I'm the nagging wife...need a man's perspective
Lately our arguments with my partner are becoming violent. Raised voices, door slamming, wall punching, etc. We get along well most of the times, but when we argue, its pretty harsh. I do nag...yes I nag a lot. I have been told i am a party popper. The arguments are usually triggered by me. Usually me picking on him drinking, smoking and hanging with his friends. I guess it must sound typical. Not enough time with me nagging.
However lately, i feel like when we argue, his responses are all hate. Hate for me. Last night, i dropped him back off at work because he has a lot of work to do. Whilst we were there his friends from overseas turn up and next thing you know work is cancelled for his friends. I felt slighted. I wasn't asked to join and that work was chosen over me but not work over his friends. I did the whole txty thing and he got put off. When he got home, he was drunk, demanding and rude. At some point right after I said no there's no food...his foot was in my face. I wear glasses and they smashed it against my face. I wasn't hurt but i could feel my heart break into so many pieces.
He basically said it was and accident and that he was just stretching out when his foot hit me. but he didnt even apologize and he didnt even check if i was fine. He just continued to lie there in bed. This morning his attitude was angry. It was like i wronged him somehow. Did I? He walkedoff to work without saying anything to me. I went over to his office coz I felt so emotional, and i was told to go away by him.
I feel hurt, confused and sad. My mind still goes back to the foot in my face and I feel humiliated and degraded. It wasnt forceful but i feel so hurt by it. Was it really an accident and am I just being dramatic? should I go and not wait around to find out?
I do care a lot for him... I don't if I can say love right now. I do talk to him a lot. But maybe it's not getting through to him. My partner is the type, when angry won't pick up the phone, silent treatment for days. I'm the one that even though if I'm right, I always do the running after and apologizing. I just want to be happy and I am extremely happy when we are good. But now I'm not so sure.
We are not married but live in together. We have a 1 year old son. We both work. I work full time and come home and care for my son. I am the main provider. I dont mind him drinking because so do i. but i hate when he goes out but i stay home with my son. I get that that is the role women are usually stuck with but i hate it because I would love to be taken care of. I envy the girls who talk about their husbands buying them this or seeing the simple go to the store and the man pulls out his wallet. Am I wrong to feel like that?
well - drinking doesn't help I believe : it's not that I have anything against drinking but it is known to uninhibit people - with alcohol the subconscious (conditioned responses) and unconscious (things unknown, forgotten or swept under the rug) tend to come out as well as a heightened (sometimes extreme) emotional response - and alcohol taken regularly induces a form of depression related to addiction and the constant living "in lack" (of serotonin & dopamine) which makes people want to drink again to fill the void (and get the high) - but this is a vicious circle that can not get any better - with the lows becoming lower a little more each time and the person as a whole becoming progressively less and less proud of him/herself because having become dependent and knowing it
you might want to ask yourself why it is you nag ? do you want/need someone to pay you more attention ? what is it you're looking for ? can you make a list for yourself of all those things you want or need and do not get or have - and see what you can do to satisfy some of those needs without expecting someone else to fill in ?
negative breeds negative : you will not get any positive by being negative - it's a vicious circle where the frustrations become resentments - then anger - then violence (verbal, emotional, physical)
aggressivity & violence are not something to wish for in a relation : when people get to that point - respect (of self and another) is lost - and then the shame & guilt can lead to more violence (here again a vicious negative circle that'll increase in intensity & drama)
you say you talk a lot but does he talk ? communication needs to go both ways - by not or not enough communicating your partner exercises (power) control which of course pushes you to do double work to try and even things out - this can become a destructive habit and practice in power abuse on his part with you falling into codependency
you say you want your partner to take more CARE of you : you don't feel cared for - does he show his feelings & emotions for you or does he have a problem expressing himself on this level - and if so - why would this be ? - silent treatment- not apologizing + difficulties in expressing feelings translates as someone having difficulties facing and dealing with what's going on inside him - he's got to deal with that
you say you are the main provider but you dream of a man who will pull his wallet and buy you things : do you relate money to power ? does the fact that your partner earns less money then you - make you see him as being "less" - and would it be one of the reasons you nag ? - you have to consider the prejudices you may have on men in regard to your reality - this actual life you are living - if you want change - you have to talk about it - talking & discussing - not nagging - and you have to own your part in it : what can you do to change things for you that will make YOUR life better ?
and - sorry : I'm a woman (you wanted a men's perspective)
His drinking is no excuse for his behavior. If you have to pick on him because of his habits which isolate you, as does his silent treatment of you after you both argue, then it's telling you that your relationship is coming apart. Look at his drinking habits but also look at yours and ask yourself if your behavior changes after drinking as well.
You need to accept him as he is and if you're not happy with what you see, then you need to adjust or you will eventually move on but not without experiencing more of the same treatment that you post about. Your one year old son should be your priority at this time because he needs you guys to be happy and secure.
It's not so much about you being a nagging partner, it's about you being with a loving, respectful man who appreciates you and shows his love for you daily but it's also a love which needs to be reciprocated to make the relationship successful.
I'd say a foot IN THE FACE is so WAY over the top!
Consider a separation. For you, to get some counseling and to find out why you nag and are considered a party pooper (All that could be coming from him, you know)
For him, to learn to stop his escalating abuse and figure out where you two stand.
His lack of apology and attempt to make things right should be telling you something!
he doesn't respect you anymore.
Thank you everyone.