I don't know what should I do in this marriage
Hello, I am 26 years old ordinary woman and a teacher. Around a month ago I was married. It was an arranged marriage. I don’t have any feeling for him, not even as a friend. My uncle introduced him to my parents because apparently I wasn’t able to bring home one myself soon enough so my dear parents asked my uncle to do it for me. (from where I came from 25 years old is considered an age where a woman should already has a certainty on whom they are going to marry)
My parents introduced us. I met him and saw a stranger. I didn’t feel curious about him, had no desire whatsoever to talk to him, to know about him, or even his name, not the slightest attraction. And I’m going to marry him, because yeah, I love my parent, and because I didn’t have my own man to introduce – I also still waiting for that feeling called ‘fall in love’ - But you know, my time was up. (I already rejected my parents’ choices before)
So there I was, the most unenthusiastic and indifferent bride-to-be (drove my mother up the wall). I didn’t care what dress I would wear or how the wedding party is going to be like. It was a chore just to summon a smile. I looked at the man beside me and still saw a stranger although we already tried to get to know each other. It was horrible.
Finally here I am an awkward wife in an awkward marriage. I don’t know what to talk with him or how to act most of the time. I was fumbling for topic all the time so I don’t look like a freak just standing there. I still don’t have any feeling for him or desire to interact with him. I’m just trying to keep everything in me under control.
So what should I do? This building doesn’t feel like home. That man feels like a stranger. He is really into this marriage and I’m trying, but it’s hard when there’s nothing there. If only I have even slightest interest or curiosity about him that I can nurture because despite everything I want this marriage to work. It is just sad for me to be happier when he is out or working. Sadly, that is not the case.
How long have you been married now?
almost 2 months now
Dear Elye: This may sound lame, but 2 months is not a lot of time to make it work. You say you want it to work, so you need to give it time. Is it possible to get counseling from someone in your religious community?
I know, it's just that... I don't know how to say it. you know when you want to do something but your body and your mind isn't into it. whenever we have some time together and I said to myself 'this is it. he is your husband. go talk to him. cuddle with him. hug. kiss. whatever.' and then I saw his face and I feel like running away. it's like I want to show him and my family that I'm not happy with this situation and because they were the one who wants this marriage not me.and yes its childish. but I cant stop feeling like that. and since we married we only kissed twice, no chemistry no intimacy. It is pathetic. I am scared of his and my family reaction if we seek help.
But thank you. I will try to better myself.
" I am scared of his and my family reaction if we seek help."
Unless you get over this prideful stance, you are not going to be able to sort this out.
I can't help but believe this religious culture tradition is not producing more conflicted arranged marriages in this day and age. Surely, there is a religious or social counselor to help you sort this out. Find a women's group.
PS Was there another candidate husband that you preferred and could not?
You don't say how old you are? Are you educated? What is your career?
Option A, you try and get to know this man. You make the effort not to be a stranger and commit to making the marriage work. I imagine a part of you thought you could do this when you agreed to marry him. You get to know him and his personality and slowly try to build up the trust, friendship and connections that can build into love.
Option B, you leave the marriage. Yes this will disappoint your parents, family and him. But it will give you the freedom you yearn for. If you genuinely don't want to try within the marriage and don't feel that there is any chance of it fulfilling you or making you happy then you need to take the plunge and consider leaving it. You have to be brave enough to stand up for your own happiness and face any repercussions from your family. I have known women in arranged marriages leave their marriage and luckily their families and have been supportive but I am aware that this is not representative of all families. I would consider what means more to you; your own happiness or that of your family's.