How do I start? Normally I wouldn't do this. I never go to the internet for help. Well, it looks like it's my only choice right now. I'm sitting alone in my apartment, and my thoughts are driving me crazy. So here it goes.
I live in Australia, I turn 25 in April. Two years ago, I met a man who at the time, didn't know how much he was going to affect my life. It's a real long story and I'll try my best explain it briefly.
I was in my second month of internship of being a surgeon. I specialise in cardiology and neurology. It was the day of my birthday. I had run into this man and his daughter at the elevators. He had flowers in his hand and seemed very upset and broken. He had a forced smile on his face looking towards the ground. His daughter looked at me and had this look of shock on her face. She seemed very young and she was very beautiful. She was looking at me struggling to speak until the word "mum" had come out of her mouth. Her father had looked up as if the word "mum" had triggered a part of his senses. He stared at me, silently and staring straight into my eyes. He looked Spanish, tall, had Cristiano Ronaldo hair, looked to be in his late 20's. After the long stare, he smiled at me.
That was how I met the man that proposed to me last week. After we met, he invited me for a coffee. I said yes, and that's how our relationship started. When we were getting to know each other, he told me he was a single parent and that his wife was no longer in the picture. I didn't ask further about it. He revealed he was 38 years old, and looking to be in a serious relationship. I was so shocked when he told me he was 38, he looked 28 for sure. After thinking about what I wanted, I gave in to him and decided I wanted to be with him seriously. His daughter kept telling me how much she loved having me around and I often loved looking after her when James was at work. James is very wealthy and owns a few companies. But I never knew that when we met. I loved being around him and Lily.
Fast forward to now, where James proposed to me last week. I hadn't given him an answer yet. The reason was because I felt like he's holding something from me. Which brought me to the next question that I had always wanted to ask him but was afraid. "What were you doing at the hospital the day we met? Why were you there?" He was hesitant to answer at first, but reluctantly he did. His answer changed my whole world.
He was there because on that day, my birthday, two years ago before we met, his wife had passed away due to breast cancer. So on my birthday is the anniversary of his wife's death. He told me his wife had left him because she didn't want to be a family anymore. I was so confused why he hadn't told me this earlier and why he lied about his wife leaving when really she passed away due to an illness?!?!? I feel so guilty and bad thinking bad things of his wife. He told so many disgusting lies about her and I thought of her as a bad person for abandoning her family like that. I was so wrong and I feel so ashamed. I don't know what to do anymore. When I asked him why he lied he said it's because I look so much like her, act like her and he sees her in me. But he loves me more than he loves his wife, which makes him feel guilty and makes him question his existence. I was so shocked that I left and haven't spoke to him for days. He said that if I leave him, he won't know if he'd bother to keep living. I dont know what to do. This whole relationship is based off of lies.
Ask yourself why you need a man who has lied to you for two years when it would have been just as easy to tell you the truth and after two years it would have been an expectation for a 38 year old father to be honest especially with the woman who reminds him so much of his late wife and who he has proposed to.
If he feels guilty because he loves you more than he loved her, then he needs professional counseling. His threat of not bothering to keep living if you leave him is also his issue to sort. You need to realise that this guy may well be an OK man in normal circumstances, but at present, he's in no shape for a serious relationship or marriage. He also needs to sort his issues for the sake of his daughter who needs her father to healthy and happy.
Your instinct kicked in when you hesitated to accept his proposal and it also made you afraid to ask him about the time you first met him. You need to keep listening to it because it will continue to guide you through this.
I suspect the story is more complicated than what is being told.
Was the condition of the marriage BEFORE she died bad?
Then she got sick and died two years ago?
Two years is not a long time to sort all this out. He may be suffering from grief and guilt. Plus, he has this daughter, too, who is still grieving.
How about going to a couples counseling and get things out in the open? You need to know him better before even considering marriage so soon after the death of a spouse and parent.
This is a difficult one.
Hmmmm in one way I kind of think he was not sure how to tell you under what circumstances he met you and so a lie on top of a lie was how he got by.
He probably felt guilty about finding someone else so soon after her passing.
It does sound like he really has feelings for you though.
Is this a one off circumstance of catching him in a lie or have you caught him in others?
Sometimes we make mistakes as human beings, but if there are also other issues and instances that have you worried I would think twice.
Trust your instincts.