Do I keep waiting?
Hi, my fiance and I have been engaged since Christmas. We get along great, me and him, him and my kids, me and his kids. The problem is his ex. She doesn't work, is addicted to pills and according to everyone that I know that knows her says she uses people for money to pay her bills.
I may have vaguely known this woman in high school 20 years ago but have not seen or spoken with her since. My fiance shares a grandchild with this woman, his son and her daughter, and had lived with her for three years before they broke up and and a few months later he started dating me. When she found out we were engaged, she starting calling him, she got me fired from my job, and is blackmailing him to stay with her so she can get him to pay her bills. He won't tell me the details of what she is using to blackmail him but he assures me that although it could land him in jail, he didn't hurt anyone, he just did some dishonestly illegal things.
He told me he had to tell her that he left me and has been staying at her house for the last three weeks and since he works from daylight to dark, 6-7 days a week, I don't get to talk to him much and he has to sneak to call me or to come see me or meet me somewhere. He keeps saying that he has to make this problem go away and then he can come home. It keeps taking longer and longer, first it was a week, then he said a few more days, then he said another week and now he says hopefully by the end of this week. He promises he is coming home and has promised my kids that as well and I believe him when he says it but then when I barely here from him for a few days, doubt starts to creep in.
She did this one other time but he was only there for a few days and then he came home. He assures me that he is 100% happy with me, that his heart is here with me even if he's not and that he loves me with all his heart and soul and that I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and that he doesn't love her, he is sleeping on the couch and that he just has to pacify her until he can get these problems taken care of. I really don't think he is over there cheating on me. Whenever things haven't been right in the past, with him and previous relationships I would get that lump in the pit of my stomach and it always proved to be right. I don't have that now.
The problem is I miss him terribly and it hurts when he doesn't call or come by or meet me somewhere. I know a lot of that has to do with his work but he also said that it makes it harder on him to hear my voice and even harder when he spends time with me and then he has to leave me again to go back over there. I don't understand that part because I would rather talk to or see him as much as possible.
I guess I just want to know if I'm being an understanding fiancee or the dumbest one in the world.
You are most likely a kind, intelligent woman. HOWEVER, women have a tendency to become "dumb" when they are "in love" (or what they think must be love). In reading your description of what has been going on, I would run, not walk, away. Let him and his whole box of crazy go.
You need to look at what sort of a role model this guy would be for your kids. His actions have landed him where he is and sure, he says there's way around it, but the best way around it is for him to 'man up' to what his past indiscretions are and take the punishment on the chin. His staying with his ex, and allowing himself to remain there under threat, is showing you what sort of a guy he is and going by your post, these people deserve each other.
If this guy doesn't mirror your values and standards, then you need to do what the previous poster suggested and do it quickly.