Wife having an affair with another married woman
I have been married for 17 years, I just recently discovered that my wife has been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years. This woman has been friends with my wife for a very long time, 30 plus years. She is also married with kids.
I considered our marriage to be strong until I found out the secret life. The big problem I have with our relationship is trust, I do not trust her and how do I go on in life not trusting the person I love. I always put the kids before myself, therefore I'm pretty certain I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship, like having an affair. The funny thing about this situation is that she see’s nothing wrong with it and I have nothing to be worried about. Her friend is happily married and so are we and she do not see herself with anyone else but me. It’s just two girls having a little sexual fun sending pictures and videos to each other and writing stories about what one is going to do with the other. Am I being selfish, by feeling betrayed, jealous and let down? Will time repair the hurt in my heart. Can I live with this situation? I feel like I wan’t to go out and have an affair of my own, but what problems will this cause? I just wish I had someone I could trust and talk to, but this situation is so sensitive I have no idea how to handle it. I am lost…..
You said, "Am I being selfish, by feeling betrayed, jealous and let down? Will time repair the hurt in my heart. Can I live with this situation? I feel like I wan’t to go out and have an affair of my own, but what problems will this cause? I just wish I had someone I could trust and talk to, but this situation is so sensitive I have no idea how to handle it. I am lost….."
All of that is not a question, it is the question.
Two things: 1. My wife probably had 1,500 instances with affairs. When we were dating, she let me know she was having sex with another guy. I was hurt at first, but then learned to live with it. She was sexually abused, and sex was all she knew.
She would even give me details of her dates with this guy, and I got to where I couldn't get excited until I was hearing them again from her. Me having sex with her was not exciting. Her having sex with him, and the amount she enjoyed it, was a real turn-on.
When we got married, I found after 7 years, she was having affairs within 60 days of the ceremony. If I didn't know who it was, would she have told me about him like she did when we were single? Since I couldn't retaliate, would she have told me about him, and we work it into our relationship as we did when we were single?
That's what I often wonder about.
As it was, I found out she was having an affair, but she wouldn't acknowledge that, so we went to war over it.
As it was, we had some decades of war, very stressful. But she couldn't reveal, because I knew one of the people.
My point is, would it have been easier on me if she had told me, and I participated, fantasy, in her affairs, which she enjoyed talking about when we were dating, and I learned to enjoy hearing, because it was going to happen anyway.
The way it was, it was very stressful. Would it have been easier if she let me now and we fantasize about it?
We had a child, also, and I stayed for the child, for one thing. When he grew up, I stayed for the house we were buying and then almost paid for, for a 2nd thing. Third, I had emotional problems, could not hold a job, and financially, could not have made it on my own.
In a way, there is no answer. Once the child is born, there is no answer.
My mother was a lesbian, and my father knew my mother was seeing another woman, so he went through the same thing. I'm glad he stayed, we had a decent home life, he just got upset when she'd come back from a 2 or 3 day visit with her out of town lover. She would work it into a children/wife visiting "Mrs. Jones" friend of family type of thing.
We kids would catch a movie with her kids while they enjoyed their visit.
I don't know how my father dealt with it but he did. I don't know how I dealt with my wife cheating. I don't how you'll deal with your wife cheating. Look at it like she's playing golf. If she can bring you into the fantasy, maybe that would work. It worked when my wife and I were dating.
I "forced" my wife to see a marriage counselor with me./ After the first visit, when we got home, she let me know she was fantazing about screwing the marriage counselor. We did that 2 times a day, for a week.
Question is, if I knew she was having an affair, and she came home almost 2 hours late from work, and I would know where she had been, and she let me know that's where she had been, could we have worked it into a fantasy? It couldn't have been any worse than what it was, war.
I didn't want to have an affair. So retaliation was not for me. I enjoyed her enjoying having sex, when we were single. Could she get into any fantasies with you about the situation? Since you know who she is, she doesn't have anytning to guard, could she give some details? Would you enjoy that? In my fantasies, I would.
Look at it like she was playing golf, ask her how her round was. Ask her how she did on the first hole. It's not a man.
I think the big issue here is that your wife did not take you into account when she did this. She just assumed it was alright, but you are uncomfortable with this arrangement.
For the sake of perspective on this particular situation, I'll inject a temporary moment of opinion into this commentary - hope you don't mind. As a straight male, personally I think I would like the idea of my (hypothetical) wife being with another woman. But I see where it could get kind of odd if you didn't find the other woman to be very attractive, and it must be really kind of awkward because this other woman has a husband and now it's like there's the whole 'other partners' thing coming into play.
I'm a little confused about the specifics of this affair, however. I'm not asking for specifics, but based off of your description she and the friend exchange pictures and videos, and write naughty things to each other. And this has been going on for 2 years, and you only recently learned about it. So it sounds like there is no touching or sexual contact of any kind involved. I'm not saying that makes your discomfort with this situation invalid, but it's a bit less risque than it could be.
I could still see your concern. Your wife is taking and sending naked picture and video of herself. Her friend sees it, her husband may even see it. Depending on how she sends it, maybe lots of other people are seeing them, too. Have you gotten to see any of the things that have been exchanged, at least?
One thing I have to wonder about, is if there were ever any signs that your wife might be the type of woman who would do this sort of thing. I know women can be really unpredictable, trust me - my ex, I never really saw a lot of the stuff coming that she ended up saying and doing. It's like they can turn into totally different people! And not to put the blame all on you, but maybe you walked into this a little yourself if you noticed that you married a flirty, kinky woman who seemed interested in this sort of thing.
I think having an affair might be an overreaction - especially if she has never had sexual contact with this woman. It might not be out of the question to start exchanging nude pictures and flirting with some other woman. You could probably even do what your wife does with this woman - hey, your wife did it, so why can't you?
And your wife would have absolutely no room to get jealous, since after all, she started it. You could probably just start doing that with any woman you know, but be warned - women usually don't find the male body to be that exciting either.
I'm starting to pander here a bit, so let me just finish strong with a final thought:
What your wife did was unfair, you are right about that. Without your consent, she basically has taken your private life outside of the bedroom. It's up to you to decide whether you are comfortable with this arrangement and want to support (and maybe even join) her, or else to confront her and get her to stop. Only you can determine how much this situation is effecting your relationship with your wife. To her, maybe she doesn't even view this the way you do. I'd talk about it with her.