five times if it was OK to live there or not, and even told her if she felt that she didn't want to live there she should say.

We don't have a lot of money. I'm just starting my career and she does not work. She was supposed to get a job to help with the family expenses and did not except for one small job I set her up with.

When she was taking some courses (or before when she was working) she was generally a pleasure to be with. I hate coming home, even early, and she is always there. I want some alone time. I can get this at work by staying late, but I'm never alone with her at home. She really needs some meaning in her life and I think that our relationship would be much better if she did *something*. I think that even if we had money she wouldn't be happy because she is now so idle.

More recently she has barely been going out with her friends.

Very briefly we were trying to get pregnant, but she got very upset that I wasn't going to bed fast enough on the day that she (apparently) was more fertile. I told her not to worry, but she got very upset. Very well past bedtime we finally did do it, but it was very unpleasant and I had to tell her not to say a single word, because it is frankly impossible to maintain an erection when your spouse is complaining about being "forced" to live in an apartment three years ago. I am hopeful she is not pregnant. She always had a tendency to get into fights at bedtime and its a huge drag because I have a desk job that requires me to be sharp. We used to get by with us sleeping away a fight in separate rooms but now she follows me and won't leave when I tell her we should be separate for the night.

The pregnancy thing was a couple weeks ago. Now she is saying she is physically sick. She won't even let me sleep on the sofa some days without whining about how I wouldn't take additional loans to pay for school she wanted to go to (she already has a degree and didn't even look into getting her own loans - I was covering all of our living expenses through my (substantial) student loan, and I didn't have any more money to pay for her. And she had at that point already broken a promise to find a job and I didn't want to be stuck paying for her school).

Right now we are shacking up with my parents (long story, but part of the reason is because she does not work). She hasn't been good about hiding this from my parents. So now I'm stuck talking about it with my mother. My wife diagnosed herself by reading things online with Cassandra Syndrome (or whatever it's called), which is apparently something people married to people with Aspergers have. I don't have aspergers but she demands I admit it now. So I'm being blamed not only for her crappy living conditions (which are not that bad), fictional past events but even physical illness.

What to do here? When she is not depressed or whiny (which is every so often, especially when she was, before, taking courses or working) she's great, aside from being boring in bed and smart. She's an excellent cook and if she didn't get into anxiety and depression and whatever she'd be a great wife and a great mother. It's a huge problem that she promised to find a job and didn't (she also promised to help with my student loans, but hasn't), but I wouldn't mind nearly as much if she didn't also give me grief at home.

Wife problems

Default profile image
You need to discuss with your wife what her expectations of a husband and a life partner are. Her background, culture and customs could be getting in the way. Throw in the fact that she's in a 'foreign' country and her anxiety about her English speaking skills and you could be getting close to the reasons for her unhappiness.

You're more than correct when you state that she should be doing something to assist her to 'fit in' and her English speaking will obviously improve if she uses it daily interacting with other people around her. Her issue is she's relying on you to make her 100% happy and content when she's not really giving it any effort herself. She needs to embrace your country and accept her circumstances to be able to co exist with you without making both of your lives miserable.

She's looking for reasons for her unhappiness by going online etc and in the process bringing you down, but she needs to have a look in the mirror. She's in a marriage and a successful marriage needs daily input from both partners to make it work.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-1