Girlfriend secretly messaging ex to meet
Long story short. Was married, wife cheated on me a few times and always with one of my friends. Got divorced and found a new girl I've been with for 18 months. Completely open relationship regarding email passwords, lock codes, social media passwords etc.
She went away for a few weeks to be with her basically adopted mother as she was dying from cancer. I had an odd feeling and logged into her FB and found she had been talking to an ex for a few months who lives where she was going out of town. Talking about how much they missed each other and how in love they were. Saying goodnight baby I love you and sending pics. Well the last 5 messages were her trying to get him to meet. And he never responds. I call her on it and flip out because that's emotional cheating with intent in my eyes. We just got a house and I've become her 3 yr olds only dad now. I have a very tough choice to walk away or give it a chance.
We have a really great relationship other than this. We've never fought and I need advice on what to do. I see a pattern I'm used to with my ex and she swears it will never happen again. Bawling her eyes out begging me to forgive her.
Her actions say she isn't with you 100%. She's basically admitted she's cheated and wants your forgiveness. Your challenge is whether you need her and not so much wanting her. Her 3 year old is her responsibility and the house is just a house...rented, leased, mortgaged or owned..because it'll never be a 'home' unless you are prepared to stay and give her a chance to earn your trust again. Your relationship, regardless of being great up until now, is nothing without trust.
It's all OK for her to swear it'll never happen again and it's your choice to stay or walk, but make sure you follow your gut.
I agree that a relationship is nothing without trust. We've spoken over the phone because she's still out of town. We've both agreed to shut down social media and pretty much be phone free when we're together. It's far from fixed and has a lot to be worked on. With an extremely high chance of happening again down the road. But I think it deserves one "get out of jail free" chance. I warned her if it was to ever happen again it's over and done,
Yes I'm a Douche for falling for that promise and giving it another chance. We have a really good relationship other than this setback. And I'll be on high alert for the next 6 months or so and always have that seed of doubt in the back of my head.
I know exactly what you're going through , I had the exact same situation happen to me . You're not a douche for giving her another chance , I did the exact same thing . It's going to be hard , trust is a very easy to lose and hard to get back . Give it a chance , just let her know she will be under a little more scrutiny for a little while . Hope everything works out .
Thanks BASSMAN123. My only thing now is i scrutinize everything she tells me. I find myself at work just randomly think she's probably still talking to that guy, or what if there are more. Im kinda going crazy and over thinking every little thing she says. So my attempt to fix it was to distance myself completely. No drama, no over thinking, no real affection. Just reserved and light hearted. i know this isn't the right decision. She wants to see a couples therapist but i don't know if even that can restore the trust.
if this was me, this is what i would want to do.... buy her another ticket to wherever this happened, maybe even with a new outfit, a sincere sexy smile i'm sure you have one, and tell her in a polite way,"karma's a bitch, and she may be getting a visit, and it won't be pretty, a part of your brain that she isn't cotrolling is telling you to go and not even be near this ugly mess, therefore you can request she bend over and you can twist your gorgeous head out of her fatt ass. one day you both willrealize that this response was very polite and she lost a good guy and a gentleman
If the relationship had been going swimmingly, including featuring total transparency (tick!), except once her adoptive mum began deteriorating then you have to consider whether this horrid circumstance is an extenuating one worthy of the benefit of the doubt.
This ex belongs in the past...a time when her mum was (properly) alive and well, yes?
What if... what she actually wants is to recapture some sort of relationship with someone who knew her mother or witnessed their relationship together and whom accordingly can join in meaningfully with trips down Memory Lane (as opposed to you who, presumably, can't)? What if she were that desperate to do so that she were in the process prepared to do whatever it took, including, carrot-ing him with the false but convincing impression she's still interested in a romantic sense (out of believing that otherwise he wouldn't likely give her the time of day)? Of course, this would then make her a user (of him), but... desperate times call for desperate measures, right?
If no such very extreme, outside duress existed, THEN I'd be more inclined to say, Dump the dud. But it does exist so...
Food for thought?
PS: The fact she is the one wants to see a couples therapist is, IMO, a sign of deeper-down innocence. Because, I'll tell ya summat for now't - the guilty usually *do not*.
If she was trying to meet him to talk about her mother that would have been the first thing out of her mouth . She's begging for forgiveness and wanting counciling because she is losing something that was good for nothing . She may not ever do it again . She might actually love you as much as she claims .
The thing is , can you ever let go of it ? I mean forget it happened ? In order for it to work you will have to eventually trust her again and treat her normal . Ppl mess up and she may have just made a mistake but I would never be able to just let it go and it will never make it like that .
"If she was trying to meet him to talk about her mother that would have been the first thing out of her mouth ."
Not necessarily. Not everyone can grasp and articulate their more complicated emotions and urges, or not as rapidly as others, especially when under the influence of considerable mental stress and quite likely issues and conflicts (rejection versus conscious choosing) hailing from as far back as early toddlerdom. And you can't get more stressful than, parent dying. Ever heard of the expression, 'Right hand doesn't know what the left is doing' or 'Doesn't know her emotional a*se from her emotional elbow'?
Again - food for thought.